Got reminded who I really am

Up until about a week ago I had been doing alot better. I had noticed a small increase in social skills and an ability to engage people and open up. I drive for lyft and usually when a stranger opens my car door and gets in I have kind of a blank look of nervousness on my face, and felt it was starting to become easier to smile and say hello to people. I noticed they seemed alot more comfortable and there wasnt as much tension in the air upon them entering. Then one night about a week ago I pick up these two drunk girls who start yelling and harrasing me. It was late and I was tired and was really not in a good mood or a mood where I felt I could be sociable at all. When they see that I dont exactly find it funny what theyre doing they start berrating me and yelling "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!? GROW A ######6 PERSONALITY. GROW SOME BALLS. I put on my usuall poker face to cover up the state of panic my body is inflicting on me, and start to have a panic attack when I start planning on how to pull over and kick them out, thinking that they would become violent or refuse to leave and then Id really be put to the test. It ended with them standing outside my car, pointing and laughing hysterically as I have a visible panic attack and dont do a single thing to stand up for myself.

It made me realize that the reason I had been feeling better is because for a long time I hadn't had anyone take advantage of my obvious vulnerabilities and it made me start to forget just how big of a pussy I am. Just how much of a wuss I really am. That deep down I know how small of a man I am, just how pathetic I truly am. They reminded me who I really am and reality came crashing back. I thought that I would go home and sleep it off and wake up the next day and put it behind me but here 2 weeks later im still angry when I think about it, angry at them for being @@@@@@@ but even angrier at myself for not being able to stand up for myself and kick them to the curb.

Its made me realize that one of the reasons I isolate from people is because it provides the environment that I need to decieve myself into thinking Im just like everybody else. I can play out scenarios in my head and imagine myself reacting in a normal way and I make myself believe that thats how Id be in real life. I avoid people because they have the ability to show me who i really am, a wuss push over who will take $#%^ from anybody and wont do jack about it. Even my roomate takes advantage of me and sometimes I get so angry I wanna kick in his door and beat him to a pulp but as soon as I get the courage to confront him and start talking to him face to face I cowar, lose my train of thought and allow him to rationalize why hes right and agree with him. I rationalize to myself that I was just being diplomatic but in reality, I was just submitting to him. Just being a wuss.

It took those girls picking me apart to finnaly realize who I truly am, and its going to be harder than ever to start decieving myself again. All day my mood jumps from being extremely angry with a "F" everybody mentality to just being numb and blank. Im sick of it. I want so many things in life but Im too much of a wuss to go after them. I want a girlfriend more than anything and physically speaking Im above average looking and I know if I wasnt so mentally ###$ up I could have any girl I want. But I let them come, I let them go, even if I see theyre interested because I dont have the balls to put myself out there. Im just a rat. A bottom feeder in a good looking persons body. I just wanna get high or drunk to forget who I am and I wanna avoid life at all costs because its too painful, and im just a scared little boy whos being asked to live the life of a 27 year old man. I cant do it. Im too pathetic. I wish nobody cared about me so I could just die. I want the world to see me put up my middle finger and then die. I wanna scream to the world "###$ all you healthy functional people who judged me for not being able to do what you do. ###$ all you who took advantage of me and ###$ anyone who takes anything they have for granted. Then just kill myself and let this pathetic life I live come to an end