My anxiety story. (Long wall of text)

Warning: this is going to be a very long, very detailed wall of text. Please keep that in mind.

I feel like I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and also mental illness specific hypochondria. My manifestation of my anxiety was last April. My best friend (now queerplatonic partner) was upset about something and I was trying to help him but my phone was acting up. Then I started to panic. A few minutes later my phone was working and when I sent him messages he wasn't responding right away. Then I panicked even more, thinking that I did something wrong or made him mad. Even after he responded and assured me I didn't do anything wrong or did anything to make him mad. It's been like that ever since then. Things got worse in October of last year. I started To get thoughts that I wanted to leave my QPP, then spiteful thoughts about people I saw at school. And it gets worse from there. When I would help clean the house and would have to carry a spray bottle of something and I'd see my dog I would think that i wanted to spray her in the face with it and it would make me nervous thinking about it. I didn't do it obviously but that's something that never occurred until last year. And then I would get overly sexual thoughts (involving my QPP) and I'd feel incredibly guilty about it. I constantly thought that my QPP didn't love me anymore or loved someone else more to the point of thinking that he was QPPs with someone else behind my back. Thinking about that kept me up all night and caused me so much distress. And now I've been getting thoughts about harming other people. Hurting my parents. Wanting to harm people I didn't like. I might not like someone but I don't want to harm them. I've thought about walking in front of a school bus while walking home sometimes but I never did it. It just scared me. I hate it so much and no matter what I do these thoughts come back and i obsess over them without end. It's gotten to the point where I can't enjoy myself.

And near the end of August this year, I made myself go into a fit of distress in panic after becoming friends with someone who has DID (dissociative identity disorder). For some reason I just would remember the posts they would make and my stomach was hurting when it happened so I thought when they said "our stomach hurts". They're part of a DID system so then I started to freak out thinking I was part of a DID system or had DID. It was horrible. I was sleep deprived and nervous. I've never expressed symptoms of DID before. I've done my research and DID manifests at childhood due to extreme trauma such as sexual abuse. And then I remembered how one of my friends thinks they have schizophrenia and remembered them saying "I talked to my parents about the voices" and then I started to think I was schizophrenic and had voices in my head even though I have no symptoms of schizophrenia or even have voices in my head. And about 2/3 weeks ago i woke up feeling really bad because I was extremely stressed out about everything that was going on (dad being deployed, anxiety regarding mental health) and I got some suicidal thoughts.I thought about harming myself or planning a suicide date. I won't do that I promise but. I just felt so bad. Last week or two weeks ago I was in distress too because of what was going on with Bella and still freaking out over my mental health. I would obsess over those thoughts I think and I would get an urge but. I would never act upon that urge. And also at school or when I woke up I thought about my friend who said they might have schizophrenia and when they once said "I talked to my parents about the voices" and then I started to think I had voices in my head whispering all day and it freaked me out even though I've never expressed symptoms of schizophrenia beforehand. I remember looking on the newsstand app and someone made an app as a network for those who have schizophrenia and I remembered reading it and the person said they got thoughts that went "they don't love you" and THEN I started to think that too even though I don't/didn't express symptoms beforehand. And that article I read was from months ago. I should also add that I woke up nervous after a dream where one of my friends made a post on twitter saying "I have conscious control over 3 emos in my head and I need to talk about it". When I freaked out when I thought I had DID I should also add it caused me so much distress that it made me so nervous I couldn't sleep. I remember being really sleep deprived and having weird dreams when the DID scare happened and it was just. Bad and I think I heard some things that weren't there but I think it was because of sleep deprivation. I've been so stressed out the entire month of September and I ended up panicking and had an identity crisis last week which I think occurred because of something that I saw which made me nervous. It sucks because before that I was comfortable with my identity. I woke up incredibly anxious today and had a dream or something while sleep deprived thinking that I identified as a "dark toned nazi" and I'm terrified. Why would I think something like that? This isn't what I want. I'm not even dark skinned. I'm not a terrible person. When the DID scare happened I was scared to look at my reflection in the mirror or take pictures of myself on my phone. And after my identity crisis I can't comfort myself by thinking of my QPP and I because it makes me panic. Everything is making me so nervous and fragile. My QPP has never dealt with this and it's so hard for him too. I kept him up late just talking about what I was nervous and it was so bad. He had work the next morning. He was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed. I was skyping with my QPP and we were talking about a person and I looked the person up on Wikipedia and it said they had gender identity disorder and seeing that made me nervous. I was sleep deprived and kept doubting memories I had as a kid thinking I had amnesia. I hate all of this so much. So much stress is piling onto me.I don't want to go deep into the identity crisis i had but that's giving me stress too, although I know to follow my feelings identity wise. But I started freaking out again when I was watching a video about Pokémon two weeks ago. The person who has DID is fictionkin with legendary Pokémon which are considered god-like or gods. The Pokémon that I had thought was "me" today was a legendary Pokémon. I then started to think I was having a "kin shift" and parts of my body started to feel weird. My lower back felt funny and I keep thinking there's a tail or something but there isn't. I mentioned the person who I know that has DID has delusions they're a type of god and I had started to THINK I was having delusions. However for some reason I was calmed? When I thought it was "me@ as if it were a comforting character but I don't know. It's stressing me out even more. I've gone to multiple forums and have gotten no responses other than one where the person said that I may have GAD but not the other things I specified. And that I am picking up on every little thing and making issues out of them. I don't know. I should also add the person who has DID is kin with Arceus, the literal Pokémon God and said they have delusions of being a god and is kin with another godlike dragon Pokémon, Reshiram. I also talked to some people I trusted about all of this and they both have mental illness. One person's mother works with those who are mentally ill and talking to them about it they thought I may have GAD, hypochondria, and/or Pure-O OCD. The other person suggested I may have generalized anxiety. PS: Bella is my dog and at the beginning of September she got hurt and I was really nervous something bad happened to her. She's okay now though.

