Please help, my days are ruined by questioning

Hej, I'm 24 years old an posted a similar thread in the sexual category. I've had a couple of very nice responses there, but my mind is still going in circles...so I came here to see if this might be more anxiety driven obsessive behavior.
A bit about myself: I am still a virgin, but had sexual encounters with the opposite sex on quite a few occasions and really enjoyed them when I did. I'm very indecisive and need a lot of approval from the outside world and do let my (mainly female friends) make decisions for me (also in terms of who I should/shouldn't date/ have sex with). They don't actively say that, but i always contemplate what would they think of me if I had sex with this guy...

About a month and a half ago I visited a friend and was in quite a rut, I was unhappy for no real reasons (that only happend to me throughout this last year of my masters it was mainly due to my looks that I was very in confident in and my inability to make friends easily) and wondered why. Also meeting new people at her Erasmus made me nervous as I have social anxiety. When we came into the kitchen I got struck by the beauty of her female flatmates (long her, feminine dressing and bodies) and I though 'Oh my god, I must be gay'. From there on I panicked and started checking whether or not I am actually attracted to women or men (everyone I saw). I started going over my past encounters with men, questioning why I never went further with them and if that I didn't indicated I'm gay.
I got stuck in my mind, encapsuled myself and went back home to my family where I cried myself to sleep every night. I have never felt so uncertain and I took every test that I could find on the Internet googleing how do i know if I'm gay? Of course when the answer was straight I felt relieve for some time, but then got back at it again. When the answer was gay or bi I lost it and started getting air shortage/ heart racing and panic attacks. It just doesn't feel right to me. (no offense here, I grew up in a very accepting surrounding, I have lesbian/gay friends and my parents are also okay with that) Ever since I am more aware of womens bodies when I am around them, always questioning am I attracted to that? It gives me a lot of anxiety and pain as I am by now not really able to tell what actually is attraction and what is just appreciation of a beautiful human or 'normal attention' given to the same sex.
When I dream I usually dream about being with males, actually never a woman. When masturbating I think of a man being turned on by me and how I could turn him on best. (Is that weird in itself?) When I try to imagine being with a woman I feel either nothing or need to start burping which is usually my sign for 'nah not for me'. Thinking of men makes me happy, but nevertheless I am questioning the reality of my feelings as I was never good at pinpointing them down. When I'm with my friends I feel like of 'course your straight, no attraction whatsoever' again until anxiety hits me and I try to look for tension when we touch. But it's not a sexual 'zing', more an awareness of the other body that I feel and it is not nice.
Romantically I definitley had crushes on boys, butterflies, heart racing, stomach drop, everything. When it comes to girls I head one really deep friendship whit a girl I admired I found her so cool (the way she dresse, was confident) and I am now questioning whether that was a crush or just me seeking a role-model? It was never sexual with her although we got changed in front of eachother and had a lot of sleep-overs/went on holiday togehter. Of course I thought 'oh she looks really good in that bra' but more in a sense of 'I wish my boobs were not as wonky and more like hers'. Now I'm questioning whether that was all or if my wanting to be like her/admiration ment more. It gives me anxiety spikes talking to her and I just want to be able to return to our normal friendship!
With men I always dream about finding the man that make me laugh and I a am happy with and I had a couple of good friendships that turned into more, which is the point I backed out for various reasons (mostly me having lied about being a virgin, friends saying 'you really like HIM?' and me then questioning it) Although I want to be liked/ dress up for men I am shy when it comes to speaking to them and I can't seem to find the right words to make myself interesting to them which make me angry at myself. I can easily talk to girls and I used to think it's because there's 'nothing at stake' sexually. I am so confused!

After spending most of my time on formus like this reading around coming out and anxiety stories, it's just enough...why can't I know what I feel?
Yesterday I took a flexuality test that was recommended in this for mum, once I answered what I hope/believe to be true which came out with mostly straight and a tat of ambisexual. Then I took the test again answering all the questions with uncetain or the middle scale as I really don't know how I feel/can't determine what I feel and it popped up with mostly ambisexual, but still quite a lot of straight. (almost same) which made me feels super anxious and I went back to the forum to reassure myself that I am not lesbian. In the test it also indicated some sort of change in my sexuality which gave me another hit and I thought no that's not true, but started questioning it afterwards. It is true I don't feel as feminine at the moment, but that is due to a way to short haircut that gives me a lot of insecurities as I just want to be back to my normal girly seductive self. I am now constantly afraid someon ecould assume that I was a lesbian due to my haircut and I try to dress purposely female. That mostly females complimented me on my hair doesn't make it any better. I a pretty certain that I don't want to have a penis so I'm trying not to give too much attention to that part of the test. But does my not-so-feminie-feeling mean that I have to be attracted to girls? Am I aware of girls more because they radiate what I want back for myself?

This morning I woke up still dreaming about being with a boy, I thought oh there it is you're straight and fell back asleep. When I woke up again my mind went 'Are you really'' and I started checking again, not knowing what the true answer is. I am so tired of this. Please help.

