I am Completely Lost in Life

Hi my name is Niko. I’m 20 years old.
To put it in the simplest of words, I’m completely lost in life right now. I have absolutely no idea why. To elaborate a bit, it seems like there is a ‘wall’ between myself and the outside world. I feel absolutely no connection to anybody, no matter how hard I try to. As a result, social situations become extremely awkward and frightening for me. Sure, I can handle being in public without anxiety or panic attacks, but that doesn’t mean I like it. Being in public is one of the most uncomfortable feelings for me now that I cannot connect with my fellow students and coworkers. I’ve always been a shy person, even when I was a little boy. I’ve always thought of my shyness as a sort of personal defense against rejection. However, this innocent shyness has evolved into a nightmarish monster that I cannot control. Even when I try to make a personal connection with people, I feel as if they think that I am uninteresting, unintelligent, etc. This has caused a great deal of stress for me, and has caused me to become lazy, and emotionless. I can never finish something I start. When I finally find my ‘purpose’ in life, I pursue it for a few months at a time, only to either find a ‘new’ purpose, or completely abandon the old one. This I have never understood, and it has gone on my entire life.
This ‘wall’ between myself and the outside world is slowly driving me insane. There are some days where I feel like I’m holding so much in that if I tried to hold anymore I’d explode. I have absolutely nobody in my life that I can connect with. I guess this is just extreme loneliness in a way.
While these feelings are EVER PRESENT in my mind, there are some days where I feel as if I could conquer the world….days in which I will be so bursting with confidence that I will accomplish many of the things I normally do in a day, but couldn’t before due to the overwhelming stress and disinterest in life. These feelings are usually very short lived.
I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. I have led a pretty normal life until now. I have always been a strong person. I finished Infantry Training for the United States Army earlier this summer (which believe me, not many people can finish). I’ve battled and overcome drug addiction. I’ve held the hands of those close to me while they were in their final moments. I have learned much, and I have seen much. Right now, being in the Army is the only thing keeping me alive and hopeful (literally.)

I don’t feel depressed, rather, I feel lost, hopeless, and honestly a bit afraid. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel like I could lose it at any minute.

Hey,

Whilst I acn relate to some of what you've said, i'm at a loss as to what could be wrong with you. I mean, I can't put a 'label' on what you've got. Nevertheless, I will try to explain some things that you've written here. For starters, maybe you start and stop thigns so much because you're just someone who needs to be doing something productive and meaninglful. When you realise that something you're doing doesn't meet your expectations, you leave it behind you and look for something else. The truth is that you don't have t stay in the same role/jb for your entire life - You can change many times if that's what makes you happiest. Sure, others are content to remain in the same position and to keep-up in a certain project/hobby, but that's them - You are 'you'. You even hinted that you are looking for a 'purpose' in your lfe - Others simply do'nt see things that way. They just live fom day-to-day.

You are in the army and you appear to enjoy it. Why not see how far a military career can actually take you? you have no obligation to remain in it for your entire life.


