I hate who I am now

Every day I feel tense and anxious, any little thing pisses me off and I don't know why really. I mean I read about depression a bit. And I know how difficult it can be. but I don't want it to be me. I'm not the person I used to be anymore. I take everything out on my loved ones. I'm about to lose my boyfriend of 2 years. and I don't know what to do with myself everyday. I can do so many things with my time but I'd rather stay in bed and sleep or watch tv. my doctor says that I have IBS which could be a result from the depression/anxiety. I just really don't want to feel this way anymore. I always feel like there's something wrong with me. I hate myself so much right now. I'm not me.

Hey,

Coincidentally, I learned that I have a chronic IBS illness when I was in a terrible mental state too. The whole world must seem against you right now, but that is simply not the case. Your relationship hasn't ended yet either. It's still ticking-over each day. Perhaps, one thing you ought to realise is that you're going to have to place control of your life in someone else's hands for now. From what you've written, you don't seem to have the enthusiasm anymore to get back to where you'd like to be. I don't mean to seem harsh to you, mel, and am just trying to help as best as I can. I was in your situation, and had to relinquish control of 'me' to my parents and my doctor(s). I actually went into a psychiatric hospital for a week or so. Was such an option offered to you?; or even suggested?

Kevin

A few years ago my parents (my dad and stepmom) wanted to send me away for a little bit. I've known that my dad caused a lot of my stressing a long time ago.. I never wanted to be around him at all.
and yes I feel like there's something out to get me each day.. every time I turn around there's something to keep me from doing whatever I want to do with my life.. I've seen 3 therapists. 2 of them I've seen once. one I kept going until we couldn't afford it at the time.

I'm not ever going to kill myself or anything. I think I'm stronger than that. I'm trying to do more things for myself. I dyed my hair the other day and I put in a new application for another job. Then a friend/family died last tuesday and I went to her funeral yesterday. It's just another thing.. People tell me all the time to not sweat the small stuff.. but it's definitely easier said than done.

I hate plastering a fake smile on when I know that I'm not happy. I just can't pinpoint exactly what's making me unhappy. And I really don't want to take a break from my boyfriend. if it's his fault.. I don't think it is.. but I don't know. everytime I get to a certain point in a relationship I either run or find someone else.. do you think it could be because I can actually see me marrying him? and that I'm scared of marriage.. I mean my parents had a really bad seperation and I was more on my dad's side. I blamed my mom... my boyfriend has made mention of me being his fiance and marrying me and having a life together.. but I don't know. it could be work or school or even the fact that I'm worried about my health all the time.

There's just so many things running through my mind constantly. I have never been able to shut my mind up. it runs a million miles a minute. I used to count all the time.. but then I just thought that I was crazy for counting in my own head to keep me from thinking of things...

You know, alarms always go off in my head when I read about people who say they are going to marry and live with someone else... when they haven't even asked them. It just seems like your boyfriend has got too far ahead of things here. I mean, you have implied that he says you will be his fiancée some day, but he hasn't even proposed yet? What will happen when/if he actually proposes? - the excitement will surely be less than what it would have been. i don't know where your relationship is going, but i just am skeptical when people get too far ahead, and don't live in the present. When you look ahead that far, you fail to see what it is you truly like about your partner. You are thinking about things you dont have, when instead you should be thinking about those that you do actually have - i.e. you have him; he has you. Perhaps all of this has indeed contributed to your apparent indecisiveness about it (You said "everytime I get to a certain point in a relationship I either run or find someone else").

Congrats. on getting your hair dyed, by the way, as little changes like that are great for a person going through a difficult time. It symbolises leaving a part of you in the past, and moving forward to a 'new' you. So, more changes are needed

Kevin

I think you're right. I'm dwelling on things that I don't have when I should be thinking about the stuff I do have. I've always thought that I could be doing better with my life and that things aren't going my way. I have to live each day. I think I plan my things out too much and when things don't seem to go the way that I have planned I get upset or anxious. It's just really hard to keep a lot of things in mind. especially the positive things. I know I shouldn't think negatively, but it just overpowers me constantly. I've heard that when you think negatively it causes your reality to become negative too.

He's an amazing boyfriend. We definitely moved a little too fast. moved in together about 4 months after dating. well we had broken up from a miscommunication and had a break for about 2 months and saw each other again and just clicked just like the first time I saw him. He means well all the time, he just tries a little too hard or worries about a lot of things too. I think he has an anxiety issue too, that I noticed a little after meeting him. I'm always worried about doing something wrong around him or too him. and then feel guilty whenever I do do something wrong. That's just been lately. like about 4 months ago it started.. I used to never worry about other people. just me. But since I care about him too much I over think things that aren't even there??

I've been thinking about a lot of things like why am I stressing out? and I've came up with the possibilities: money, school, my dad, pleasing people (big one too), my health is a big one, and my boyfriend.. and I'm only 19..

I honestly think it stems back from early childhood. my dad was a very stressful person. he seemed to stress the whole family out. and I was always walking on eggshells with him. Everyone always thought he was a bad person and I didn't really learn that he was until I ended up moving in with him when I was 15. then everything sort of went down hill I think. I stopped hanging out with my friends a lot. I wasn't allowed to or no one wanted to deal with my dad. Now he seems like a whole new person after I moved out and he seems like he's really changing.. but I just can't seem to forgive or forget. I'm so conflicted between my feelings for him.. He's said a lot of really mean things to me.. and I find myself thinking about all of that and how he is now. waiting for him to be that same person.. and i see my dad in my boyfriend.. and they have a lot of similarities... music. attitude. even facial features.. also my dad used to be a drunk...

