My life is headed off a cliff.

I have come to the conclusion that my severe anxiety is currently winning the battle against me. I have always had mild anxiety/depression throughout my childhood (I am now 23) as a result of my unstable household where my mother was always high on drugs after my father was murdered. We went from upper-middle class to very low income, almost destitute. Most likely because my mother, although she held a job, spent a lot of her money (and my grandmother's money) on pills to get high. This led to my low self-esteem, because I felt I could not match up to "normal" families and people. Before his death, my father was successful, and I NEEDED to be just like him. Money became my obsession. It was going to solve all my problems.

I am a senior in college, about to graduate in a few months. I was also a small-time real estate investor in Miami, owning 2 small condos. To everyone, my life was on the rise, and my family members seemed to think I had overcome my difficult past. I even became a licensed stock broker at 21 and landed a job that was ahead of my time at an Investment firm. After the real estate crash, I lost my $40k a year job, and I also lost both condos to Chapter 7 bankruptcy. My ambition ran me into the ground. I also lost my identity.

Things got worse and worse from there. I got messier and stopped paying attention to my appearance. I would not bother to iron my shirts for work, or clean up anything at home. I would wait over a month to get a haircut. I have a 2004 car that most people would consider extremely nice for a college student. The car looks like crap. It hasn't been washed in over a year, and has dents on the side, including a broken mirror. I don't fix it because I'm literally scared to spend money. I obsess about my bank account balance (currently $2,765.57), and think about how much it has dropped (used to be over $25,000). I obsess about my huge to-do list, which gets bigger and bigger every week because I have become a procrastinator. NOTHING is fun anymore. I mean NOTHING.

Up until recently, I lived in a 53rd floor apartment in downtown Miami. I lived there for a year and 4 months. Completely alone. During my time there, I became a recluse. I only spent money on marijuana and food. I was unemployed and I would spend all day pacing back and forth from one end of the apartment to the other. When I wasn't pacing, I was on my balcony smoking marijuana. During that year and 4 months, I only had friends over a handful of times, despite living in the center of the party scene in Miami. My apartment became a mess towards the end of my stay there. It kills me to think that I didn't make an effort to date any girls while I was there. I literally had 0 girls while I lived there, which led me to obsess about how the "best years of my life" were being squandered and wasted. I thought about this a lot. I went to a few bars, but I would always leave early because I felt I didn't match up to anyone there, and would start to feel panic. This makes me feel worse, because I have been told I'm not a bad looking guy (slim, Hispanic, dark features).

Now, I'm living in a spare bedroom with my cousin and her husband. My self-esteem is about as low as it can get. I feel like my college degree will be worthless when I graduate, because I've had no luck finding a new Investment job. I went to see a therapist for 3 sessions about a year ago, and it was no help at all. She would just listen to what I just typed above and give me "breathing exercises."

I think I have depression, Anxiety (GAD + Social Anxiety), and a bit of OCD. I refuse to see a doctor, because I'm probably going to stay in school for a Master's degree and I don't want a mental health record to ruin my chances of working for a government agency in the future.

I need to get through this. How? It's been 3 years now.

How are you going to get through this...? I'm not sure, is the answer. If you're not willing to see a doctor, then it will be tough - that's for sure. However, there woulnd't even be an easy way through it if you did actually go to the doctor. One good thing is that you still have ambitions and plans for the future. there are countless others who are depressed who have nothing to aim toward. I have been depressed for years, but I have repeatedly set myself new targets in life. The next two years of my life are currently mapped out, and I am already weighing up my options after that. I don't let the depression 'eat me up inside', and I just get on with things by putting my head down and generating a fighting spirit.

If it helps, separate - as best you can - your depressed self from your work/academic sense. I mean, 'pretend' to be a happy you when you are at work. You can always be as miserable as you want to be when you get home each day. I believe it is important in society not to appear depressed all of the time though, as people generally ignore such people. You come across as intelligent and streetwise, so I'm sure you know this already.

Other than what i've already said: Stay off the drugs; Save some money each week/month (but remember to treat yourrself to something every now and then too); Buy new clothes and get your hair-cut regularly again, and then start dating girls; etc.

Kevin

Hi

It sounds to me as tho you hold much of your self worth in the money, which is actually far more common than most even realize. There's a great self-help book I found by accident a while back called The Emotional Intelligence of Money by Brenda Smith - you can easily google for this or on amazon. It really helps to gain better understang of not just how we spend it, but even about our *attitudes* we have toward money itself--I absolutely loved this book!

But... doing your drugs will DEFINITELY not help you - pls pls stop or see at least a drug counselor if you need help to get yourself off it! I do wish you all the best and to realize that EVERYONE is worthy and valuable even to themselves

I am all too familiar with the thought of "I am wasting the best years of my life."

At 27, I've never had any money, and certainly have never had any girls over.

I try not to dwell on that thought. Improvements in my diet, increasing exercise, talking to people online, and working more seriously on my writing have helped.