Worry over children's health ruining daily life

Hello. I am a mother of two girls, six and two, and am looking for some support. I have overwhelming health anxiety when it comes to my kids. I know that every parent worries about their children, but I think that my level of worry is not "normal".

From the second I wake up (after a terrible night's sleep, listening for them to get up or get sick) and the first thought is "what if today is the day they get sick?". I constantly watch them for any sign that they are ill. Any changes in behavior, like sleeping for longer, being more quiet or touching their ears, stomach, etc, and I start to panic. I give them kisses on the forehead under the guise of "I love you"- which I do- but I am also taking a quick check on their temperature. As soon as one says "my belly hurts" or "I feel hot", I can feel the panic level rise. Nights are the worst and I am literally constantly afraid. Even when they start a sentence "mooommmm..." I expect "I feel sick" or "my stomach hurts" to follow. A headache is an instant tumor, a sore belly is inevitable puke, a fever must be leukemia. I worry about my husband and myself as well but not nearly as much.

I see a psychiatrist regularly and have tried many, many, MANY medications. Nothing has calmed the alarm bells that are ALWAYS sounding.

Do other people have this? Have you found anything to help? I am exhausted.... Thank you so much for reading!

Dear MrsB:

Your distress is significant and I hope you will find a way to reduce your anxiety.

It would have been possible to eliminate a person's fears about loved one's health if there was a way to make sure sickness doesn't happen. Although you can do your best to minimize the chances of your children getting sick, you can not eliminate these chances. So fear is a part of the ... unfortunate reality of sickness and... guaranteed death of every single individual on the face of this earth.

A line I like from a poem I read says: "Every one of us has to find a way to live with fear."

Because danger is real.

I am in the process myself of finding a way to live with my fear, like the line from the poem suggests. There are different ways to go about it: from physical aerobic exercise, to mindful movements such as slow yoga and tai chi and certain guided meditations that instruct you to get up and perform slow, deliberate movements (this calms the mind)... to listening to calming music, walks in nature, etc., as well as avoiding certain activities that increase fear such as listening to the news on TV.. listening to anxious people who go on and on about their fears, to having contact with family members and friends who are disrespectful to us, abusive.

And there is the insight part that I am discovering. I found out that my intense fears that governed my life so far, were born in my childhood as I was repeatedly attacked by my mother, blamed and punished repeatedly while having no control, no way to stop it. Although I have no contact with her anymore, she is living in my brain as a psychic entity, still scaring me and has been for decades.

I found out that my fear, its origin, was not about danger I still face: I no longer live with my mother. I feared only yesterday for the health of a very loved one and as I think of it now, if feel heat on my face, feeling hot and uncomfortable. It is fear, but the extent and intensity of my fear has to do with my mother's treatment of me.

I don't know where this will be taking me next. Let me know if this is somewhat helpful and if you want more of my thoughts and experiences with fear.

atina

Thank you so much for replying. I too have a difficult mother who in many ways controls my life and way of thinking even though I do not live with her and am 34 with my own family. If I may ask, how did you cut ties? My psychiatrist and husband have both made that suggestion but somehow I can't bring myself to do it. I still feel like an ungrateful child who owes her for raising me. However she is mean, manipulative and destructive and it is affecting my everyday life.
I don't know if my overwhelming worry for my children is an overcompensation for her coldness... I've tried to talk to her and her response is that she was a wonderful mother and I am a b****h for even saying such a thing.
She texts me at 3am about how she hates her neighbours and how my house should be cleaner, etc. It never stops...
I digress.
So it was helpful- thank you again! I hope this finds you well.

Dear MrsB:

It was very difficult for me to cut contact with the mother - something I wanted to do decades before I finally did at 52 years old. It was very difficult before, during and after. I felt guilty, like I owed her.

But this is the horrible reality of it, MrsB- you wrote below regarding your mother "but I digress"- as if your relationship with your mother is not related to the topic of your thread here. But it is very much related.

In affect and effect, keeping your contact with your mother is hurting not only you, but it is hurting your children. Because they notice and are harmed by your anxiety. You can't hide it from them.

And so, you are feeling guilty about hurting your mother (who doesn't in practice love you) while you hurt your children who love you and need you.

I typed "horrible reality" because well, it is. The price you pay for having contact with her is horrible. And the price your children are paying is a horrible thing.

If you do cut contact with her, you will feel guilty, and you will struggle (projecting my experience)- but you are already suffering. It will be a different kind of suffering when you cut contact with her, but it will be the kind of suffering that has hope in it.

Hope because in my experience, cutting contact and then healing from much of the damage already done in contact past, made me a better person to other people and makes me calmer.

I sure hope you do cut contact with her, as was suggested to you before. But do expect healing to need to happen after cutting contact. Any time you want more of my input, please let me know and I will reply to you.

atina