I recently used the Crisis Text Line for advice and the people I spoke to gave me phone numbers to call. But the problem is, I cannot call them because they'll appear on the phone bill. I cannot go to a therapist because my mom refuses to take me to one. She even refuses to let me go to my school counselor. Last time I went to my school counselor, I was in 8th grade. I was discussing my intrusive thoughts to the counselor and he ended up telling my mom.

My mom was angry and said if i go to the counselor again, she will take my phone. She'll take my phone and I'll never get it back, losing all forms of communication with everyone. Two nights ago while I was talking to the crisis counselor on the crisis text line I mentioned how I got thoughts about s******. (I was retelling a shortened but detailed version of what I posted on mental health forums) But they didn't come when I was going through stress, it happened when I was on my way to New York City 2 days before school started. It was a fun trip, but I was scared because of a thought I got.

I was listening to the song Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen and since I'm an aspiring animator, I imagine little music videos to songs I listen to. So I was imagining a music video thing for Born to run. One of the lines in the song is "suicide machines". I imagined a close up of Bruce Springsteen's eye and in the reflection of his eye would be weapons like guns, tanks, and a noose. Then after seeing that I started to imagine myself being hung from the noose. I got nervous and panicked but I didn't let it mull over in my head until school started. I am now a high school freshman.

On the first day of school I saw that a kid I had a crush on last year, who pretended I didn't exist after I gave him a plush and Japanese candy on Valentine's Day weekend, is in my global studies class. I was freaking out and imagined myself texting my friend "I'm gonna off myself *kids name* is in my global class" and I thought that as a joke, it was self depreciation. Then for some reason I got a tingly feeling and then I started to feel like I was being serious. After that I kept thinking about harming myself. One example was walking up the flights of stairs in the high school. I imagined throwing myself off of it. But I didn't do it. After I started thinking like that whenever a teacher or person mentioned the future I would think "I'll be dead in the future". This happened when Bella, my dog got hurt so more stress was piled onto me.

I should also mention that my anxiety was so bad I ended up having an identity crisis. And after that I've had feelings of dysphoria and then I'd think about harming myself and that i would be happy if I died. One thought I got when I was trying to figure out my identity was that i was feeling gendervoid, but I'll only feel comfortable if I literally am a void, alluding to suicide. When my anxiety manifested I wasn't suicidal, but I remember one day in the winter time I felt really bad. I randomly thought that I would be better off dead. I felt terrible for the rest of the day after thinking that because I was scared to tell someone, whether it was my QPP or my friends. I did tell my QPP though and that was it. The crisis counselor asked if I had any planned method of s****** and I didn't know how to respond. They also asked if I considered myself s******** but I didn't know how to answer that.

When they asked if I had a planned method of suicide I mentally said "yes". I remember getting thoughts about planning a s******* date and a plan on how to do so. But if I can remember I would forget about those thoughts after being distracted from doing something in school. I've never harmed myself ever and I don't plan on doing so. I got urges but I never acted upon them. But what I'm scared is that I feel like when I had feelings of dysphoria I felt happy thinking about harming myself and offing myself. And that it was calming to me. I don't know. I get in a bad mindset all the time when I bring up the harmful thoughts I get when going to the forums sometimes and then all I can think about is self destructive and suicidal thoughts.

