I Think My Anxiety Is Eating Away At Me

Hello, I’m new to this forum and don’t know if this is the proper place for this, but I feel that I need to talk to someone about this.

I have lived with depression for as long as I can remember but it was only a few years ago that I started going to therapy. I tried group therapy and one-on-one therapy, but none seemed to really help. I switched therapists but they didn’t help either. Now I have a new therapist and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. However, I feel like these don’t begin to tackle the things I’ve been experiencing. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or if I even have a problem to begin with. I worry all the time that I’m just making things up. Maybe my problems aren’t as big as they seem.

I feel empty most of the time. I can’t bring myself to feel good things or even bad things sometimes, it just feels like nothing’s there. If it’s not emptiness, it’s sadness..I go through life detached and feel as if though I’m looking at everything through a TV screen or as if though I’m in a “first-person” [point of view] game. Recently though...I’ve been feeling a little different. There are days where my hands start shaking and I can’t sit still. My throat starts to close up and when I feel that I’m choking I start to panic. My therapist has now diagnosed me with a panic disorder along with the depression and anxiety. Along with that my anxiety has been getting worse. At times I feel so unstable. I feel like I can’t take it, like if everything’s too much and my head starts racing. During these times, I start hyper-focusing on sounds and feelings. They become so overwhelming that they trigger panic attacks. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for so long that I learned to work around it. I thought that if I could just keep folowing the routine of life (wake up, shower, work/study, eat, sleep) that I could be ok and continue to “live” (not be a burden to others and not turn to worse coping methods). I was wrong though. I find that the more time I live like this the more unstable I get. Lately I have started seeing things. I see spiders crawling on the floor, on other furniture, and on me. I even feel them sometimes. All of this makes my anxiety and instability get worse, I don’t know what to do about it. My therapist strongly feels that I need medication but a part of me can’t go through with it. I feel like my problems aren’t big enough to take medication. I was always yelled at and scolded for being sad. I was always told that there was nothing wrong with me and that others have it far worse, that I simply need will power to feel better..

I know I have problems, but I can’t help but feel that they aren’t worth enough to go as far as medication. They are nothing compared to others and maybe I’m just putting too much attention to small matters. I don’t know how to measure the weight of my problems and don’t know how to convince myself that going through with medication is a good thing that can help me..I feel very lost.

Sorry for writing a lot and thank you for reading. Please feel free to share your opinions, thoughts, and experiences.

I would really try the suggestions of the doctor. They are the experts for treating these things. If the meds cause problems, you can always stop them.
The depression and anxiety went hand-in-hand for me too. The same med treated both. I did try to self-medicate with alcohol, but that became a disaster and I don't recommend it.
They also won't prescribe meds to active alcoholics. A clouded mind isn't receptive to therapy either.
After sobering up, I was able to give my full attention to my recovery. Life is great without the hopelessness and fear that I lived with each and every day.
Best of luck to you.

Wally58 wrote:I would really try the suggestions of the doctor. They are the experts for treating these things. If the meds cause problems, you can always stop them.
The depression and anxiety went hand-in-hand for me too. The same med treated both. I did try to self-medicate with alcohol, but that became a disaster and I don't recommend it.
They also won't prescribe meds to active alcoholics. A clouded mind isn't receptive to therapy either.
After sobering up, I was able to give my full attention to my recovery. Life is great without the hopelessness and fear that I lived with each and every day.
Best of luck to you.

True, they are experts and they are probably suggesting medication for a reason. My therapist says that too, that there are options with medication and if it doesn’t work I can stop them. It’s a good point and does ease some of my worries, but I just can’t shake the feeling that my problems aren’t “big enough” to get medication. However. Today has made me feel tired and defeated. I ended up having a conversation with my sister about the topic of depression. I never really talked about it with her, but even she repeated the same thing the rest of my family says: you just need more will power to get over it, others have it worse than you. Hearing that again made me go into another wave of depression and anxiety. I wondered why my family wasn’t accepting that mental health is a real issue. I wondered why even though I have asked them to help me and try to understand, at least inform themselves about mental health, they continue to ignore me. It’s been this way for so long, I feel that they have abandoned me in a way. Maybe I’m being childish about this? I know that I’m old enough to take care of myself, but I simply want their support. They’re my family...Anyway. I felt like something in me is done. I looked for a psychiatrist earlier today. I feel like I’m unstable for most of the week now, it’s hard. I hope trying medication will help. Of course, I will still work closely with my therapist.

Thank you for reading and sharing your experience, I really appreciate it!

You say that your problems 'aren't big enough' to warrant taking medication. If they are big enough of a concern for you to getting therapy and posting here, then that seems 'big enough' to me.
I also didn't think that I needed help and that I would 'deal with it'. I told myself that if it got worse, then I might do something more. Ask yourself, 'how bad does it have to get?'
Can you imagine how much better life might be if you could simply 'take the edge off' of depression and anxiety that may be holding you back more than you think it is?
Finding the right med and the right dosage might take some adjustments. The doctor will monitor you to see how they are working, or not. Be patient. I don't think that I would have recovered without the help of medications. They don't have to be forever and you may realize benefits from them.
I would explore this more with your doctor at your next appointment.