Need some advice - First post on here!

Ok so I just spent about 2 hours typing up my history with anxiety on here and when I clicked preview I had to re-log in and lost a TON of information, so I will go ahead and try to type it up again in a shorter fashion.

First off, I want to say thanks for viewing my post, I am happy I found a community that is dedicated to helping and supporting people who also have issues with anxiety. Please feel free to respond honestly and openly to my post because I need advice.

To start, my name is John and I am a 21 year old university student from Texas. I began having issues with anxiety when I was about 6 years old when I would wake my parents up in the middle of the night because I was scared of the dark and of being alone. This continued to the point where my parents put a lock on their door because it was disrupting their sleep on a regular basis. My sleep and nightmare issues continued for a couple years until I was about 8 when my parents bought a dog to help me feel comfortable in my sleep. I also recall having a nightmare on the occasion where I would be on a giant guitar where the strings would be tightened til they broke, which is when I would wake up in a panic. I should say that I had a very normal childhood, and I excelled in school, with friends and in athletics. These experiences I had waking up my mom at night are the first true signs of anxiety that I can recount, and they didn't really seem important until my parents made note of it when we were discussing my anxiety recently. I should also add that my mother is a Nurse Practitioner specialized in mental health and family counseling and she has had much insight on my anxiety.

Between the age of 8 and 12 I do not remember having any anxiety issues, as a matter of fact I was a very like-able and energetic person without too many worries in the world. I even was placed in my grade schools enrichment program for gifted students who exhibit excessive creativity as a result of my creative writing skills. I was a popular kid that parents, teachers and my friends enjoyed and I really do not feel like I had any problems.

My issues began when I was about 13 years old in the 7th grade when my mom broke some news that ended up becoming a problem for me. She told me one day that her brother who I had previously believed to have died from cancer had in fact died from AIDS, and was a homosexual. This news at first didnt concern me at all, but one day in class I had what I now believe to have been a panic attack spurring from me thinking that homosexuality might be genetic, and that I might be gay. The problem is, I had always been attracted to girls, and from a young age I remember hiding SI swimsuit magazines under my bed and being extremely attracted to girl as puberty began to hit. I specifically remember being in class every day with my friends talking about the glimpses we had up girls skirts or how we could see through their shirt on that day. While I was so attracted to girls, and had no attraction in the slightest to boys, I still had this looming idea in my head that I might be gay.

I would think about it on a day to day basis, and it definitely made me feel disassociated to a certain extent to what was going on around me. I was so anxious, and while I seemed normal and carried out day to day life like anybody else, I had this dreadful feeling inside that I was gay and would never have a family or kids because of it. I know this was irrational thinking because I had only ever thought about being with girls, and girls really turned me on especially as I went through puberty. In the eighth grade these thoughts continued, and while I had a girlfriend and was so physically drawn to girls, I still had racing and irrational thoughts very often about my sexuality. Eighth grade was also a stressful time for me because I was applying to private high schools in the area, and I also began taking Vyvance for my ADD which made me think even more about this issue.

I managed to get into my favorite high school on a probationary admission that required me to attend summer school. Over this time, I continued to experience the racing thoughts about whether I was gay or not, and the vyvance took a turn for the worst when I began to become depressed. I remember feeling hopeless and alienated because I had these overbearing thoughts. I told my mom about them and she had me lower and eventually stop my dose of the ADD medicine. I remember being in bed at night having racing thoughts and feeling an emptiness inside because I was obsessing over something so irrational. My mom and dad helped comfort me when I would get down at home, and they were always very supportive of me.

Freshman year of high school for me was a mess. While I would consider myself to have been a part of the popular crowd and participated in baseball and boy scouts, my depression and racing thoughts continued and peaked one night when I tried marijuana for the first time with a couple friends. I remember taking a few hits, and all of a sudden being thrown into a panic thinking I was going to die. I finally fell asleep that night but felt really foggy and down in the morning. After this occurrence, I began to panic about how I might have permanently effected my mental health because of the panic attack. It was truly the first time I experienced such a violent panic attack, and from that point on my anxieties transitioned from solely worrying about my sexual insecurities to feeling like I was a maniac that wouldn’t never find a place in the world.

Later on in my freshman year there was a news story about a kid at a neighboring high school who was my age who shot himself in front of his parents. This news shocked and terrified me that I was headed towards this end and it ended up making me insecure about even being home alone as I knew where our family stored our weapons and ammo. While I felt like I was a danger to myself, I believe that I had no intentions of actually doing any harm to myself, but rather simply had anxiety about having anxiety. This was a very dark period of time for me and I remember waking up in the morning feeling like I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day without feeling panicked at one time or another. There was even a short period of time where my main focus of anxiety was about a ringing in my ears (tinnitus) which I felt was never going to go away. While all of these thoughts were going through my head I was also maintaining and making new friendships. I also swore to myself that I would never try smoking marijuana again.

