Very overwhelmed, is this just anxiety?

Hello, I'm new to Psychforums, though I've been scoping it out for some time now.
I joined this hoping someone can help give advice, or that I can find someone to relate to?
It would just be a huge relief to talk to someone who shared my symptoms and could help me instead of feeling like I'm going crazy.


To start off, I've been struggling with a ton Of confusion and basic feelings of being lost when it comes to mental health. Over the past year, I've been regressing back to depression-like symptoms, for no real reason. I have experienced psychosis-like symptoms I guess. I see black shadows, some are like creatures, noises that "aren't real" like tapping or scratching in my walls or furniture. I used to think my room had mice. We now know that is not the case. I feel cramped and almost like I'm trapped in my head behind a wall of glass, and this induces anxiety for me.

Lately, along with a rash of what my mother has confirmed to be pretty bad anxiety/panic attacks (she has bad anxiety that often leads to her trapping herself in the house, too afraid to go out and do anything) , I have been experiencing more of these visions, and it's progressed so far as to feel things touching me or poking. I thought it was restless leg syndrome or something to do with my ADD or sensory issues. I can confirm that most of my anxiety attacks are fueled over the edge by these symptoms, as well as what feels like too much noise in my head. To put it all in a nutshell, I have been feeling very paranoid and my panic attacks have shot through the roof.

I don't know if this is what "normal" anxiety experiences are like. That's why I came here. I am not brave enough to tell my parents, since they would
A) not believe me and get mad or
B) say I'm doing it for attention to get even with my little brother. He has bad OCD, Tourette's Plus, really bad sensory issues, as well as R.A.G.E.

I've convinced myself my brain only wants attention, as my parents have said, and is taking advantage of my imagination to create these things. In a way, I feel that I can't claim that something is wrong with me because then I'm only trying to be the baby of the family like my brother. It often feels like maybe it's all my brain trying pretend it has a mental illness of some sort so that I am like my brother.
I wasn't sure if I should put this in Dissociative, or anxiety, since I often live inside my head, and let "someone else" take over when I'm in a situation that could cause anxiety. I'm still not sure if this is normal way to cope with anxiety, especially if I lose time and the "person" who takes over for me in these anxiety situations is male while I am female. I just wanted to see if this is like what other anxiety-sufferers experience. I'm also not sure if this would count as an alter, as there are at least 4,(all male,) and have a strong say in what I do.

I would greatly appreciate if anyone could tell me what they think! It's all a mess, and my grades are the worst I've ever seen. My friendships are being torn apart, and I no longer trust or can stand to be near people I used to all my best friends. The stress is hurting me mentally and physically, I have trouble eating anything more than meals smaller than my fist.
I can provide further explanation as to what gave rise to these symptoms if it can help. Thank you in advance to anyone who has an idea of what this could be. Also, sorry for the very long post...

Dear fractured_Storm:

You wrote that your mother suffers from extreme anxiety- this is not something a child can possibly not pay attention to. It is very scary for a child to have a mother who is out of control, distressed, not calm. A child needs a feeling of safety and cannot get that safety with a parent or parents that are often distressed.

You also wrote that you are afraid to talk to your parents because they will
"A) not believe me and get mad or
B) say I'm doing it for attention to get even with my little brother. He has bad OCD, Tourette's Plu..."

Your little brother is NOT having tourette's and OCD so to get attention! I had both since I was five. It has been so painful and so distressing! It was NOT a way I tried to get attention!

I had Tourette's and OCD because I was overwhelmed with fear, because my mother repeatedly lost control with scary demonstrations that included threats that she was going to kill herself, or me.

I was so scared, that my body could not contain that fear so the fear found a way to release itself by tics (tourette's) and my brain tried to resolve the fear by obsessing (OCD).

For your mother or both parents to suggest you are trying to get attention is false. Them not believing you and getting angry at you for feeling scared is abusive,

You are suffering from fear produced by abusive or severely inadequate parenting, is my input. I am so sorry. I do hope you look for and find good psychotherapy and relationships outside those with your parents.

So sorry. But there is hope, in healing in the context of a healing relationship with a good psychotherapist and/ or with reasonable people.

atina

First off, thank you Atina so much for replying.
I greatly appreciate you offering your views and knowledge on the subject.
Before I continue, I'd like to clear up something if it came off as rude. When you said "Your little brother is NOT having tourette's and OCD so to get attention! I had both since I was five. It has been so painful and so distressing! It was NOT a way I tried to get attention!"
I didn't mean it like that and I am truly sorry if it came off as me saying he was trying to get attention through his fits! I understand he is truly distressed and feels scared often times when he is incapable of moving, is ticking, etc.

I appreciate your message, it definitely offered some hope, but I'm still very conflicted.

