Anxiety & Obsession over tense body & other physical things

I'm not sure what the right forum to post this in is so I'll just post it here for now. Please move it if it needs to be.

I'll start by just basically giving a description of my history and what I've gone through in the last 6 months. I also want to preface this by saying that, before these last 6 months, I have never had any issues with anxiety, panic attacks, or OCD whatsoever; I mean NONE. Also, this whole situation is very complicated so I'll try to explain to the best of my ability.

Around september of last year I had to go to the ER due to a heart arrhythmia (atrial fibrillation). They put me to sleep and shocked my heart back into sinus rhythm. About 2 miles down the road after I left, however, I was checking my pulse and found that my heart had fallen right back into the arrhythmia. After going back to the ER and talking to a cardiologist for a while, I was basically told that the condition was not harmful at all and the best thing to do would just be to take aspirin once a day as a mild blood thinner, to avoid clotting during the arrhythmia.

I have been hospitalized many times due to lung problems, but they didn't really bother or scare me at all. This incident with my heart however sort of freaked me out and caused a significant change in my behavior, which would later completely spiral out of control and lead me to where I am now. Even though I knew that the condition with my heart was not dangerous to me, I found myself checking my pulse many times throughout the day, because I thought I was feeling it skipping beats or something.

This is where everything began. I was checking my pulse more and more, and putting so much focus onto my body and what it was doing, that I put myself in a sort of constant state of anxiety. I would worry about my heart, which would make it worse, which would make me more anxious, and so goes the endless feedback loop. I would literally spend hours just sitting in my room and checking my pulse. This started a depressive state for me, and it would also isolate me from people. I was at a music festival in seattle and had a full blown panic attack from one hit of a joint because I just kept worrying about my heart endlessly.

The next thing that started happening for me were muscle spasms. Not severe or anything, just a twitch once in a while. I'm pretty certain that, and my doctor agrees with me on this, they were just a result of the anxiety that I had created. Anyway, I now had another thing to focus on and obsess about, which was my muscles. I started feeling like my body could never relax and that my muscles were really tense, and of course just by obsessing about this it became a reality, and my muscles WOULD tense up and spasm more. The power of the mind is incredible.

So basically the state I was in now was, I would wake up every single morning, be thinking about whatever I was dreaming about, and then my mind would default to the SAME EXACT place, which was thinking about my body and obsessing over whether or not my heart was steady and whether or not my body was relaxed. Regardless if I actually felt anything or not, I would obsess about it until it became a reality, I would obsess over it until my body became very very tense, and then of course I could not relax all day. I became extremely depressed from all of this because I was pretty much thinking about this 90% of the time, and my mind could not go anywhere else, and even if it DID go anywhere else it would almost immediately return because I would be *expecting* myself to obsess. I decided to follow my mothers advice and see a psychologist.

At first the psychologist was not that helpful but after a few weeks of working with him he helped me to realize one EXTREMELY important piece of knowledge, which was that I could still make the same decisions and do everything I wanted to regardless of how I was actually feeling. This was a revolutionary step for me, because for about 3 solid months at this point I was pretty much avoiding all social gatherings, and the only reason why was because while I was experiencing these symptoms of tension, I felt like they prohibited me from doing anything. There was no real rational reason for this (although none of this is rational), I just felt like while I was obsessing and feeling terrible that the only thing i COULD do was to continue to obsess and feel terrible, and so I never did anything, I would just sit in my room or something. So my psychologist helped me understand that I could still do things, and this caused me to basically revolt against how I was feeling, and force myself to do things. I began exercising a ton, hanging out with people more, writing music again, in fact I wrote an entire album.

I wasn't feeling any better though. I was able to do everything I wanted, but I was still very depressed and still in the same state of anxiety where I was obsessing about how my body felt all day. I noticed something, however, which makes absoultely no sense but remained true and is a key element I think to understanding whats going on. I was no longer worrying or obsessing about my heart. In fact, I wasn't thinking about it at all. I was no longer checking my pulse, ever. All I was doing was obsessing over the muscle tension I felt. Instead of checking my pulse, I found that I was constantly glancing at my hands to see if they were shaking. This was very odd, I thought, because this all started over worrying about my heart and focusing on that, and now it had morphed into this completely different thing; it was still the same mental process though. It's as if after so much obsessing over my heart I had triggered some sort of switch in my brain that would always try to find something wrong with my body to obsess about.

