I don't often have anxiety, but when it hits, it hits hard

Hi I'm Doug.

I'd say that most of the time, say 70%, I am virtually anxiety-free. 20% of the time I deal with some mild neurosis, and 10% of the time, which happens to be the reality I'm dealing with at the moment, I am intoxicated with anxiety, and it's not fun.

The source of my current anxiety is work-related. I've been thrust into a new role that involves dealing with some incredibly high-maintenance people, not the least of which happens to be a bigwig VP who seems to thrive on making people uncomfortable. I have a weekly call at the end of the day Monday (which results in a prolonged sense of dread ALL DAY Monday) that is often challenging and unnerving in nature, being that I host the call and have to capture a high volume of updates on a live stream everyone is watching. The VP interjects often, and it's difficult to follow and keep up sometimes. I've been essentially in the same role for almost 5 years and haven't had to deal with anything like this, so it's definitely a shock to my system.

Although I would say I am generally prone to anxiety/depression, I have fought it my entire life fairly successfully overall (hence the fact at least 70% of my adult life, I've been relatively happy). But when I am hit with certain situations like this, where I am out of my element and dealing with unnecessarily difficult people, it comes roaring back with a vengeance and really becomes all-consuming to the point I am in a perpetual state of dread/heightened-alert most of the time outside of the call itself. And the lead-up to the call is borderline excruciating as my anxiety-levels steadily climb in anticipation of it. By the time we go live on the call, I'm in a textbook fight-or-flight situation, which makes it harder to concentrate and follow along with the flow of the call, which has already lead to some minor hiccups on the call, but I fear frustrations will begin to grow with me if that continues.

All of this is just contributing to me being further withdrawn in my role, which does not help build rapport with these people and that's really not particularly typical of me, and just overall does not help the situation. It feels like a downward spiral, and since I have only barely begun this process (I'm about 1 month in at this point), I fear it may just be the beginning.

Anyway, I could easily go the doc and probably get on some beta-blockers (at minimum) that would greatly improve my symptoms, but I am wary of opening up a can of worms where I could potentially become dependent on prescription medication. This current situation at work is technically temporary, as I won't be supporting this group come 2018, but the idea of making it through March (let alone the rest of the year) dealing with this seems incredibly daunting.

I thought I would seek out some type of forum to write about this, because I generally find writing about such things to be a therapeutic experience in and of itself for me. Sometimes writing things out on paper makes my problems feel small, which I wholly admit this is a small problem in the grand scheme of things, but the symptoms I'm feeling are classic fight-or-flight, and my brain is pumping out unpleasant chemicals excessively, so despite whatever I do to try and calm myself, or despite how much I try to rationalize my feelings, I am still experiencing these dreadful and borderline panic-attack symptoms, and it's just really hard to get my mind into a positive space about it and just relax!

Anyway, I'm just here to write for myself mainly, not sure how many people will actually respond, but certainly feel free to. I guess I'm trying to figure out if I need to make a doctor's appointment, or if I should give this a few more weeks to see if anything changes. I suspect, with time, things will improve modestly, but if I can save myself the anguish between now and then, why not?

Thanks for reading.

Doug.

Dear Doug:

The difficult people you deal with at work remind me of my mother. Was she a difficult person to live with! A constant source of anxiety for me growing up. You described that VP as thriving on making people uncomfortable. I wish people would be aware, or if aware, that they would care how they affect others. I suppose some people distress others on purpose, as it is a strategy that works for them, gives them some payoff.

I hope you don't resort to psychiatric drugs. Although those made me feel better at times, taking them for 17 years was accompanied by my life circumstances getting worse.

Did you grow up, by the way, with difficult people? I wonder if this VP/ others like him are triggering childhood experiences?

atina

Hi Atina,

Thanks for your reply. It's funny you should mention that, as my mother struggled with benzo/alcohol addiction for most of my childhood...goes without saying that wasn't a pleasant experience most of the time.

She still remains difficult, but she has gotten better. I'm not sure if there's a direct correlation between my childhood strife and this current situation, but all I know is it's just one of those situations that I just want to run from (fight or flight...I'll take flight! I don't want to deal with it, I resent it, and I can't just seem to embrace it and realize the fact that it is not really a big deal. Even if I have a few "choppy" calls now and then (which will likely be the case), it's not going to have any real/tangible effect on my work performance as far as my boss is concerned. Although I hate these calls, I do want to do a good job on them. I don't want to self-sabotage myself, that certainly won't help matters. I mean technically, if one were to grade my "performance" on the call, I'm sure most everyone would say I'd get a B or a B+ at worse really, since 90% of the call goes relatively smoothly (in spite of the anarchic nature of the call).

I'm going to see how today's call goes (although I'd probably lay down $100 right now to get out of it)...well, maybe $50 , and then I have a monthly call with my boss (who is very nice) this Friday. She's actually a psych-major, so maybe she can help coach me through this.

I appreciate your reply, and I can relate on some level to having a difficult Mom growing up. It's funny, I love her, but with all the trauma she put me through in my childhood, it's always made it hard to get to close to her. Bitter pill. Anyway, thanks again. I really do appreciate having a chance to correspond with someone about this.