Kevin

HI Niko,

About 4yrs ago I felt similar to you. lost and feeling that I could see no 'reasonable' reason for it. You talk about a 'wall' between you and I explained it as evrything that happened in my day was like I was watching it on TV or something, liek I was the 3rd party, not actually involved as such, just there in body. It took me about 2yrs to actually tell the people I could trust where I was at. Ither than being told "you doing fine' etc etc that didnt help I was told "just be honest with yourself" Problem is when you feel like this you ABSOLUTELY no reference point anymore to even begin working out if you are being honest with yourself?!?! I too felt no connection with anybody and had very little emotion (except when contemplating suicide, or using drugs or alcohol) and when using I acually felt SOMETHING which was far less scary than just 'nothing' I hated not caring but I honestly felt like whether I was told a relative died or I had won a million bucks my reaction would be the same ....'shrug'. I felt like everyone else was a 'real' person and I was a shell of one and that everyone was being fooled to believe I was the same as them. It took a couple f years to get the right help and it seemed that as I diagnosed as Depressed (which slid to anxiety) Like you I didnt think I was depressed as I didnt even care enogh to be sad?! so it kind of tricked me. But it seemed that the neuro transmitters in the brain, once they drop have you feeling this way, you just dont realise at the time. I suffered really bad sie effects from anti depresants and so luckily went into an intensive workshop that helped be with how I was viewing life and gradually that fixed me. Not drugs but an education on life.
I could go on and on with examples of feeling exactly like you but just want to say that some of things I had to learn that were causing my issues was my framework of thinking and how I was looking at things. FOr example, ou talk about neer finishing anything and moving onto another thing a though it is a really bad way to be. I was taught that our TRUE purpose in life is GROWTH and DEVELOPMENT which actually is happening everyday automatically. Each time we take on a new challenge we are learning from it, regarless of whether we acheive the end result or not. I think the problem is we attach our self esteem to the outcome of these thigns so if we dont complete them we feel we failed, THIS IS NOT true! if you want to feel better about life you firstly have to undertand that The purpoes of goals is NOT to acheive them but to acknowledge and appreciate the fact that we had a go at something else. We all have something in our little acheivement bos in the back of head that we believe we have to acheive to say "Ive done alright in life" and if we start to believe we will never get to prove it and hence we are valuable then we start thinking "WHY BOTHER" and that is what sets up depression and these issues, trust me on this! I was exactly like you. I got some great help from an audio program that if you are interested I can prove details. IT is very cheap and HUGELY beneficial. Anyway, heaps people are experiencing what we are/have. Good luck getting to the bottom of it all, it a hell of a journey. I think I am better thanks to that program and wantot inspire others as I truely believed NO ONE could help me unless they were in MY shoes (which wasnt possible) so its not true. You can get sorted. Take care. Carina

Sorry, hope that all made sense, forgot to spell check and it was all over the place.

Me too. I also feel like everyone else has a purpose and they're moving on in life, going on to bigger and better things, yet I am stuck in a hole that gets deeper by the day.

I feel I have so much potential, yet I'll never be able to completely let loose and live out my passions. I want to be like other people who seem to have things easy, and can live out their lives with no anxiety. Yet there's always this negative feeling I get that tells me I'll never be like anyone else and I'm a nobody.

I can't give you any advice, but just know that there are people like you, who feel the same way everyday.

Hello There,

I am a 36 year old guy.
I am suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) disease.
I lose my hope in my life......
Can anyone tell me about Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) treatment?
What are the reasons of this Disease?
Do you have any idea about its cure?


Thanks.

Hi my name is Beke. I'm 22.
Its weird that I can completely relate to what you wrote on almost every part.
I even applied for the army and will probably be going this April.
I can't finish anything I start. Even my school. I'm a fifth year this year. I should've already finished it last year. At the start of every semester I have this surge of energy and I tell myself that i can do this, but it feels like this sudden surge of energy gets depleted in a week. Then I stop going to school. I just go to a gaming center or a small cafe 50 meters from my place during school hours and come back acting like I went to school. I don't even meet my friends. Its been going on like this for the last 3 years. I thought I could push through this but I really cant. So I took a year off from my university last month and applied for the army. I thought If I cant do anything on my own I could go to a place where someone else would force me. Did you enter the army with the same thought?
I'm almost emotionless nowadays and I don't know why. I'm trying to get out more often and be a bit more sociable but when I do interact with people it's like some programming takes over.People expect me to laugh I laugh, they expect me to get angry or sad, I act accordingly. But inside, it's never me. it's someone else. I don't even know whether there's a "me" inside anymore. Its just hollow. No one knows.
I live in Mongolia. I wanted to talk to a professional about my issues but no such luck. Mongolians don't even believe depression to be an illness. We probably only counts schizophrenia as a mental illness. So we turn to bottles for everything else. Probably the only reason I know the meaning of depression is that I learned English.
I tried to tell my friend about my problems and if he knows anyone that could help out he said that I was too "emo" and laughed. I laughed with him. So I stopped trying to tell anyone.
I just want it to stop, whatever this is and I'm trying.But I don't have have much strength left in me to keep trying for long.
Sorry I'm not much help. Just know that there's someone going through the same $#%^ you're going through