My sophomore year of high school went a bit smoother, I got a girlfriend who was very pretty and who made me feel more confident in myself. I also continued playing sports, and even acquired the award of Eagle Scout in the boy scouts which my brother had previously achieved. Things were getting better for me and I felt encouraged that I was going to get better and make it through this time in my life. I still had many worries, definitely more anxiety than my peers, but I had learned to manage it better and to be a better person. During the second semester of my sophomore year I began to see a psychiatrist who I trusted and was actually very honest with. He prescribed me celexa to help manage my anxiety, and I believe he diagnosed me with GAD and minor OCD. It was good to let out the things that I kept confined in my head and to get some closure on my anxiety. Around this time my friends were all smoking weed and I decided that I would try it again. Believe it or not, I did not experience a panic attack, however I don’t think I was really enjoying it but rather trying to fit in and be a part of the fun. Things took a turn for the worst when my friends and I were pulled over and arrested for possession on marijuana over that next summer. I was immediately thrown back into a depressed and isolated state and my dad was very hard on me. I know that I had messed up and had deserved everything that came as a result, but I managed to earn enough enough to pay off the ticket so that I could earn my trust back. I was still taking celexa at this time on a daily basis and I do believe that it helped me with anxiety.

My junior year of high school was very fun and fulfilling, I succeeded in school and attended many social events on the weekends where I was getting with girls and enjoying being young. I even lost my virginity to a girl I had been talking to and taking on dates which further boosted my confidence and subsided doubts about my sexuality. It was like proof that I wasn’t gay, and I knew that I had been obsessive and irrational with my prior thoughts about sexuality. The next phase of anxiety came during my senior year of high school where I was applying to colleges and preparing for a major transitional into that phase of life. I was very anxious, but I managed to get into my favorite university and planned to live with a couple of guys from my high school. In college I decided to stop taking celexa and to try to go about dealing with my anxiety naturally.

At this point in my life I was feeling on top of the world. I joined a fraternity and was actually quite sought after by the greek community because of my high school and because of prior visits. I actually decided to go with a less popular fraternity instead of the top house on campus which had been rushing me very hard. While I loved the fraternity I joined, I had certainly stayed in my comfort zone. Other than the occasional outlash of anxiety I would experience in class, the bulk of my serious anxiety came when riding the bus to school or when simply walking to class. I feel like I was insecure about the people around me and really would get worked up when I had nothing to do. I was smoking weed fairly regularly during this time as my roommates were heavy smokers, but it didn’t seem to interfere with day to day life. I kind of had a reputation of being a neat freak at home but it was mostly because my roommates lived like pigs and seemed to have very low motivation. That Spring semester of Freshman I ran for many leadership positions in my organization, and was elected to the position of social chairman for the following Fall semester. This was very cool because social chair plans and executed parties and mixers with sororities on campus. I was getting with girls, having a good time every weekend, and had been elected to basically the coolest position in the fraternity so things were going well.

Summer between my freshman and sophomore years went by quickly, and I even began working at a marketing company where I was being payed very well for my age. The beginning of Fall couldn’t come soon enough as this is the time where the fraternity hosts many parties at the house to recruit new members of the chapter during “rush”. I lived in the fraternity house and ended up sleeping with multiple girls over the course of the rush period. Things turned very awry for me when one night I was in my room with a girl who I really wanted to be with, but couldn’t manage to get an erection. I remember feeling humiliated and embarrassed by what happened, and I apologized to her the next morning and felt very insecure. This occurrence sparked a relapse in my negative thoughts surrounding my sexuality, was it because I wasn’t attracted to her? or was it because I had too much to drink that night? My thoughts continued to race and I began to feel discouraged about girls. Over the course of that Fall of sophomore year I only had one sexual experience but it wasn’t at all what I wanted it to be. I was insecure, humiliated and worried that I wouldn’t be able to perform with girls. One night just before christmas break I met a girl who I really liked, and began talking to her over the following weeks back home.

