Intensely frustrating problem

2 years ago a friend of a friend informed me that I was speaking incorrectly. He said that because I pronounce the TH in some words as an F it makes me sound stupid and childish. For example when I say "think" i pronounce it as "fink". I had been doing this for 20 years of my life. None of my friends had noticed it and nobody had ever said anything to me about it. It's a very subtle thing and most of the time you can only notice it if you're looking out for it.

It hit me hard though. I prided myself in my ability to speak articulately. It was a part of who I was / my identity to "sound" intelligent. Since then whenever I get to the word I feel a rush of anxiety. I find it hard to speak. I am always thinking about "sounding" stupid. I have tried to change the way I speak but my automatic way of saying words has stayed the same.

Because of this frustration, my inability to accept myself, I have become emotionally disconnected. I essentially hate who I am. I have tried so hard to just not care you know. It's always there though. I feel like I've become obsessed with it. I'll feel the feeling when I read a word like "think", even if I see someone on TV saying it. I'll focus in on it and not pay any attention to what's being said.

I HAVE BECOME OBSESSED WITH THE SUPERFICIALITIES OF LANGUAGE AND IN DOING SO HAVE BECOME COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED FROM THE MEANING AND THE FEELING.

For the past year I have felt completely dead inside. I don't enjoy thinking anymore because of this. My brain feels like it's breaking down. I've become so stressed that I've been unable to do university work. My ability to read and remember has gone.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. NO MATTER WHAT I TRY I ALWAYS GET THE SAME EMOTIONAL REACTION. PAIN, FRUSTRATION, LOW SELF-WORTH, FEELINGS OF INFERIORITY, SELF-HATE, ETC AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON.

Unwillingtogiveup, I think you should see a decent professional about your problem. It could have to do with OCD and that sometimes goes together with some depression. It's not right for these thoughts to be running your life and you deserve to have it back.