Do I have GAD?

Hello.

I'm a 24 year old male who has recently begun believing that I have GAD. Most of the time, I was able to put my anxiety at bay, only having bouts of insomnia when it was at it's worst. But I recently got into a relationship and it seems as if symptoms of anxiety are spiking, especially when she feels doubtful about us. Recently, she said that she wasn't sure if she could continue being in the relationship, but quickly recanted it, saying that she didn't want to leave me and we are still together. Even so, it feels like there's a permanent knot in my stomach, and it's hard for me to focus on other things. I've noticed that I've had a similar, although not quite as strong, reaction to previous relationships if I ever worried about them cheating or whatnot. I also seem to fixate on certain things, especially when it comes to criticism or things I may have done wrong. Based on these things, would you say there's a good chance I have GAD? My direct family has a history with other mental illnesses, so I do have a predisposition. I am unfortunately not in a circumstance where I can get a doctor's or psychologists opinion. Thanks in advance.

Dear OverAnalyzer:

I think you are afraid to be left by your girlfriend. I think being human in itself is a predisposition for anxiety. Growing up with parents who either scare us repeatedly or do not comfort us when we are afraid often flare that inherent predisposition.

Would you like to share about your parent or parents either scaring you repeatedly and/or leaving you alone, un-comforted when you were afraid?

atina

Thanks for responding.

Actually, I have quite a history in regards to that. My father had schizophrenia, and passed away when I was 13. My mother has manic depressive disorder, would constantly visit the hospital for treatment, and even tried to commit suicide three times after my father passed. During two of those attempts, I was left alone to deal with things by myself, once at 13 and once at 16, where I lived on my own for a year. So, I would definitely say that abandonment was a pretty big issue with my upbringing. It's not that they weren't supportive, they did the best they could.

If it is connected to my parents, is there any suggestions to try and remedy the situation? I'm usually a sensible person and am able to understand that things pass, even relationships. But I just have a lingering anxiety of being abandoned even when things are seemingly alright.

Dear OverAnalyzer:

I think, from reading these short posts, that you did very well considering what you went through. I am quite impressed. Of course, it is impossible to not be affected, injured some by such a childhood.

They did their best, you wrote. That very well may have been so, but their best was not good enough to not leave your brain unaffected, with anxiety lingering, making current separation feel worse than it would otherwise.

You do not get a new brain as a birthday gift when you turn 18 or 21, it is still the same brain, formed with the childhood experiences in it, formed around those experiences... the best it could. So of course, the past is in your very brain. Of course what you experience now is connected with what you experienced then.

Maybe through good psychotherapy ... or otherwise, if you SEE or acknowledge the past operating in your present, then every time you are afraid, you will be able to separate the part of your fear that is about the past, staying home alone when your mother was in the hospital and your father dead, and the fear that is about the present circumstance. Once you place part of your current fear in the past, it will stay there, and your current fear will not be as great.

I can hardly imagine such a process can happen without good psychotherapy. But maybe if you have a good friend, or even here... it can push the process along in the right direction. What do you think?

atina

Dear atina,

Your kind remarks and consideration is truly greatly appreciated. Thank you for being so thoughtful.

I've actually been to some psychotherapy before about these issues, and I honestly didn't think that my anxiety was too bad until recently. I've told my girlfriend that I have abandonment issues, and she understands and still seemingly accepts me despite it. And even she has admitted to having anxiety issues herself, so we actually have some empathetic common ground on that issue. But she's also been with guys who have treated her poorly in the past, and she says I'm the first one to treat her well, which she isn't used to. Now, obviously, that sounds nice on paper, but it's a transition for her to go from receiving little to know affection, to receiving a fair amount from me. And that somewhat sucks, because I thought I was doing a good thing by giving her an amount of affection which she deserves, but she apparently thinks it's a bit much; smothering if you will. I've toned it down, but ever since she told me that, I've got this awful feeling of losing her and/or putting my guard up and distancing my emotions from her, the same kind of coping mechanism I enlisted when I was younger.

It just sucks, because she tells me there's nothing to worry about, and yet I still do, and part of me fears that that will be one of the issues that could end us. It's irrational, and I understand that from a logical standpoint, but I can't seem to get myself there emotionally. She's a great person, and while we haven't been together for too terribly long, I do feel a strong connection towards her.

In regards to receiving psychotherapy now, I unfortunately don't live in the same place every week, due to the nature of my job, which is why I'm turning to this forum, I suppose. I've reached out to a couple of friends, but they aren't experts at dealing with it, plus they have their own lives to lead, so I don't want to bother them too much.

I just don't know. I know that these issues are likely buried in my subconscious somewhere, and are coming out in a very conscious way. Even so, I'm not entirely sure how to deal with them effectively without a fair amount of anxiety.

Dear OverAnalyzer:

How to deal with the issue of fear, ongoing fear not following real and imminent danger, that is? You THINK, over analyze, as your user name indicates in efforts to resolve the fear, to make it go away. If you solve The Problem, the fear will go away, is the logic behind over analyzing and obsessing, thinking... too much.

What to do? A combination of correct thinking and relaxing. When anxious, when under ... the influence of strong emotions, our thinking is foggy, muddled. Not a good time to think. We tend to over think when distressed in efforts to resolve the distress, but can't think clearly when distressed.

So when you are distressed, find an okay way to calm down, hot bath, exercise...music, meditation, yoga, Tai Chi (slow movements)- don't give in to the tendency to think, think, think but relax. Think later when you are calm and then thinking can be good enough.

This very thinking: to NOT think of solutions when distressed but calm down first is the kind of good thinking. Think you must, but choose the thinking. Like a personal manager of your own brain... use it wisely.

As to your girlfriend, if she didn't get affection as a child and is not used to it since then, it means she adapted to not getting it by ... not needing it, even rejecting it. That way she reduced her own distress when a child, not getting it-> not needing it. This can change only gradually as she relaxes enough in the relationship with you.

In other words, CALM is the magic word for both of you, keep calm. Distress- you regress. Calm- you can proceed and move toward more affection, more safety.

It is the rushing into solving problems that keep people trapped.

Post anytime.

atina