Issues of the past

I really want to start dating again but all my bad experience in life is stopping me.
I have developed anxiety problems and think about all the bad things that might happen to me if i go on a date. I think about conflicts that might happen or rejections.
I have a lot of fear towards binding myself to other people because i have been deeply disappointed by so many people who have said that they were there for me, when they weren`t at all.
I have had best friends turning their backs on me. I feel as if i have a lot of emotional luggage regarding my problems and i fear that all this could ruin a good relationship.
Because my closest family has turned me down, i turn others away from me.
I don`t feel as if many things has been granted to me in my life, there fore i need to figure out just what i am worthy off. The more i fight that battle into revelation, the more difficult my life gets, so i am at a point in life where i feel as if i am just hitting my head against a wall.
Every effort i have made to make it better or to solve a problem, only makes my problems more complicated, so i have lost all confidence.
I feel as if the world has set up a wall against me.
I have had many arguments with my family.
There is no hope for reconciliation because our problems are too big and go back a very long time.
To make a long story short: My mother has 3 children from an old marriage and 3 in her new. She has been drifting away from her first born ever since she divorced our father.
She is very cold towards her first born.
I am an adult now and i can see that i don`t need her for anything in my life any more.
The only problem is that its stigma to have problems in a family.

Because i never had a father, i have lacked in general protection during my life.
I have struggled a long time with a stepfather.
We have very difficult relationships in our family.
This has destroyed my self confidence.
Whenever i go on a date i always feel as if something bad is going to happen.
I am afraid that he will not like me or that something makes him go away.
I have a memory from when i was only 4 or 5 years old of my father coming to my nursery in day time.
I hadn`t seen him since the divorce a year and a half ago, and i didn`t recognize him.
He had been battling with my mother and couldn`t battle anymore. Meanwhile my stepfather was acting as if he was my father.
He picked me up in his arms, took me for a short drive and then left in his car again with his new wife.
I know he was now, but at the time i was confused.

He just came to say goodbye.
Since i am older now i can see that this maybe has given me some problems with relationships.
I can live with it, but at the same time i feel as if the hurt still lingers on the inside.
The disappointment will always be there.
The anger will always be there.

Hi, Hallusinating. Maybe writing your dad a letter about your feelings and everything you have lost because of this would help. What do you think? You wouldn't even have to show the letter to any one. When did you feel unprotected? I think I've felt the same way you do and still do sometimes.

jasmin wrote:Hi, Hallusinating. Maybe writing your dad a letter about your feelings and everything you have lost because of this would help. What do you think? You wouldn't even have to show the letter to any one. When did you feel unprotected? I think I've felt the same way you do and still do sometimes.

Hi Jasmin.
I have a lot of mixed up feelings about my father, and i don`t think writing him any letters is going to help so much.
There is just so much hatred between him and my mother, so i feel as if i only get caught between them two again, which is a place i would rather not be in.
He looks at me and sees my mother because i have lived with her for so many years, and gotten her side of the story, so he might think that i take her side, or that she uses me for protection against him?
He wasn`t always good to my mother, there is a reason why they divorced.
She wasn`t always good to him either. Exactly what happened i don`t really know and will probably know either, they have both gone their separate ways and found new partners, so i don`t think they want to bring back the memories.
I hate always to have to judge who did what and try to figure out what really happened etc...
i wish they could shut up, i am fed up of being a part of their conflicts, it has become a liability for the whole family.
They are both very aggressive people. My mother remarried a man who was a big provocation towards the entire family, he had his way of dealing with things that the rest of the family wasn`t too thrilled about.

The conclusion i so far has found is that human beings are not perfect.
I used to think that parents did everything right and that they were without flaws, mistakes or faulty. Now i know that they do their own mistakes like everybody else, unfortunately. This can have larger or smaller effects.
The world is not a perfect place.
I talked to a man who works as a family therapist once, and he said he always reminded the parents that the kids never asked to be here. I replied to him that its true but also that he should keep in mind that parents don`t always want their children either.
That is the case for both my mother and father, since the divorce was full of insults and pain, they both regretted the marriage so much that they even wished their children away in a mental way.
Of course they would never admit this if you ever consulted them with it, but i think the fact that their 3 children have all been to psychologists and had problems with their mental stability and health, proves that they have been giving something bad to their children, something destructive because we all have low self confidence.
So again, writing a letter is not a good enough option for me, i have tried to gain contact with him on several attempts but i don`t think that he really wants it. I think he has settled down with the life that he has, with his new wife and child.
Its a kind of disturbed situation to be in, strictly speaking, but as you also point out, not everybody has the privilege of a good or optimal family situation.
In my case it ended with not seeing each other any more, as seeing each other or living by that dream that we were going to get the relationship we have always been dreaming about, just isn`t a good situation to be in.
I know that there are a lot of people out there who want to help me get back together with my family, i appreciate your concern and think its nice of you all to try to help me. I am sorry to say that all bridges has burned down for a very long time ago.
At a certain point all the frustrations becomes too heavy. We are a big family with many people involved and that makes it much more complicated.
Its a big strain to be involved with every family members feelings, frustrations and opinions. So that`s why i have isolated myself away from my family. We are at war with each other, and people don`t really want to see each other any more.
The parents lose their relationship when they fight in a cold war of rejections and ignorance, so they also lose love for the children they once shared their love threw. We don`t become as important as we used to be, and when they get new children with new spouses, they don`t see the need for parenting us as much for their own ego`s reasons.
My mother got 3 new children with her new spouse(father one).
Long answer, thx for reading.

A letter could just be a piece of paper where you pretend to talk to him directly even if you never want him to see it or if you know that he can't be part of your life. It's ok, deal with this stuff in a way that makes you feel comfortable.
When I came here I was told that I got no emotional validation when I should have. It means that people have never behaved like your feelings matter. I think it kind of stumps a person's growth and it makes them feel like they're still a kid, in some ways. I find it hard to have relationships too and to relate to people in a healthy, grown up way. Do you feel that way?
I'm sorry your parents neglected you and your siblings, it's very unfair. You have your own life now, and you can take care of yourself, you're free to grow. Figuring out how is tricky.