Im afraid of Pregnant Women and Infants

I dont how should i start but this is destroying my life. Im 21 and my mother passed away infront of my last year in the hospital and the most of the nurses taking care of her were pregnant. And the day she died there was an ugly pregnant women who put a cover over her body. The feeling that my moms life has just ended and these people can just create life and have babys like its nothing. the feeling i got that its not fair everyone has healthy parents and can start family with both parents alive and well and its kills me. Its worse now whenever i see a pregnant women all of a sudden my mood swings i feel like crying, running away, i feel like killing something or i feel really really angry and i want to explode i cannot control my emotions i hate it. I wish sometime i was much younger to not suffer with such emotions shifting so fast. i cannot even describe half of the problems this is causing me. At work whenever i see pregnant costumers i start to shake and sweat i cant even look at them in the eye. when people talk about their infants or when they say they have kids on the way and they sound so happy as they are speaking, inside i feel like im being crushed or stabbed to death. Im afraid to walk outside everyday out of fear of seeing pregnant women and newborns. and these problems will only get worse when i turn 22. I want nothing to do with pregnant women infants or fertility in general. sometimes i cannot control my emotions tears flow down my eyes in public or i get really really stressed out deep breathing, rubbing hand on my face. Im so afraid of my anxiety and fear that i have not even told a single living person and i can only feel safe discussing such things through the internet. I am willing to go deeper into this topic only if help is withing reach.

But, of course, your mother was pregnant with you, once...

Losing a parent, especially one you're close to, is rough, at any age. Been there. Most of us can't control how long we will have our parents with us, we hope for the best- and live in the knowledge that, if the world works according to plan, we will see them die, because the tragedy occurs when it's the other way around and the parent sees the child die.

It's terrible you didn't have longer with her, but I'm not sure the experience gets easier with time. I was about at the half-century mark, and my mother's passing made me feel like a lost six year old, nonetheless.

Other than the philosophical questions about what sort of world people bring children into, keep in mind that pregnancy is just part of the circle of life. If everything goes the way it's supposed to, the babies you see in mothers bellies will have to go thru the same bereavement, sooner or later. Later might help a bit, with maturity and more life experience under one's belt, but it's still not easy to lose your momma. The child in us expects momma to be here forever.