Friends want to clean my apartment; I freak out!

I don't generally let anyone into my apartment because my depression/anxiety causes me to live like a slob. It's not as bad as the people you see on TV who have a hoarding problem; it's usually just a lot of papers strewn about that need to be picked up and organized, and dishes that need to be done, etc.

However, when people come by unexpectedly, or I have to let someone stay with me for awhile without a lot of prior notice, they inevitably want to "do me a favor" and "help me clean up the house." I really resent this! It makes me so mad. I know my shortcomings, and I do not want their "help." I feel that their offer is less of a favor and more of a way to criticize the way I live. It makes me embarrassed and shameful. Also, I've had "friends" who wanted to justify looking through my stuff by saying they were helping me clean, and they ended up stealing a lot of things! Moreover, there are just some aspects of my life that I would like to remain private/personal. If there are things hidden way under my bed, maybe there is a reason! ha

This week, I had a guy stay with me, and I didn't know him very well at all. He claimed that he wanted to help me clean, and I blew up at him in a rage. He didn't know what was important and what wasn't, and he threw things away that were sentimental. I explained what I had gone through in the past (theft, privacy, embarrassment, etc.) in a very calm voice at first, but when he continued to "help me clean," I just lost my mind!

I'd like to know if anyone else is hypersensitive to having people look through their things, and how they deal with situations like this.

Did I overreact, or was I justified? Should I apologize for yelling at him? How should I handle things like this in the future?

The last seven days, my anxiety level was probably the highest it has ever been. I don't ever want to feel that way again!

I have looked all over the internet for advice on this issue, and I can't find anything! Any help would be appreciated.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
You tried the calm approach 1st time which is very good.

Rage/anger dosen't work either. It only enforces ones unwholesome behavior. What instead needs to be done is to be mindful and aware of the anger and its components.

Anger is really just a concept. When we break it down we will see that it consists of several distinct elements such as a physical and a mental component. The physical component will be bodily reactions to anger such as increased heat in the body, muscle tightness, increased heart rate etc. The mental component will be thoughts regarding the object of the anger, thoughts about retaliation and the like.

When one observes these elements without judging them they will subside on their own when their energy is exhausted. If one observes them without interfering with them, ie. without taking ownership of them or identifying with them, one can actually learn about the nature.

One will come to see how anger affects both the body and mind. One will see how muscle tightness happens and how its released after its nutriments are gone. If instead we take ownership of the anger it will grow and evolve. Its like throwing more stick onto the camp fire.

There is a huge difference in saying "I am Angry" and "Anger is present at the moment". The last expression is objective and does not identify with the anger.

Might I suggest 2 things for you.

1. Learn to say no. Easier said than done, I know. When you don't want to have visitors or doing anyone any favors, then don't. If you are not ready then the situation will not be right. When you have time and energy then its okay. Then you are in the right position to offer someone your help.

2. Try to be mindful when anger or other emotions arise. Be mindful of all the components, ie. the physical and mental components. Pick only one object to observe. Pick the strongest object at that moment and observe that. If a feeling of heat is the dominating object then observe that. If suddently strong aversion towards that heat arises, then take the aversion as a new object. If thoughts of revenge arises then observe those. In between objects observe your stomach, ie. the feeling of the stomach rising and falling.

The process is as follows:

Observe stomach rising and falling -> if a bodily or mental object arises then observe that. When it disappears, return attention back to the rising and falling of the stomach. -> then a new object appears oberserve that until it disappears and then again return to the rising and falling of the stomach. If one continues doing that eventually one will learn about the objects. One will learn that they are impermanent and that they are not really under our control. We cannot just command the anger to go away or demand that pleasant feelings stay as long as we want them to. These things are out of our control. Objects persist until their fuel/nutriments are exhausted.