Many of these things typically stem from abuse in early childhood.
The only thing that would really qualify as "abuse" that I can think of was my brothers R.A.G.E. And OCD fits when I was little. He was around 5, I was 8. This was before we knew he had any sort of disorder. Which makes sense why he would lash out, he was young and probably scared/angry since we as well as he didn't know what was going on. But he would have these fits and sometimes get violent verbally and physically. At one point he kicked down my door and I had to physically restrain him in a police-style knee to the neck hold cause I was afraid of what he would do to me. It has stuck with me though it happened years ago. It has been resolved, though he does regress and have violent fits though they are no longer physically carried out. I appreciate his power of self control for a 12 year old going through this.
I have a friend who's mother was an abusive alcoholic, and was most definitely physically and emotionally abused. That's kind of why I feel like I can't possible claim to have gone through the same pain as she or my brother did. I hope that made sense, I have trouble wording things correctly

I'm trying to get back in touch with the nice psychologist I visited when my parents were getting me tested for ADD. So hopefully I can talk to him. Is there anything I should know going in to this, if you have experience with consulting psychologists/therapists about this kind of thing? I'm nervous I'll tell him the crazy things going on and sound like I'm just grappling for attention or recognition, or I'll sound completely crazy. I've never liked being the centre of attention and have always been shy.
Again thank you for offering your input.

Dear Fractured_Storm:

I didn't think at all that you were rude and you weren't! The anger I felt as I read your post and replied was anger toward your parents who told you that your brother and/ or you are having problems as a way to get attention. I was also angry at them (mother, father or both) for getting angry at you for having problems, invalidating you and blaming you. My anger was at your parents, not at you!

I think you suffered very much and your symptoms indicate how much you suffered! I wouldn't minimize your suffering by comparing your case to someone else because there is such complexity of issues in anyone's childhood that comparison is most difficult. What i did notice clearly is that your parents are not good parents and i blame them for your problems as well as your brother.

Regarding therapy, it is difficult to find a competent, caring, hard working and dedicated psychotherapist and I do hope you find one. My first and only good therapist was five years ago: first session was free. Following a few sessions he gave me a document with diagnoses, goals and treatment plan. Very professional. He specialized in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness. He gave me printed material and taught me concepts (psycho-education), gave me homework every session, often by email following a session. He didn't charge me for his time in between sessions (emails and phone calls) plus he didn't stop the sessions after 50 minutes or so. if he didn't have a patient after me, he went on and on. And he really cared. I know because he was so generous with his time, energy and knowledge. He shared with me everything he knew that he thought could be helpful.

I am so sorry your parents are and have been inadequate and abusive, at least at times (nobody is abusive all the time). Please do post again if you want any more input by me.

atina

This was very helpful, especially the detail about the psychotherapists and what to look for! That kinda boosted my confidence in trying one, since I have always had not so positive feelings towards doctors of any kind. Hopefully I have a positive experience like you described. That sounds really cool.

Also, one more thing I'd like to ask:
Is this reaction: dissociation, hearing and seeing things that aren't real, and developing "helpers" that can run "Me" during times I'm incapable of functioning on my own as a result of anxiety, are these reactions "normal" for Anxiety?
That's kind of a silly question, since I know there is no "normal" reaction to anxiety, everyone has their own case and way of coping. But maybe if this is typical or if it could be something else? (I'm just wondering if you have any thoughts. Or maybe if I should refer to another forum?)

Dear Fractured_Storm:

Dissociation is very normal. People dissociate daily. Whenever a person "spaces out", stop noticing what is going on, as if in a dream, that is dissociation. often people space out, or dissociate when driving, not realizing how they got to their destination, not remembering the way there.

When afraid, dissociation is the first line of defense, i think. Feeling too much fear, dissociate: this way you separate yourself from the fear. I remember when my mother threatened suicide and left the apt to kill herself (so she said) and I was five or so, I went out of the apt into the night looking for her dead body. I remember the strange feeling of... not being afraid, of feeling pleasant, some sort of calm and pleasure, thinking I was an actress in a movie. I saw myself from above, as if I was playing in a movie. This is dissociation. It is a very normal, common defense mechanism when overwhelmed with fear.

As far as seeing and feeling things that aren't there, I had some of those sensations and I don't know much about them. One night, I was still a child or a teenager, I was absolutely sure that I was lying awake and a cat walked all over me. I didn't move. I remember I noticed I was not asleep and I was not dreaming. I remember the cat walking on my body slowly. To this day, i remember it... although I never had a cat. I also remember that I flew, not in an airplane but just me, flying across the sky. It seemed so real. Now this one I don't believe but for a long time it seemed so real.

There were also times when I looked at my body and my arm looked so far away and the distances between things were off.


And I never developed psychosis, nothing beyond what I described.

It is all anxiety, says I.

I hope this is of some help. Do post here anytime (I get notices on my email account when there is a post on this thread. If you post on another forum I will not know, as I don't check much)

atina