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I am overthinking everything

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I am overthinking everything

Postby Wats » Sat Nov 19, 2016 1:15 pm

I have recently realised that most of my life i have actually had social anxiety/low self esteem.
For example when i am talking with people i tent to sometimes be anxieus but it lasts even after the conversation is over because i am thinking about it and what have i said wrong.

Even when someone calls me on the phone, even if i dont know the person, or whatever i will still have that thought planted in my head, thinking about what i should have said differently. I understand that this is stupid thats why i am making a topic here aswell but i cant control it.

Also sometimes i know what i have to say to someone and im confident about it but when i get to the point where i have to do it it often happends that i just mumble the words and completely get the blockade.

It is really frustrating and if anyone can help me i would greatly appreciate it.
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Re: I am overthinking everything

Postby DanielleP » Mon Nov 21, 2016 3:52 am

Hi Wats. First of all I want to say I've dealt with anxiety a lot in my life so I know how it feels. In a way it doesn't sound like it's anxiety that's causing you to doubt yourself. It sounds like maybe you've had some bad experiences that have stayed with you or perhaps you grew up in an environment where you weren't allowed to become a confident communicator. I have a couple suggestions for you. Find a close trusted friend and ask them how you come across. Maybe you aren't as bad as you think. Get some honest feedback and make some changes if you need to. And secondly, people really aren't scrutinizing you the way you might suspect they are. Most of the time people are thinking about what they might say next. Kind people don't judge other people if they make mistakes.
I used to be shy and introverted because of my dysfunctional and critical upbringing. Now I really enjoy engaging in conversation and I'm confident. Don't give up, keep practicing and try not to be hard on yourself. Focus on the message not how other people might be judging you. You might just be going through a phase.
There's an organization called Toastmasters that is for helping people speak to audiences. Maybe you could try that. It's really good you've asked for help here.
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Re: I am overthinking everything

Postby Wats » Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:12 pm

Thank you, you have given me alot of helpful insights :)

(my last comment didnt show up for some reason :O)
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Re: I am overthinking everything

Postby atina » Mon Nov 21, 2016 9:33 pm

Dear Wats:

I used to torture myself, like you, about having said the wrong thing. it is only recently that I am doing better in this regard. When I was a child, my mother punished me repeatedly for what she claimed was Wrong- something I said that was wrong or something I did that was wrong. I didn't know until recently that often I wasn't wrong. I used good logic- and she claimed I was wrong. I was honest with her and she attacked me. I was loving to her, and still she attacked me.

Nothing I said or did- or didn't do- was in-attackable, by her. Everything I said was potentially a reason to be attacked. This is why I doubted myself all these years. I lived with the anxiety about being attacked. The part of me that took after my mother attacked me repeatedly. That part projected itself into other people-so I was afraid they will attack me, like she did.

I lived in fear, in ongoing anxiety for fifty years or so. it is only recently that I am no longer that anxious. I can feel that part of me about to attack me and I disengage from it.

Because I know I wasn't wrong- I wasn't wrong. she was.

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Re: I am overthinking everything

Postby Wats » Tue Nov 22, 2016 2:01 pm

It is really crazy how our childhood has such a big impact on our lifes. And it is really hard to snap out of that identity.
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Re: I am overthinking everything

Postby atina » Tue Nov 22, 2016 6:10 pm

Dear Wats:

Our childhood has such a big impact on our lives because we are formed during childhood, aka our Formative Years. The brain grows and millions of connections between nerve cells are formed during those years. Those connections can not be undone easily and that is why we cannot "snap out of it."

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Re: I am overthinking everything

Postby DanielleP » Sun Nov 27, 2016 5:59 pm

Atina, that's an interesting explanation and I was glad to read that. Thanks for explaining that. My older sister, by one year, has always nit-picked and criticized me; things I've said and physical things about me. She had me labeled as "weird". I'm not, I had a lot of interests and pursued them. Now I see she was just "projecting" her own insecurities and self-criticism onto me because I was the most available. My mother is the narcissist and she did the same to my sister. Now I consider the source and realize that nobody else criticizes me the way she has.
Wats, I think the blocking out and freezing is normal when you're anxious. If you can ask yourself, "what's the worst that can happen if I say something stupid?" then you might be able to relax a little. Maybe someone will laugh or ask you to clarify it. No big deal!
Maybe you are actually quite intelligent and verbal. Maybe you have a creative mind and think and say things the average things most people don't. Maybe you're just really witty and have gotten reactions that you don't quite understand yet.
That would be a gift. Dull and boring people are, well, boring to me.
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Re: I am overthinking everything

Postby atina » Sun Nov 27, 2016 7:44 pm

You are welcome, DanielleP. When your sister criticized you, connections in your brain were formed at the time, and now these connections continue to do her job by criticizing you (self criticism).
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Re: I am overthinking everything

Postby dsislandman » Wed Dec 28, 2016 6:47 am

I've felt this way before and I think part of it has to do with self esteem. Do you feel confident in yourself? If you don't, do you know how to make yourself feel more confident? I think that quite often if we are feeling anxious, we make assumptions that people are projecting judgments upon ourselves. When I'm confident, I usually have more clarity on a given situation. Exercise, listening to music, and being around people I'm comfortable with help me feel more confident but it differs from person to person. I'm not a professional but I have felt the same way you are feeling. These are just my two cents. Feel free to PM me! Best of wishes.
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