And when I do I get this feeling around my lips. It feels like a smile but when I look in the mirror it's just a neutral look. I don't know what that means. Now I'm thinking of harmful/suicidal thoughts and feel happy for thinking those things. I tried to enjoy myself last night because I was spending time with my sisters but I still kept thinking about it. On social media, seeing self depreciative jokes about suicide made me uncomfortable but now when I look at them they make me happy. But I still get a slight feeling of unease. I didn't harm myself and I won't harm myself.

I just don't know what's happening now. Am I suicidal? Depressed? Anxiety? The crisis counselor said it could be anxiety but after that I thought "I'm actually a suicidal person who is using anxiety as a cover" but I wasn't suicidal when my anxiety first manifested. And I promise I won't harm myself. I'm able to distract myself from those thoughts. Overall, I just feel hopeless. I can't call a number because it'll be on my phone bill. I can't go to a support group because none of them are close by and you have to pay for them.

I confide in my QPP regarding this but he's never dealt with someone, especially someone he is close to (me) who has a mental illness. So he gets overwhelmed. He doesn't know how to help. He wants to help but he doesn't know how. I feel like he isn't supportive even though he's trying so hard to be. He also has anger issues so he lashed out sometimes because the situation is overwhelming. I got no help at all from one of my close friends in real life, who is a senior at the high school I go to. She just dismissed it as "just intrusive thoughts" and I couldn't help but feel mad at her because she was of minimal help. I don't know what to do anymore.

I have links for breathing exercises and self help guides but even I don't look at them when I need to. I don't have the energy or motivation to do so. Is it because I'm depressed too? Adding onto the person who has DID that has delusions theyre a god, they have an alter that uses one/ones pronouns as if they are royalty and then I started to think that i was a god/like royalty. It's very stressful. I feel hopeless and I just want to get the help I need already.

I had the worst night ever 3 days ago. I saw something that I didn't want to see and it caused me great distress. I'm questioning my gender at the moment and am dealing with intense amounts of anxiety. The post I saw was someone's response to someone saying on mental health day "being transgender is not a mental illness" and the person responded with it saying it's stupid. I started to panic because I felt bad for seeing that. I've been told that being trans is not a mental illness and seeing that hurt me. I felt so nauseous and sick. Even worse, my QPP wasnt any help and misread everything I said. He thought I was involved in friend drama but I wasn't. He got mad at me and said i was getting upset over something that shouldn't upset me. He wasn't helping me calm down. I felt alone and helpless. He's been dealing with a lot too and he wanted space but I kept pestering him. We argued and it made me feel even worse. I felt so bad that my body was shaking. I felt dizzy. I vented to someone about it and they said that being trans is not a mental illness and tried to comfort myself enough to fall asleep repeating their words in my head. Then I started to think I had a personality split and had a member system because I imagined myself talking to my QPP about it once everything blew over and then for some reason my voice sounded robotic. Then I started to think "I'm ciara and I'm their alter and it's been bothering me since then. I should add that I've been around someone who has DID beforehand and my anxiety worsened because I started to think I had DID. Even worse one of my friends was talking about rick and morty and I realized my voice kinda sounds like Morty's so I told them and then I thought that I should change my name to Morty/Mortimer and that made me feel good. But then I started to think I was a fictive of Morty from rick and Morty. None of this has happened before and I don't know if it's because of my anxiety. Please help.

I've submitted all of those things to forums over the span of a month. The last part before this was made today. I have come forward for help from my school counselor but there's still more to be done. I feel so stressed and panicked. I need others input.

I agree, that it's a long wall of text, lol. But that's ok if you feel the need to share all this somewhere.

I can kind of understand your parents' motivation for not letting you to go to a therapist, but you could definitely make use of some help from a specialist. If you can't go to a therapist, would it be possible for you to go to a GP? You could tell your parents you have stomach pains or whatever. A good GP will be able to give you some advice on this matter, and maybe prescribe you some pills for anxiety, or antidepressants.

I can kind of relate to your struggles, it did happen to me when I was a teenager that I was just so anxious about everything that I was overthinking about stuff all the time, and then I felt like I was becoming what I was thinking about. I still have some problems of this nature, for example sometimes I just feel such a strong emphatic connection to my hamster, that I feel like I could become a hamster myself, if you understand what I mean. And I see characteristics of hamsterness in myself that other don't quite get, lol.

I have the impression that you are a tumblr-type kid, you keep throwing around those expressions like otherkin or QPP (it's the first time I encountered the latter), and what I would advise you to do would be to limit your contact with such communities. If you have identity problems, it's better to avoid people who also have identity problems, because then you might have problems stabilizing into a well-functioning adult with a stable personality. If you're financially poor, you will never become wealthy if you only hang out with other poor people. I can understand you might not appreciate this piece of advice, but I honestly think it could help you.