After lots of pushing from my mom and my psychologist, i decided to try an SSRI for the anxiety. This was a very hard decision for me because I very firmly do not want to be on a daily antidepressant, ever. It feels wrong, and fake, and just horrible. Anyway, I wanted to see if it would make the tension in my body go away; the only way I was able to relax was to take xanax, and that sucked because it just made me want to sleep. So I agreed to try it, and I went on lexapro, and continued to take it for 2 months. Honestly, there is not much to say about it, because not a lot changed while I was on it. The tension did not go away. The biggest thing that changed was that I wouldn't get as frustrated by my obsession, it calmed me down a little bit and I never got angry as I would sometimes. But it didn't change the fact that I was always thinking about this, and it didn't change the fact that I felt tense all the time.

I decided to stop seeing the psychologist because I told him he really helped me to understand that the way I'm feeling shouldn't need to affect the decisions I make in life (and he did, this was huge for me). I also decided to stop taking the medication because I didn't want my emotions to be altered in any way, I really just hated that. So I slowly tapered off the medication as the school term was ending and spring break was coming up. Then I got an e-mail a few days before spring break saying I was admitted to the student program at a conference in san fransisco, one that I had REALLY wanted to go to. I was still generally feeling like $#%^ and being anxious all the time so naturally I didn't feel like going at all, but I told myself that this was something very important to me and that I should just do it.

So I got on a train to san fransisco, really nervous that I was going to have some sort of breakdown and pass out while I was at the conference, due to some sort of overwhelming anxiety. Of course, this never happened, because it is completely irrational. The first few days of spring break at the conference I was feeling pretty much the same, but I was making myself do it and it wasn't that bad. Then something happened, I don't know how, but it just did. For the first time in about 5 months, I actually forgot. I forgot about what I think about every day. I forgot to worry and obsess and be miserable. What I mean is that it left my head entirely. And the feelings started to go away. I felt better. I believe what happened is that I got my mind to focus on other things enough that I fell out of my obsessive habits. I don't know how this happened but it just did.

I came back to oregon after the conference in a good mood, and the first few days back here were great. I went to parties and enjoyed myself. Then exactly what I was afraid of happened: everything started to come back. The reason for this, I believe, is that I still associate many things with my past feelings of anxiety. Being back in my room, sitting here at work, I worried that the horrible feelings and obsessions would come back, so of course they did.

So here's where I am now. I am no longer depressed, which is a pretty big change from where I was a few months ago, and I believe thats mostly because I feel like I can do things now-- I'm doing well in school, I'm making more friends again, etc. However, I'm falling into the same old patterns of obsession again. The best way I can describe it is a mental trap. Once I start thinking and obsessing about something in my body (lately, I have been obsessing about a weight on my chest that makes it feel harder to breathe, again I believe this to be entirely created by myself yet I experience it as completely real), I continue to obsess about it for long periods of time. It really sucks because it feels like I have to constantly work against this thing, constantly fight it, which is exhausting and frustrating. Even if I'm feeling ok, something will remind me of how I used to feel, and I fall right back into it. I'm obsessing all the time again.

Part of what makes it so hard to break out of this is that I only have negative memories recently of feeling like this. I know that I have one very positive memory of spring break when I began to feel better, but it doesn't seem to matter because it is overshadowed by thousands of terrible memories. My mom's theory of why I got better is that even though I stopped the medication, by the time spring break came it was when the medication was finally starting to work on me. I don't agree because the withdrawl from the medication is supposed to come on pretty quickly, and also I truly believe the reason I felt better was because I forgot about this altogether and got my mind to shift focus elsewhere.


I appreciate those who took the time to read all of this. I'm sure I didn't cover anything but I basically just tried to sum everything up as best as I could. Anybody who has advice for me, similar experiences, or even comments, I encourage you to share them. I am lost.

