School stresses me out way more than usual

TW: S**cide, self-harm, anxiety, depression

Hello. I just found this website and thought it might be good to get my feelings out. I was not sure where to put this post since it fits under several different topics so I put it here. Anyways, the title. School is stressing me out way more than usual. Like, to an "unreasonable" degree. Given, it's not just school stressing me out, but that's usually what I tell other people because I don't want to get down into the nitty-gritty. For example, if I have a bunch of homework one night I'll get a big panic attack or suicidal thoughts and usually break down in my closet so not to be in front of anyone.

I'm in 10th grade, btw. This sort of stuff has been going on for more than a year (ever since COVID started) and it's still not better. In fact, I would say things are getting worse. I now have delusions too, like how my thoughts might be controlled by some outside force or that nothing is real. I sleep way longer than I used to, but often my sleep is interrupted by nightmares.

I thought things would get better, because about a year ago I also started seeing a therapist, then taking anti-depressants. My dosage has been increased three times and I still don't feel better. I also take an as-needed anxiety medication that I barely use because it makes me feel even more exhausted. I would tell my counselor about all this but I feel that her advice isn't really helpful and I have trouble talking about sensitive things. My throat tightens and I can't speak.

I have had several "bouts" of suicidal thoughts in the past, and self harmed occasionally as well. Although, I'm not sure if I should contact the text line because I am suicidal, just not sure if I actually will follow through, but it wouldn't take a lot of convincing either way.

If you have read this far, thank you, and please give me some advice if you have any.

Welcome to the forums, kitrit!

since 2020 I hear things have been particularly distressing for young people- which surprises me not a bit. I'm a pretty old fart- and from my perspective, there's been a lot of 'the sky is falling' pushed at young people these days. They tried to do the same with my generation- none of those bad things came to pass. The point being is that I think for a lot of people, 2020 has just pushed us over the edge. So much bad has happened, I find myself on an maintenance dose SSRI for anxiety, and all it does is take the edge off- for which I'm thankful, but it is what it is. I mean, it's not hard to work myself up, if I go out of my way to do it. I can sense that I don't care as much anymore about my fears, and that's a good start, anyway.

This post could fit several places, but I think for the time being we leave it in GAD. But I sense some OCD style obsessions and behaviours, particularly the suicidal ideation. I have OCD as well as general anxiety- both undiagnosed but I've been this way only over five decades so I'm pretty sure I know what I got- and between my own life experience, and the stories in the OCD forum, suicidal ideation is common as dirt for people with severe anxiety spikes. I've learned to mostly disregard mine- I have no real desire to die, merely to find 'a way out'. And death is no solution. You can't do backsies if you don't like Dead. And, being an old fart, I can tell you that Life is way too short already, without ending it prematurely. Not saying it never happens, but if severe anxiety often ended in suicide, we'd get a whole lot more turnover in OCD... thankfully, that doesn't happen.

If I thought this was a serious desire to end your own life, we'd be talking about this in Cutting & Self Harm. But for now, let's not.

I've also self-harmed as a result of overwhelming anxiety- a little as a teen/young adult, which I put down to general angst- it's hard to see it from where you are, but even at the best of times, pre-2020, teenagers are angsty. That's not meant to trivialise it- I was very, very angsty as a teen/young adult- it's just how it is. Rites of passage. Growing up is hard. What I'm getting at is it's really hard to see things from a more balanced perspective at that age. Everything is like, so incredibly overwhelming sometimes. And it feels like well that's just the end of the world, when it's really not. And again, 2020 is just one straw too many, I think. I think this past year and a half has been hardest on young people.

Actually however, most of my self-harm has been done in my fourth and fifth decades of life. I'm not sure if that's so much of an OCD trait as something else- self-harm throws self-testing and self-administered test results into a bit of a quandary, I think- the usual paradigm seems to be that self-harmers are Borderline to one extent or another. That's a discussion for another thread, however.

If your antidepressants aren't seemingly having any effect, might you be able to broach the idea of changing them? Are you still seeing the therapist? If not, can you? Sometimes pills just can't do it all on their own.

If you seriously consider suicide, you should definitely reach out to a hotline, or just show up at ER and tell them you're feeling suicidal. I'm hoping this is more the anxiety talking- but if you're getting strong urges, then talk to someone! You have nothing to lose, and your life to gain. I'm old, and still too young to die. You don't wanna do that to yourself, you have your whole life stretched out in front of you.