Also I should maybe mention that I would do and care a lot for my friends (male and female) and most of my more serious dating came from a friendship with a man. As soon as he showed interest in me I would stop investing as much in him as he might think I wanted too much. (whatever that is) and when he told me he wanted to be with me I was always questioning why. I was happy when I was with them, but the whole relationship thing stressed me out as I didn't want to commit to one person. With friends (and therefore especially females) I would never have that fear as it was always quite clear this is a friendship and cannot be more. I have a lot of anxiety and jealousy around my friends, I like to keep friendship groups separated as I feel like they know me in different environments/therefore different versions of myself and I get jealous when two of my friends get along really well. Or if they have another bestie. Especially male friends I want to keep to myself. I was never jealous of a boyfriend of a female friend.

There have been times in my life when I have questioned my own sexuality. It can come and go. I would not obsess on it and especially I would not let it upset you.
It seemed to happen to me when I was at a party or gathering. There was some nostalgia and the mood was very social. It was energizing and at the same time, slightly disturbing as I am not usually prone to these kinds of thoughts.
This turmoil will pass. You will eventually sort out your feelings.
Best of luck to you.

Let's first agree that men and women are both visually appealing. Women, weather straight or gay, will always look at other womens features. We admire things about their bodies that differ from ours. For me I always noticed girls with flat stomachs and thought that was sexy because I have a flabby one. I've been sexual with guys and girls when I was that age but later knew that I liked men because they can do everything a woman can and then lay me out with the only thing they have better than a woman, a penis. I think you're at a point in your life where you're ready to experience sex and woman give you the false idea that it's not sex, it's foreplay with them. Look at why you don't lay down with a man? Would you feel guilty because of penetration? Do you feel like virginity is meant for your soulmate or spouse? Don't rush with anyone but if it feels right, go for it. Man, woman, doesn't matter, your heart will lead you.

Hey and thank you for your replies! The last days I tried just not to think to much about it and it worked at times and then didn't again. I know that there is nothing bad about having feelings for either gender, but when I listen to myself I feel quite sure that I just want friendship from a woman. I feel more confident around them, especially when I admire their outgoing personality myself and then feel like it's kind of rubbing off on me when I am with them. That's it.

When I am with men the reason for not having sex is variable...I would not do a one night stand as I 'give away' my virginity for 'too little'. Then I am not using contraception (except from condoms) and panic a lot at the thought of pregnancy. And lat but not least it is fear of the unknown and the expectations that people have of a 24 year old that should've had sex by now.
My body confidence is not at it's best as well...

Lilllirosebea wrote:Hey and thank you for your replies! The last days I tried just not to think to much about it and it worked at times and then didn't again. I know that there is nothing bad about having feelings for either gender, but when I listen to myself I feel quite sure that I just
When I am with men the reason for not having sex is variable...I would not do a one night stand as I 'give away' my virginity for 'too little'. Then I am not using contraception (except from condoms) and panic a lot at the thought of pregnancy. And lat but not least it is fear of the unknown and the expectations that people have of a 24 year old that should've had sex by now.
My body confidence is not at it's best as well...

Don't give it up for nothing, make sure you feel something. If you're concerned about contraception you can start the pill to "regulate your period". Dont worry about others expectations. Its not a circus out there hunny, they dont all want kinky crazy sex. The right type of guy will take it easy with you. Make sure they know you're a virgin ONLY WHEN YOU'RE READY FOR SEX! Don't tell them right away because they'll see it as a conquest. Lastly, your body is attractive and sexy to the man loving it. Dont worry about your body, instead enjoy what you're physically feeling. There are men attracted to all types of women, love yourself with the body you're in and a guy with your taste will come along. Confidence is sexy!

Thank you BrelaxedHunny, I know I shouldn't get all worked up about it, but it is a bit too late for that now. One of the main things is that I have told lies about not being a virgin before, which made it worse. I am trying to become more confident and I sometimes succeed in suggesting it and men are always surprised if I am not that confident underneath the surface.

Also I often question what does love feel like? Am I in love, do I have to be in love in order to have sex?
I have been very protected by friends and family while growing up, they always told me that I was precious and should not easily give myself away to someone (not in a religious way) I feel pressured by society to have a perfect relationship and sex for me is one of the steps towards a relationship. I am never sure if he is the one and panic about having to introduce him to my family and friends as I feel like they all have their own expectations of who they'd see me with.

I know I shouldn't care and if I love someone they will love him too in the end, I guess I have not found the strength to stand up for my feelings.

You don't have to lie about it, just withhold it for a while, see if he's into your personality. Confidence is built. I know it's an odd thing to do but look at yourself in the mirror everyday and verbally say "I'm beautiful, I'm valuable, I'm worthy of confidence" or something like that. A daily mantra to build yourself and help you see your beauty and power.
Love feels like you can't ever stop thinking about them, you feel safe and warm in their arms, you miss them when they're away, you hurt when they hurt, you just feel it. You'll naturally leave the family opinions and care about his.
Nope, don't have to be in love to have sex but sometimes sex can make you think you're in love. Also, youre an individual, you dont have to care what your family or anyone elae thinks of your man.
Ask yourself what you want in a man, forget the families ideas.