New job today and I'm already miserable

Hey everyone,

I have had anxiety for years (a combination of pretty much pure O OCD and generalized anxiety, mixed in with a healthy dose of body dysmorphic disorder), and I thought I had a handle on it, especially over the past few months. Long story short, I have been job jumping for the past year and a half after finishing my degree. I was previously working for an optometrists' office as an Optometric Assistant, but left that job to start a new one in marketing for a new company. I was miserable while I was there, and I truly hated it, but the company shut down after about 6 months. I transitioned into a part-time paid position for a company I had been volunteering for for the previous year and a half or so, but I was working a LOT more than what I was being paid for, and was stressed all the time (however, I wasn't depressed).

I left that job back in June, and have been doing contract work since then, but it wasn't paying the bills so I decided to get back into optometry. I started a new job today, but since I was hired last week I have been getting more and more anxious and depressed just thinking about it. I went to my first day of training today, which was pretty boring for me (as it is aimed at people with no experience at all, whereas I have 10 years of experience in optical) but for some reason it made me just miserable. Even little things, like the dress code being more strict than I was thinking it would be (and I don't have the money right now to be able to afford a new wardrobe), made me super anxious. I had to start at 8:30 this morning, which is much earlier than I prefer to start work, and when I move to my permanent location in 2 weeks I may be expected to start as early as 8:00 am (even though the office doesn't open until 10). I get super anxious about having to wake up early, and wind up not sleeping at all because I worry that I'll oversleep, so I'm already exhausted.

Since I got home, I just crashed. I have been crying, can't eat, and I doubt I'll be able to sleep again tonight. They said they are very strict about people being late, so the sleep thing is really getting to me. Part of me just wants to go there tomorrow (at 8 stupid 15) and tell them that I won't be coming back.

Logically I know I should stick it out until I have been at my real position for at least a few weeks to see how I feel, but I honestly don't know how I can even get through the next day without having a total mental breakdown. I am honestly more miserable than I have been in over a year, and I don't know what to do.

-- Mon Nov 27, 2017 7:31 pm --

A bit more detail - all I could think about is what I would have been doing if I was not at this new job, and even though I was getting basically cabin fever from being at home, and stressed about money, I was nowhere near this miserable. This has hit me like a wall and I'm honestly really surprised by it. I feel trapped, and now I can't even wear what makes me comfortable. I feel like I won't be able to sleep, like I won't have any time to myself, and like I'll just be either at work or in bed trying to not be miserable.

So I spoke with my sister today, who is very much like me and has a ton of anxiety issues especially around work, and basically she's talked me down and helped me decide that I am the one in control here. If I don't like this job, she said I should feel no shame in quitting. There are a bunch of things I had talked about in my interview (such as the fact that I don't want to devote my life to work, that I plan to continue working for myself, etc.) that I was very clear about, but those are now all being contradicted with this training program. I might talk to the trainer and lay it all out on the line, and just say "here's what we talked about, and here's where your policies aren't lining up with my expectations". Either that or I finish the training, and go to my actual position and see what shapes up there.

I do feel a bit better now, having talked it through with my sister.