Terrible anxiety when men exhibit this kind of behavior.

I hope I am posting in the right category... wasn't sure where exactly my thread would fit. Anyways, I'd like to thank everyone who takes the time out to read this in advance.

I would like to get some insight on how to deal with some issues I am currently facing. I suffer from terrible anxiety, crying spells and breakdowns when I witness men disrespecting women. This is most often in the form of hearing a man use degrading language, curse words, liking or posting inappropriate content/pictures on social media, or openly discussing sex/sexuality etc. I just can't handle it - for some reason I feel violated as a woman, I feel like their behavior is a reflection of my worth and it makes me hate myself. It's worse when a men who I respect (or respected actually) turns out to exhibit this behavior. For an example, if it's a man who I am romantically interested in, and he indulges in that kind of behavior it makes me sick. I mean I understand that as humans we all have desires, but am I wrong for thinking that men shouldn't be posting or liking this kind of material whether it's offline or online?

I know part of this is stemmed from sexual abuse that I've been subject to in the past (which I also hate myself for - may Allah forgive me) - but my anxiety is crippling me. I'm 25, and the thought of marriage or being intimate with a man gives me so much anxiety because sex to me seems like an act of a man overpowering a woman. I've gone to therapy and that hasn't helped either, because all it did was dig into my past of constant abuse. I don't know what to do. I constantly make dua that Allah protects me from these kind of men, but with every passing day I am losing hope that I will ever come across a man that actually respects women and does not indulge in this filthy behavior.

Recently, a guy I was speaking to liked something inappropriate on instagram and it made me completely shutdown and isolate myself. I didnt want to talk to him or associate with him because it gave me so much anxiety thinking about his behavior.

" I understand that as humans we all have desires, but am I wrong for thinking that men shouldn't be posting or liking this kind of material whether it's offline or online?"

I am not sure about what sort of material you are EXACTLY talking about (perhaps provide us some examples) but I do think that you are in the wrong of thinking that people should not post stuff that THEY LIKE, if its not against the law.

Truth is, I am sure that you would not feel the way you do if you haven't had those terrible experiences in your life, it seems like therapy hasn't fully worked. My advice, seek professional help with dealing with your inner problems and this kind of behavior will not cause you so much pain, if any.

Vanilla115, I think that I understand your feelings, and I know that others do as well. I'm not the best at comforting people, but I hope this post at least gives you some viable options.

Though it is not often discussed, and people try to stop any discussion, there is a definite subtext of disrespect and even downright hatred in the way many, many men speak of womyn (this is just a re-spelling of "women" that removes the "men" part). From the things they say and do regarding sex, as well as the sort of explicit material they create and consume, it is perfectly obvious that many men view sex as an act of violence and domination, and some men have even said that they view sex this way (on this forum, even). This behavior is so widespread that it's perfectly reasonable to suspect that men are thinking something similar whenever they mention sex. So your reactions to this behavior are normal and self-protective, even if they are influenced by your past abuse.

transformer seems wrong in the assumption that you would not feel this way if not for your abuse; I have not been sexually abused, yet I feel similar. Past abuse or not, degrading and predatory male behavior is a reality. Never let anyone convince you that your anxiety is all in your head or just a personal problem.

I don't have great solutions to offer. I protect myself from men's behavior (including the psychologically destructive things they tend to say) by being a separatist. I have no males in my personal life; no friends, not even my own male relatives. When I need to see a doctor, dentist, or other professional, I find one who is female (this also helps me to economically support womyn). I also avoid certain kinds of media (mainly movies) so that I don't have to listen to the actors make repulsive sexual comments or be gratuitously violent, nor watch actresses be presented as sexual objects. I don't know where in the world you live, but I hope at least some level of separatism is an option.

There are places in the world (most of them are in the U.S., as far as I know) where only females are allowed. The land is owned by womyn, and it is usually free or very low cost to visit. A visit to one such place may be very helpful to you. I am sure you would find womyn there who understand your feelings. I'd rather not give specifics because certain types of men may be reading this, but you can find information about such places online.