Hi,

I took the time to read everything you wrote and - actually - before you entioned that you took Lexapro, I was planning to suggest that you take it. I didn't know exactly how the end of your story was going to be like, and figured that an SSRI could help you! I actually took Lexapro for 3-4 years and am off it now since Christmas. It helped me a lot. I think that people are too impatient with SSRI's, but maybe doctors don't explain to their patient that they aren't 'wonder' drugs.

What happened when you went to Oregon - I believe - allowed you to confirm in your own mind that you COULD still be happy in life. It's the fact that you were out of your typical environment there that enabled you to 'reset' all of your old habits and embrace the new you that had been simmering under the surface for so long. It is the same with me now: Whenever I go somewhere new, I 'reset' who I am and everything that I've learned comes to the forefront. However, when I return back home (which is where I've lived for 25 years now), I am taken back to old habits and the 'new' me is non-existant.

Kevin

Chucky wrote:What happened when you went to Oregon - I believe - allowed you to confirm in your own mind that you COULD still be happy in life. It's the fact that you were out of your typical environment there that enabled you to 'reset' all of your old habits and embrace the new you that had been simmering under the surface for so long.

If by oregon you mean california, then yes I totally agree. The actual me who is passionate about life is still here under the surface. The new environment helped to bring out that, and part of the problem right now I think is that the environment I am in right now is filled with memories of feeling anxious, so its very hard to break out of the cycle.

Oh - sorry - I misread what you wrote (thinking that it was Oregon you went to for the conference). Anyway, you should now make a plan to get away from your current situation again. I am in a similar predicament but plan to move away permanently this coming Summer.

Hi, I've been experiencing much of the same thing. For about the last 5 years now. I'm not over it though, But i found your post encuraging. I was Dx'd with an anxiety disorder but it never had to do with paranoia and obsession about my body and health. Then a few incidents set off an over reaction to the point i was sure i was dying, I'd often make will's. My psychiatrist said i could be experiencing "Body Memories" with some stuff relating to my groin area. And even though i'm at time sure there is something wrong test always come back negative. And "Issues" would often arise in different areas of the body. It only seems to stop for short periods of time. I'd pour over medical books for answers...Which only exaserbated the situation.

Its a very, very stressing condition. Whatever it is.

I go through the same type of obsessive worrying. You realize the important thing though.... that the thoughts are ALWAYS ridiculous and irrational. There is no real reason to be thinking these things. We just can't help ourselves.... we can't turn our mind off or put the thought on the back burner.

One thing I have started doing that seems to be helping me is that when you start worrying about anything, write down what you're worrying about and try your best to postpone worrying. Then go back to that list later and look at it. Chances are you'll either forget why you were worrying about these things, or they'll feel pretty insignificant and ridiculous.

Also, give lexapro more of a chance. How much were you taking? I'm on it and it wasn't until I hit the 20mg mark where I really started noticing that I was feeling better. I had problems accepting that I had to be on a drug to feel better as well, but it's been really beneficial to me and I've gotten OK with it.

Polarity26 wrote:Hi, I've been experiencing much of the same thing. For about the last 5 years now. I'm not over it though, But i found your post encuraging. I was Dx'd with an anxiety disorder but it never had to do with paranoia and obsession about my body and health. Then a few incidents set off an over reaction to the point i was sure i was dying, I'd often make will's. My psychiatrist said i could be experiencing "Body Memories" with some stuff relating to my groin area. And even though i'm at time sure there is something wrong test always come back negative. And "Issues" would often arise in different areas of the body. It only seems to stop for short periods of time. I'd pour over medical books for answers...Which only exaserbated the situation.

Its a very, very stressing condition. Whatever it is.

Body memories in what sense ?
Body memories are usually associated with flashacks/trauma etc...
Does it remind you of something when you get that trigger ?

That is a really long post but it does a good job.That helped me a lot,Thanks...

