I feel so #######5 (nervous breakdown experience)

I had a nervous breakdown in June 2017. Some background: I've been living at home since graduating college 2 years ago, worked at a job in my hometown. I consider myself ambitious, hardworking, independent. My anxiety and stress had been building ever since I moved home, until it got so debilitating I had to quit my job in June. I felt paralyzed, had derealization/DP. Panic attacks were insane. I felt a desperate need to escape, I felt extreme rage and resentment at my parents, I felt I was ready to explode/snap. It was like I had had ENOUGH of them (especially my mom).

I've been seeing a therapist about this since October -- I felt therapy helped a lot, and I was so focused on it and made progress in terms of the issues with my mom. It was like we uncovered the root cause of my issue/anger.

However, it's now January (almost Feb.) and I feel like reality has hit me -- I haven't reached the goal I wanted in therapy yet, and I realized I have to move on with my life. I feel like complete S**T because I regret not having taken a break following the breakdown in June -- I was in horrible shape but I felt like if I had gone away from my parents maybe I would have been better. But a part of my mind was like maybe I need to grow from this and get my anger out? And experience a breakthrough?

I feel like a piece of $#%^, and so stupid for continuing on with this situation. I have dark, low thoughts as a result, suicidal thoughts I never thought I'd have in my life. I'm so angry with myself, wishing I had left just to give me some sense of joy because I had had it with my parents and living situation.

Two years might seem like a while, but this is really you getting your feet wet after college. I too went balls to the wall after college, and after that ambitious honeymoon phase left, I was burned out and anxious. I was near my home town. My mother did NOT make it easy. She kept trying to give me projects, because her line of work is related to what I used to do. This was on top of my main job...where I was an assistant manager. Everything you're saying sounds like me around that time.

Therapy can take a really long time. I've been going (for many things) since January of last year. I go once a week, and still have many of my bad habits. Still I've lost many of them, so I know it's helping. Though it may be depressing and stressful to you, I wouldn't recommend taking on much more till you become more calm. My mom (though not much in my life anymore) instilled a need to always need to be doing something, and preferably something useful. It makes things extremely stressful when trying to relax. I'll often start a project for work, and wind up daydreaming because I both can't focus on work, but don't want to simply be lazy. *sigh

I feel like a piece of $#%^, and so stupid for continuing on with this situation. I have dark, low thoughts as a result, suicidal thoughts I never thought I'd have in my life. I'm so angry with myself, wishing I had left just to give me some sense of joy because I had had it with my parents and living situation.

Good lord you sound like me. I have pure ocd plus bipolar, which makes for all the dark thoughts when I'm down. This also includes me feeling like a POS for whenever I can't do something that I feel is important.

I would maybe talk to your therapist about the likelihood of you having OCD, a mood disorder and maybe ADHD. Meds help, but don't leap on them till you're comfortable.