Third, I suggest you look into radical feminism. Radical feminism has a bad reputation, but that's mainly because men dislike it when womyn discuss, dissect, and denounce their predatory behavior. The truth is that radical feminism is an ideology about freeing females from male oppression, and, most relevant to you, includes writing about the perfectly legal, yet psychologically damaging, behavior that is distressing you. I hope that it will help you to process your feelings and perhaps feel better knowing that others understand that behavior that is legal and widely practiced isn't necessarily acceptable. Radical feminists write about the sorts of ugly things that other people avoid, so the content is difficult to find anywhere else. Of course, radical feminist thought includes disturbing material related to male violence, and you should avoid that if it will distress you.

I also have not found therapists very helpful. Therapists often adhere to and seek to maintain the status quo in society, and the status quo looks down on and even considers crazy females who distrust males, dislike their "normal" behavior, and can't ignore or deal with the constant undercurrent of misogyny they perpetuate. You would probably do well to avoid therapists in the future, except maybe if you find a feminist therapist or one who at least specialized in womyn's issues.

Trust your instincts.

sudo @pocalypse wrote:Vanilla115, I think that I understand your feelings, and I know that others do as well. I'm not the best at comforting people, but I hope this post at least gives you some viable options.

Though it is not often discussed, and people try to stop any discussion, there is a definite subtext of disrespect and even downright hatred in the way many, many men speak of womyn (this is just a re-spelling of "women" that removes the "men" part). From the things they say and do regarding sex, as well as the sort of explicit material they create and consume, it is perfectly obvious that many men view sex as an act of violence and domination, and some men have even said that they view sex this way (on this forum, even). This behavior is so widespread that it's perfectly reasonable to suspect that men are thinking something similar whenever they mention sex. So your reactions to this behavior are normal and self-protective, even if they are influenced by your past abuse.

transformer seems wrong in the assumption that you would not feel this way if not for your abuse; I have not been sexually abused, yet I feel similar. Past abuse or not, degrading and predatory male behavior is a reality. Never let anyone convince you that your anxiety is all in your head or just a personal problem.

I don't have great solutions to offer. I protect myself from men's behavior (including the psychologically destructive things they tend to say) by being a separatist. I have no males in my personal life; no friends, not even my own male relatives. When I need to see a doctor, dentist, or other professional, I find one who is female (this also helps me to economically support womyn). I also avoid certain kinds of media (mainly movies) so that I don't have to listen to the actors make repulsive sexual comments or be gratuitously violent, nor watch actresses be presented as sexual objects. I don't know where in the world you live, but I hope at least some level of separatism is an option.

There are places in the world (most of them are in the U.S., as far as I know) where only females are allowed. The land is owned by womyn, and it is usually free or very low cost to visit. A visit to one such place may be very helpful to you. I am sure you would find womyn there who understand your feelings. I'd rather not give specifics because certain types of men may be reading this, but you can find information about such places online.

Third, I suggest you look into radical feminism. Radical feminism has a bad reputation, but that's mainly because men dislike it when womyn discuss, dissect, and denounce their predatory behavior. The truth is that radical feminism is an ideology about freeing females from male oppression, and, most relevant to you, includes writing about the perfectly legal, yet psychologically damaging, behavior that is distressing you. I hope that it will help you to process your feelings and perhaps feel better knowing that others understand that behavior that is legal and widely practiced isn't necessarily acceptable. Radical feminists write about the sorts of ugly things that other people avoid, so the content is difficult to find anywhere else. Of course, radical feminist thought includes disturbing material related to male violence, and you should avoid that if it will distress you.

I also have not found therapists very helpful. Therapists often adhere to and seek to maintain the status quo in society, and the status quo looks down on and even considers crazy females who distrust males, dislike their "normal" behavior, and can't ignore or deal with the constant undercurrent of misogyny they perpetuate. You would probably do well to avoid therapists in the future, except maybe if you find a feminist therapist or one who at least specialized in womyn's issues.

Trust your instincts.

Wow! What a refreshing post. I am so glad that someone understands me and feels similar! Thank you so much for taking out the time to write all this. I, like you, also cannot and do not watch movies for the very same reason - and am highly considering your separist approach to life. Although, apart from my father & brother, I also have one other male in my life that I trust and do not perceive as a threat. Moving forward, I would like to keep things the same way - as I would also prefer participating in minimal interaction with men. I am wondering how you feel though emotionally and mentally by pursuing a life of this sort? I would be really interested in getting to know more about you and your viewpoints on things! Please let me know if I can PM you.