I myself have a very similar story all the way through but I will not go into now, since it's 4 a.m. But I do want to recommend to anyone with anxiety, the herb Ashwagandha. It is more or less a miracle herb to me. There are no known side effects and it has been in use for centuries. I obsesses over my heart way to much. I get medical insurance at the end of this month and I'll be going to get a full check up, blood work, ekg, any and all things to make sure I am on top of my game. Look into ashwagandha. It has adaptogenic properties which help you handle daily stress no matter how much comes on.

I know it was a long time ago that 'Sixtyten' posted her very long but informative post. Mine will be long as well, my apologies. However, I do hope that whatever I might say will help the next person as much as she helped me today. So what I am about to post is really for anyone else who finds this thread and for myself to kinda get this off my chest.

I read her post this morning and I literally sat and sobbed for nearly 30 minutes about it. I could hardly catch my breath from just crying so hard over it. My "issues" really honestly were not apparent to me as clearly as they are today. And it was a relief to know that I am not the only one with this, although I feel for her at that age to be going through that, as being 40,I know all too well that she will have a lifetime struggle with the irrationality she conjures in her brain, as I have been dealing with it for over 30 years. What brought me here today was I was looking up the reasons my whole body is tense for like a week now. So I did what I do so well... I goggled "tense muscles all the time" and I just happen to stumble on this post and I wondered what this had to do with tense muscles. I am so thankful to find this, because it does put this all in perspective for me (for now) lol.

30 years is not a random number by any means. Because I was literally 10 years old when I found a HUGE medical book in my mom's room. And at 10 sat down and began flipping through pages and reading (what I could understand that is) all of the different stuff. Now I didn't understand those words, but clearly got a grasp of pictures.

One thing I found was a picture of a guy with red, inflamed, ugly looking teeth and gums. I was so interested in this picture. So I brought it to my moms attention. She never imagined that a 10 year old would take that to the 10th degree through her whole life. So she indulged my curiosity. She told me it was gingivitis, she told me all about it. So became my obsession with gingivitis. I would spend an absorbent amount of time looking at my gums in the mirror. One day I was in the car with my other mom (birth mom) and my brother and sister. Out of the blue I was thinking about the gingivitis, like non stop. So I said out loud to my mom. "Mom I think I have gingivitis". Well it was all my mom could do to not wreak the car from laughing. So my sister says, "mom what is gingivitis?" So she explained to my sister what it was. And I remember my sister and mom and brother laughing hysterically at this comment I made. I remember feeling so deflated from their joking. They didn't understand me. I have a something wrong with my gums, don't you hear me? (Of course, I really didn't, but it felt SO REAL)

Why is this little "funny" personal story so important to this forum..............?
Because that is actually when my obsession/ compulsion with my health began. At 10! So I began reading more and more of the medical books until my mom took it out of my room and hid it from me. That is not normal behavior for a child to do. Read medical books at 10.

Well as you can imagine...it continued my whole life. And I struggle with it everyday. Everyday I focus inadvertently on something going on in my body or some drastic disease I have. I can't let it go. As I write this, I can't help thinking something is still wrong with me (somewhere in my body) even though I know, that it is probably my stress again making me feel this way.

A typical person when they feel ill really can recognize it because they don't focus on what is going on in their body EVERYDAY so when something feels wrong, they know it's time to go to the doctor. Someone who has what I have, (which by the way, I have never been diagnosed officially with anything more than generalized anxiety disorder, depression and hypochondria) would spend so much time at the doctors, which I did, over every little thing, you just begin trying to diagnose it yourself, because the doctors end up saying, it's anxiety or what have you. And most of it is.

That is how the cycle begins again and again and again and again.... Because to really get down to it, those things that I think I have are COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL, I know this! But I can't get that through my head that I'm being irrational. It feels SOOOO REAL to me. I even have the ability to make symptoms that I read about real for me, I can feel those symptoms...they are tangible. If a symptom is muscles spasms. I can make them happen. That's so scary to me. When someone close to me is sick or dealing with a true illness, it amplifies it so much. I go through these cycles and I am unsure how to fix it. It's been me for so long. I'm used to it.

I agree with her when she mentioned when good things are going on in my life, I don't focus on my health. But when I am in a rut, it goes full speed ahead. Is anyone else going through this?