Anxiety, severe paranoias. I feel like I"m losing my grip.

I"ve always been too serious. Since i was a kid i thought too much, worried too much and still do. When I was 12 my mother introduced in me a paranoia of body odor. She has had it since she was 19, so eventually this was going to happen. After believing her words and reasoning as to why people didn't like me (due to a smell I can't control or even notice) this paranoia has become a major factor in everything I do and always causes anxiety whenever I"m out of the house.

Now, on top of this about a year ago, when 19, I did a hallucinatory drug that triggered yet another paranoia. It was my mistake. I had friends who had mental issues as well who said it helped them and I was willing to try anything if it would help me relax. Just give me a break from the constant worry and anxiety I feel when out. Well someone spilled a drink on the bed we were all sitting on which, while tripping of course, cause me to become fanatically worried that I had wet myself. After the 4 hours of bad tripping was over I realized the spilled drink was the issue. But since then I always wear a panty liner and am concerned that I may have an "accident" of some sort (never have but doesn't seem to matter). This of course gets worse with anxiety, which get worse in public so its very tormenting.

I have these two paranoias that stress me out and build onto my already problematic anxiety issues. I've always been anxious around people and with these things its even worse. I've had times were I freak out rather badly because they get to me so much. I try to be honest with people I meet and let them know about these paranoias since its always obvious to the person that I'm a bag of unstable nerves. Some know, some don't. I just don't know how to cope better with this. I continuously have bad experiences with people because they cannot handle how messed up I am. Which makes sense but adds to my depression. I"m on xanax for anxiety which is helpful in some cases. I'm not nearly this bad anxiety wise nor do I give my paranoias as much power when around people I already know and am close with. I was prescribed other medications for depression, psycotic tendencies to help with paranoia as well as a few others but couldn't take them because they fogged me out too much. I'm a bit that way still with just the xanax.

I also realize a psychologist might be helpful but when 16 I started seeing one names Ms. Moore for about 8 months. Due to her I am fearful to get in a similar environment. She was a lesbian and after the first 3 or so months when she had gotten private information during our sessions she would use that information as a form of blackmail, I guess, to get me to answer sexual questions and to respond positively to her interest. It has damaged my ability to trust greatly.

I'm new to this forum so forgive me if this is misplaced and for making such a long post. But I really need to talk with people that may understand and hopefully won't judge me too harshly, get possible advice. Thank you so much for reading.

Hi, ivystephwhite! I've had to deal with anxiety too, and it could/can get bad sometimes. It helps to have someone to talk to, so good idea joining this place
How about telling your doctor that some of the meds aren't working for you and asking for something more helpful? I had a pretty bad experience with a therapist too once, and you don't have to see one if you don't want to, but maybe your doctor can recommend someone better.
Getting out of the house every day, at least for a little while, might be good for you.