Constantly embarressed

Anybody ever just feel embarressed about your entire existance? Sometimes I feel like everything about me sucks. From the way I laugh to my ideas and things I say. I will relive these experiences over and over in my head for years. Seriously years. My heart drops and I feel like such a fool. And I don't even know who the hell I'm embarressed in front of. Myself? It's the weirdest thing.
After any social interaction I have, I go over everything word for word in my head that I said. I eventually find something that I said that was stupid and bug out about it for long periods of time. I don't get it, because I really don't care what other people think of me deep down inside. You think maybe I am just still conditioned from being teased as a kid? I don't know. It's sort of compulsive thinking. Because I get this physical burst of anxiety first and this is when I feel that I need to delve back into the past to find something to get myself worked up. I know this probably makes no sense as it is really hard to explain.
So it's weird. Normally, with my OCD, intrusive thoughts get me anxious. But this is much different. I get the anxiety initially and feel compelled to find something to make it real. But then once I find something it isn't over. I bug out about that for hours. Oh, I drive myself insane.

aimdog wrote:Anybody ever just feel embarressed about your entire existance? Sometimes I feel like everything about me sucks. From the way I laugh to my ideas and things I say. I will relive these experiences over and over in my head for years. Seriously years. My heart drops and I feel like such a fool. And I don't even know who the hell I'm embarressed in front of. Myself? It's the weirdest thing.
After any social interaction I have, I go over everything word for word in my head that I said. I eventually find something that I said that was stupid and bug out about it for long periods of time. I don't get it, because I really don't care what other people think of me deep down inside. You think maybe I am just still conditioned from being teased as a kid? I don't know. It's sort of compulsive thinking. Because I get this physical burst of anxiety first and this is when I feel that I need to delve back into the past to find something to get myself worked up. I know this probably makes no sense as it is really hard to explain.
So it's weird. Normally, with my OCD, intrusive thoughts get me anxious. But this is much different. I get the anxiety initially and feel compelled to find something to make it real. But then once I find something it isn't over. I bug out about that for hours. Oh, I drive myself insane.

aimdog,
I asure you, that you do not suck. You add to the forum and have many bright ideas. You are a caring person, and should be proud of yourself, ocd sucks the life out of people sometimes. It is just not fair. Why cant ocd about positive thoughts?
Hun, you are truly unique person. Mental illness can really rob us of our lives.
Fight not to drive yourself insane.

Hugs,
red

I'm sorry you are feeling this way Amy...

I myself have thought about that too, I'm can get embarressed by me at times, thinking back to all the things I never got done etc.

You definatly do not suck, You are great at replying to peoples posts and giving out support, sometimes we just have our bad days, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

After any social interaction I have, I go over everything word for word in my head that I said. I eventually find something that I said that was stupid and bug out about it for long periods of time. I don't get it, because I really don't care what other people think of me deep down inside. You think maybe I am just still conditioned from being teased as a kid? I don't know. It's sort of compulsive thinking. Because I get this physical burst of anxiety first and this is when I feel that I need to delve back into the past to find something to get myself worked up. I know this probably makes no sense as it is really hard to explain.

Hey, it makes plenty of sense! I do it all the time, every single thing I say I replay over and over in my head. I even do it months after it's happened.. I used to replay all the conversations with my ex-crush over and over to make sure I sounded sufficiently impressive... didn't work. But I couldn't stop.

I think it's likely you're still conditioned. I got bullied in primary school to no end because I was a smart kid, and even though people's opinions of me don't matter that much to me, I still replay my social interactions.

As SadGurl said, you mos def don't suck! And tomorrow's a whole new day.
In the words of Annie...
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

Thanx guys,
Today is a little better. Maybe because the sun is shining and I don't have anybody that I am obligated to socialize with for a while. Ya know? I get myself all worked up when I have one of those coming up. Tuesday I went to this fancy shmancy restaurant. Oh my god I felt so damn akward. I'm not the fancy shmancy type. So I really felt all uncomfortable as it was. But then with the social anxiety, I probably looked like a deer in headlights the whole night I work myself up too much. I start stuttering over my own words and I sound unintelligent. Oh, and then I worry if I am innappropriate. Like if I talk about too many taboo or deep subjects. I'm uncomfortable with small talk (not you red ). I just can't do it right.
I'm weird and I know I'm weird. I wish I could just be weird and be none the wiser. I worry that people can tell that there is something wrong with me. That I do not want! I'm ashamed. And then I'm ashamed of being ashamed. Like I'm letting my fellow OCDers and just all people with mental illness down by not being more open about it. I'm weak. I get too overwhelmed.
Oh by the way, nice to meet you Red. You seem like a sweety and I'm glad you've joined us. Sadgurl, I agree with Jazzy You do not Suck. You can't dwell on the things you haven't done in the past. You do so much here and now. You have a great big heart that has a whole lot of giving to do. Be proud of that. You're a strong woman who has been through alot. And you still manage to take the time to help people here and the site. Thats awesome. And little Jazzy, I hate to hear that you go through what I do in your noodle. Oh man it's torture. I'm glad you're now referring to this guy as your ex-crush now. It shows that you are definately done with putting up with his crap! Good for you! I don't know what the whole replaying thing is about. Maybe it does stem from childhood. I got picked on alot until I was about 14. I guess I was a little nerdy. But mostly they picked on me because I looked really different. I had every racial slur thrown at me in the book. It was frustrating and it was painful and I think that may have something to do with the social anxiety that I experience now. Of course I'm over that. But maybe my way of thinking has still remained. I don't know. I just got insurance so I'll be glad to get back into some therapy and hopefully work through these things.
Thank you so much for listening and taking the time to respond. You really made me feel so much better guys. Thanks.
xxx
Amy
Ps. thanks for the little ditty Jazz