I really hate blaming others.. and even my dad.. but when I was younger AND naive. I thought my dad was the world. I WAS a daddy's girl..

I just feel soo under pressure..

luvablemel wrote:I've heard that when you think negatively it causes your reality to become negative too

I think so too... ..but what's the reverse of this? Exactly - it's 'think positive and your relaity will become positive'. A smile here or there can't be too bad; and giving people around you compliments is nice too. I try to do these things each day.

It's becoming apparent that you are perhaps the female version of me, because i'm a mammy's boy, and my mother was/is a terribly stressful person to be around. When I'm with her at home, I feel tense because I'm just waiting for her to bg me about something. So, I'm guessing that you are the same with your father and boyfriend?

luvablemel wrote:I've been thinking about a lot of things like why am I stressing out? and I've came up with the possibilities: money, school, my dad, pleasing people (big one too), my health is a big one, and my boyfriend.. and I'm only 19..

It's great that you recognise each of these potentials. The 'pleasing people' thing isa big one, I feel, as I do exactly the same. However, we simply cannot afford to please everyone in life and expect our own lives to be good at the same time. Why? - because we simply don't have time to help everyone - to please everyone - around us. It'd take too much time, and then we'd neglect our own lives. I've done that, and am only now learning to give myself 'me' time, as should you, perhaps.

Who knows... ...you and he could have a tremendous relationship, but remember that relationships cannot survive if one person has too intense emotions while the other does not. Both parties need to focus on and develop their individual lives too, and then perhaps look forward to going home to their partner at the end of the day.

Kevin

you're right. I always try to please everyone. There is not enough time in the world to be able to do that. and I don't smile that much anymore. I always laughed all the time. I love to laugh.
I need to keep in mind that I am still that person that I was and that I'm a strong person still. I don't know why I seemed to forget who I really was/am. And I don't know why I seem to forget these things. and I don't listen to people when they say "don't sweat the small stuff" everything's definitely a lot harder than it really seems. Everything seems more difficult now.
What did you do to get things back to "normal"? How can I get my mind to stay calm and shut up?
and when you asked if I feel tense with my dad/boyfriend? I only feel tense when I'm around my dad. always.. But with my boyfriend.. I feel comfortable and secure.. He just reminds me so much of my dad.. and he's not my dad. he's a completely different person from him. it's just a little freaky at times..

Hey,

I managed to become 'normal' by making some right decisions over a long period of time. For example, I started to remember to stand-up for myself and not let others gain advantage over me (or 'use' me). In some cases, it is important to remember that being cruel is ultimately being kind at the same time. I'm definately going to remember that one when I ever get kids! Other things include staying clear of people who drain you - you know - those who only make you feel like $#%^ and who bug you each and every day. I just began cutting people out of my life that I truly did not need. You knw, my MSN messenger list used to be 90+ people - it's now around 20. I only have 60 people on my FAcebook list, while others have more than 1000. I always try to cut things out of my life that I don't need, as they only weigh me down.

My question about how you feel around your boyfriend was made after I had read that you 'see' your dad in him. So, I just assumed you mwant that you also feel stressed/tense around him.

Kevin

yeah sometimes I do get tense with him and get stressed out.. it's not all the time. it's just the times that he turns into my dad. we had a very bad past and I think because of him I try to be a people pleaser.. and you're right.. there's not enough time in the world to please everyone. and the most important person I really need to please is myself. I need to stop worrying about what other people think and work more on myself. And over the past few years my friend list went from quite a few to just one. I don't have as many close friends as I ever had in my life.. I've always been the social one in my family and now I've turned into the antisocial. A lot of people are assholes.. so I try to avoid as many of them as possible.. I'm definitely not the kind of person that's going to let people walk all over me.. especially if they're disrespectful. I'm also the one that sticks up for the smaller guy. I used to be the one being picked on all the time, and now that I'm not I see it all around me. And it just ticks me off. I don't understand why chivalry and generosity just flew out of the window... It's almost like no one believes in it anymore.

Lately I've been thinking about taking a break from my boyfriend.. but I'm not sure if that would be a good idea.. he's been there for me since I ran away from my dad's. He takes care of me when I'm down.. which has been lately. I'm just so conflicted.. I feel like I might lose him if I even mention anything to him. and honestly it's probably what I need.. but it's definitely not what I want.

I don't know what's best for myself.. when I think I know what's best for everyone else.. I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do.. which is funny because when I was with my parents I did the opposite. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. and if they tried to stop me from doing it, I would find another way around it and do it anyways. maybe it's me realizing that I really can't get everything that I want? not saying that I've ever been spoiled.. my parents helped out my brother and my sister way more than they have me. everything I own I got myself. I've always been an independent person almost my whole life.. I loved doing everything for myself by myself. my mom says that I am a very motivated person.. or at least was.. because I can't seem to motivate myself into doing anything anymore. I'm just not the same me..

Hey again,

You mentioned how you've gone from being the social one to the antisocial [one]. Is it much a problem that this has actually happened? I mean, what are you worrying about - Is it the fact that you think being social is just 'better'? There's a lot to be said for being antisocial, but not to an extreme of course. I mean, if you have too many friends, it can be stressful dealing with them all, and conflicts could arise more easily. That's certainly what I found. I 'escaped' from all of my friends years ago, and then pick-and-chose the new ones that I wanted to be beside.

So, as much as this situation is worrying and painful for you, it is possible for advantages to come out of it. When you 'lose' things, you can then pick-and-choose the new things that you want in your 'new' future life. This includes your boyfriend, of course... ...maybe the break idea would be good. OR, maybe just try to tone down the intensity a bit, without even telling him what you're doing. Focus more on your own life, if you can, even though I know you mentioned you're struggling to do this at the moment.

Kevin