always tread upon

Too many people have walked all over me and i’m realizing now that it’s because I let them. i’ve been too passive too nonconfrontational too afraid to make a scene and point out that listen #####& you’re being a piece of $#%^. maybe it’s because it’s always been the safest option to stay quiet and hope things pass? i dont know yet.

I think it stems from the abuse i went through as a child. When my dad was in a good mood he would be kind and caring but he was nasty when he was upset, and he got upset very often. Whenever he was home, i would spend every minute conscious of my actions and speech, making sure everything was agreeable to my dad so as not to upset him. When he got upset he would scream at and beat me. I wasn't allowed to look up. He particularly liked it when I acted like his servant, asking him if there's anything he wants to eat, drink, back massage, whatever. I think he confused my self-preserving servility with love.

And this servility helped me survive, but now it's ruining my life and it's got to go. However, it's become an old habit on its own and now im trying to kill it to no avail.

People find it easy (and tempting) to $#%^ on me. They always have. I'm too passive and weak to defend myself and I've survived so far by the pure goodwill of people who, by some personal creed, abstain from putting others down. Before college i swore it would be different this time, that i wouldn’t let people disrespect me. but people did end up disrespecting me and i did nothing to stop them.

whenever someone made remarks that hurt or offended me, despite wanting to sock them in the mouth, i would still be nice to them and try to build a relationship. being nice to my enemies, that’s some biblical #######4. but the truth is i was being a pussy. i was desperate for friends and i didn’t want to get on anyone’s bad side so i tolerated everything. I found out there’s a name for it today and it’s called the Uncle Tom Syndrome. wikipedia says it’s “a coping skill where individuals use passivity and submissiveness when confronted with a threat, leading to subservient behaviour and appeasement, while concealing their true thoughts and feelings.”

And I know at the end i'm going to be ###$ over no matter what but i trust people easily, thinking (although this guy just made fun of me) maybe this guy won't be as much of a dick. Maybe he's actually nice, maybe he'll actually be a decent ######6 person to me for once! I'm naive like that.

Whatever relationship that started off like that, with them being the asshole and me accepting everything, it could never be a healthy relationship. It was skewed from the beginning, them being on the top with all the power, and me at the bottom taking it all in the ass.

I can think of everything logically. I know I'm this way because of my dad (I don't blame him. In fact i should've learned to be shrewd instead of this bumbling ###$ mess of a person I am). I know what I need to do: I should get over my childhood and stop being passive, I should call people out on their #######4, I should have some ######6 respect for myself. But here's the thing: whenever i try any of these, i'll fail miserably. People don't expect me to be assertive and self assured. They'll look at me with wide eyes and their gazes sting me and i'll get red. I'll get a huge adrenaline rush and i'll start shaking and tearing up and i'll end up being laughed at. It physically taxes me to even go outside nowadays. I'm angry at myself and I can't go outside without feeling everyone's gaze on me and it's killing me. I wish I hadn't been born. Why is it me? I want to kill myself, I've tried to kill myself many many times unsuccessfully. I'm a failure even at killing myself and i can tell when people look at me they're thinking “this guy is disgusting. Look at him. Look how short, how ugly, how unconfident, how small, look how much of a vermin this guy is. He will never amount to anything, he is a leech to society, he can't possibly achieve anything worthwhile. There are taller handsomer more intelligent more confident there are better men out there who will contribute magnitudes more than this worm. He should be killed so that he stop offending my eyes and ease this nausea.”

And I agree with them. I disgust myself and logically I know i will never be happy until i'm content with myself but how can i be content with myself when i'm nothing more than human detritus?

Please help me. I'm not suicidal. I want to live. I just don't want to live like this any longer.

You could start doing psychotherapy.

Or theather.

creative_nothing wrote:You could start doing psychotherapy.

Or theather.

please don't get sarcastic with me. i'm reaching out for help. i'm sorry if i was being too dramatic but it's everything i've bottled up in the last few years. this is really important to me i haven't told this to anyone else and it hurts when you trivialize my problems like that.

Sorry, I was not being sarcastic.

I really think you would benefit from psychotherapy.

And I also think you would benefit from activities like theather.

creative_nothing wrote:Sorry, I was not being sarcastic.

I really think you would benefit from psychotherapy.

And I also think you would benefit from activities like theather.

I'm sorry I didn't realize that. God that embarrasses me so much. I've done free therapy sessions at my university's mental health centre but all they told me was "think positive" which didn't really help. Why do you say theatre might be good for me?

Because it allows you to express emotions. I guess other activities such as dance may help as well.

There are many kind of therapies, psychodrama I guess is what is more targeted at dealing with situations.

Anyway, from personal experience I only know psychodrama and behavioural. I am doing behavioural now.