I stutter as well when i'm not too sure, I hate it, and it is embarressing because you think everyone is noticing it, I also say things that don't make sense, not sure why, but it's nerves.

Me and my family went into a returant (i forget where) that was white table cloth etc in jeans and tanks etc... lol everyone else was all dressed nice, the waiters were in tux's etc.


I think alot of people worry that they see how you are feeling on the inside, but chances are they can't. I used to worry about that every time I felt panicky feeling really crappy and on the verge of running away, but on the outside I just look completely normal.

I don't think you're weak, and we all can get over-whelmed with things, where we have to step back and collect ourselves.

I know I don't always suck lol, I have low self-esteem, and I don't have alot of education, and the anxiety has stopped alot of things in terms of career etc, I don't do what many "normal" people do. They have cars, great jobs, money etc, I have my sites, no money, but a roof over my head.

I know it's not good to dwell on the past, but when you feel low it's hard not to think of the things you didn't do or couldn't avoid.


I'm glad you are doing better today.

I know I don't always suck lol, I have low self-esteem, and I don't have alot of education, and the anxiety has stopped alot of things in terms of career etc, I don't do what many "normal" people do. They have cars, great jobs, money etc, I have my sites, no money, but a roof over my head.

I know it's not good to dwell on the past, but when you feel low it's hard not to think of the things you didn't do or couldn't avoid.

I'm in the same boat as you. I didn't even graduate highschool. I just recently got my GED. My car is sitting out in my driveway with two flats and The exhaust has a massive hole in it and it has an expired inspection sticker on it. I lost my liscense a year ago and still haven't renewed it. I'm a bum!
As for careers ... pfffffft! I have burned all of my bridges. I have left every single job that I have ever had without notice. yep, just up and split.
But, I still don't feel that it is too late. Do you? Well sometimes I do and that really gets me bummed out. But then other times I feel like having a great job really doesn't matter all that much. The money certainly doesn't matter to me. I would like to do something that means something. But you do. Like you said, you have these sites. And I'm sure you have helped more people than you know on these sites. And when you really think about it, isn't that all that matters? Because I mean you can have an awesome job and money hanging out of your you know what . what are you really doing with and for that money? Ya know? I think that you are probably more of an asset to the world then say some executive or banker or celebrity. You're contributing to the "whole" if you get me.
I know it's so much easier to just say "don't dwell on the past" than to actually take the advice. I didn't mean it in an all knowing way or anything. I should take my own advice. I kick my self in the ass all the time for the things that I could have done for the things I could have said. For what I could have done to have avoided this and that and the list goes on. But I can't. I only have now. And who knows if I even have next year or two minutes from now. So I just try to stay in the now. Even though I compulsively want to delve into the past and get all riled up. And sometimes I do. Like recently I have been. But I try to talk myself out of it by using the rationale that I just described. I try to "be" there for every moment. Because when you really think about if you're constantly stressing and thinking about the past and future When do you ever actually get to be and live?
lol, Now I'm probably sounding nuts. But this does help me sometimes to think this way. Nothing else really does matter but right now. I mean think about it. There really never is a time that is not now. Ok that sounds weird, but really really think about it.
Anyways, for a woman who says she is uneducated, you seem to have intelligence naturally. Thats something to be proud of. Rather than just regurgitating information that you have learned, you have real life knowledge. Which is pretty damn commendable in my book!

I also feel embaressed about everything in my life. Whatever i do or say i always feel shame.I cannot escape it. I just feel so ashamed about who i am!

I find when I reread a post or 'second guess ' myself, I can feel bad.
But if I dont reread, and I know that whatever I say at the time is the best I can do, well then I dont have a negative implacation towards myself, this is true for me, with every day life too. The less thought or power or energy or ruminating, or worrying then the better I feel about me. So I have less anxiety. I will do a handstand to get rid of anxiety....

Red

SmallTalkRed wrote: I will do a handstand to get rid of anxiety....

Red

if doing a handstand seriously does work for you, please tell me how the hell you do it??? i'm getting desperate here at trying to 'calm' myself down when i get anxiety attacks now practically every single night. my heart beats awkwardly and i can feel it feels funny in my chest (adds to the anxiety when it feels like my heart is gona stop pumping meaning no oxygen meaning i can't breath). taking extreme slow deep breaths don't work anymore. trying to exercise or work out, ~~~~ eh. thats only temporary and as soon as i'm done, BOOM, its back. oh and uh, keep in mind, i probably don't have ANY strength to hold my weight up on my hands (i so wish i could do a self liposuction)