Anxiety and wanting to leave my job.

Hello,

I'm new to this forum. I apologize if any errors is made while writing this. Inform me about them and I'll correct them if possible.

I'm a physiotherapist working in a Hospital. Actually I'm the only physiotherapist in the entire city of nearly 3000 inhabitants. I like my job and colleagues. My patients like me and I think I do a good job here. At least I'm told that. I have been here for nearly 17 months and haven't yet had a sick day. I take my work seriously try to be as consistent as possible when doing my job.

The thing is get so nervous when attending patient-conferences or meetings like this morning. I attended a patient-meeting with my fellow colleagues discussing a patient. When the doctors asked me my stomach tightened up, my eyes became wide open and my voice sounded squeezed and was shivering. At one time my colleague to the right of me looked at me and I instantly felt she was thinking how weak he is or maybe she was feeling sorry for me for behaving in this way.

I hate this condition. I absolutely hate it and I just want to leave my job. It happens nearly all the time and I'm working on myself by doing meditation and breathing techniques. It helps a little but then other days my training is completely gone. Its my own fault for not being consistent in my efforts in working with myself. Sometimes I wish I could live alone in the jungle or some other remote place. I feel so good when I'm just alone. I hate that I become nervous and anxious every time I need to present something or when the focus is on me. I practice my theory and I know it to the bone but in the situation it vanishes for me. From the outside I must look like a scared little mouse.

Patient-conference is every monday of the week and then every wednesday every 2nd week we have a conference where we discuss topics related to each profession. Sometimes I have prepared a lot and really want to speak my mind but I can't. I end up sitting quiet the entire meeting listening to others speak. I really want to talk but I can't. I can't risk again looking like a complete nervous wreck so I just sit there. I wish I didn't had to have a human body. Only problems with such a stupid piece of meat.

Im considering leaving my job. Not because I want to since I love work my here. I have a good apartment and good economy but I just can't bare being here anymore and making a fool out of myself on a daily basis because of my anxiety. I feel that my colleagues think I'm weak and can't control myself. I don't want to be labelled or thought of as "the nervous one". Every time I have to speak at meetings or conferences I feel everyone is just waiting for the unevitable to happen, ie. that I'm showing my anxiety again and looking like a wreck.

If I leave my job this anxiety will just follow me as it resides in the brain/mind. I know this. That makes my thoughts illogical. When these sitations happen I feel bad the rest of the day. I feel like once again I couldn't be true to myself. Once again I failed to be strong and confident in myself. Its like I have a flaw, a flaw that just can't be fixed.

I'm sorry for venting here. Didn't know where else to go and I have had enough of this stupid anxiety. I had it for 10+ years. In some periods it was gone due to me working intensely with myself but then I stopped and the anxiety slowly sneaked back into my life.

I'm 32 years old btw. The day has just started here. Its now 1,5 hours ago since I became nervous at the morning conference. I have a patient coming in half an hour. I'm looking forward to it actually. But mostly I'm just waiting for the day to be over so I can go home and be alone. Tomorrow is another day.

Thank you for listening to me. Have a pleasant day.

Kali.

Hi Kali - I hope you're feeling ok and that you haven't left you job - it sounds that you enjoy it in the most part.

Public speaking is hard for a lot of people - have you ever just pretended that it doesn't scare you? When I was a child, I would cry and shake whenever I had to present something to the class - it was uncontrollable. Then, when I went to high school, horror of all horrors, I had to participate in drama classes. My teacher was HARD. She had no compassion for anyone who was shy.... and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. We HAD to do it and, once it was done, I realised that it didn't hurt. It was great to 'pretend' to be someone else.

I'd recommend you join (HORROR) a drama or speaking class. Let the teacher know that you're terrified. They are usually so passionate about their craft, they genuinely want other people to enjoy it as much as they do!

In the meantime, see a doctor and perhaps get some medication to take that edge off!

It's worth kicking anxiety!