When I went back home I felt that it would be a good idea to better myself physically and mentally. I went to the gym, went back to the doctor who was a colleague of my moms and ended up being prescribed pristiq and 15mg adderrall. When I returned to school I anticipated being back with the girl who I was so infatuated with. I might ad that I had been elected rush chairman and re elected as social chairman so I was in charge of basically all social and recruitment events to take place that semester. I began to party very hard during that Spring rush period, and I ended up making that girl my girlfriend. While I was getting my job done within the fraternity, I was neglecting my health by drinking in excess and trying to recruit the freshman by being an example of a cool guy who had a hot girlfriend and partied hard. I think that the amount of alcohol I was consuming heavily contributed to me feeling free of anxiety during those first couple weeks of recruitment. Classes for me were still pretty terrible. The previous fall semester I had withdrawn from the university and moved to a nearby junior college where I planned to improve my grades to get back into the university. My anxiety was almost completely focused on being in public situations whether it was walking to class, driving my car and especially when at the grocery store. I felt like I looked anxious, or looked like a weirdo because I was constantly checking the people who would pass me in the hall to see what they thought of me. I was so self conscious and was also insecure about my sexuality at this time because I had not been intimate with my girlfriend yet. I feel like our relationship was unhealthy because we mostly hung out when partying and we didn’t have the personal and intimate relationship that we needed. I also would get very protective and in many cases extremely jealous of her irrationally when we were out. Especially when she would talk to my friends or other guys, it worried me that she might be getting with someone else and not with me. Thinking about it now, I was being so jealous and irrational because I was insecure about our own relationship. We hadn’t had sex and rarely engaged in intimate stuff even though I was very attracted to her. I was still discouraged about my ability to perform in bed and I feel like that ultimately caused our relationship to be unhealthy and eventually for it to end after about three months. It was certainly a learning experience having her as a girlfriend, but looking back on it event this day I feel upset that we never had those sexual experiences which I longed for but was too anxious to execute. While I was quite anxious for the remainder of my junior year, I managed to make good grades at the junior college to start off my climb back to the university.

The following summer was pretty boring. I worked at the same company for the first half and took summer school courses back at school for the second half. During this time I had virtually no sexual experiences and was still extremely frustrated about being scared to make moves in the bedroom. It was so frustrating, humiliating and embarrassing to be flirting with a girl and having a shot at getting with her, but to end up cutting things off so as to avoid an uncomfortable bedroom experience. To start off the Fall of my junior year I moved out of the fraternity house into an apartment with two older friends who were quite tame, but good influences on my academics and day to day life. I still smoked weed and had fun with friends, I was just so insecure about girls that I began to lose my personal identity. I remember that Fall rush being nervous about going to the parties because I was scared I would be put in another failed sexual situation. Of course, my worries became a reality when I managed to start getting intimate with a girl I had previously had sex with in the fraternity house bathroom. This wasn’t a girl who I was extremely attracted t, and looking back I feel like I was almost testing myself to see if I could perform and get over my slump. Sure enough, we had been drinking all night and I couldn’t perform. I remember her looking at me and asking “whats wrong?”. It was so embarrassing and furthered my frustrations.

I did very well in my courses again that semester and managed to gain admission back into the university for the following spring semester (where I am now). Before gaining admission, I met a girl at a party who I began talking to and liked very much. One night we went to the bars and I ended up going home with her after many drinks. I wanted to get with her so bad but as we were undressing the thoughts about failing in the bedroom raced in my head and caused me to be very anxious as we began to get closer. Of course, as I expected I failed to get it up again. She was very cool with it and understanding that we had been drinking a lot and wanted to continue seeing me the following nights. After that experience, I was so upset and frustrated about myself that I pretty much cut her out of my life. This was terrible because I liked her a lot but felt like I would never be able to perform again. It was a good semester for my grades, and while I wasn’t holding any positions in the fraternity anymore, I still had many friends who enjoyed my company.

This brings me to where I am now. I primarily worry about two things on a day to day basis. First, I hate walking to class and being in public situations without friends because Im so paranoid about the people around me. Why do I always feel like people are judging me? It has gotten to the point where I and thinking about my facial expressions and body language because Im worried I look anxious or look like Im having a panic attack. When the teacher looks at me in class I immediately start thinking about the way I look rather than the thing she is talking about. I feel like it makes me get red-faced or look paranoid. I even chew on my upper lip sometimes and move my tongue around in my mouth because Im feeling so anxious and am worrying about what Im doing. My friends still hang out with me and as far as Im concerned they know me as the same guy as always, but somethings wrong. I don’t hear or see anything that other people don’t see but I do feel paranoid in some social situations. This used to be something that only happened to me in class, but now I sometimes get extremely insecure and self conscious at parties or sometimes even with friends. Why do I think about what Im doing and acting like so often? I should also mention that a friend commented about my ego last semester and this lead me to believe that I might be a narcissist or a sociopath because Im always trying to “act” normal and be a part of the crowd. I talked to my mom and my doctor about this and they insured me that its not true, but I still sometimes go OCD and start googling stuff that I shouldn’t be and get worked up. I also looked up symptoms of schizophrenia which I don’t feel like I would have, but sometimes self diagnose myself when looking over the symptoms. The second thing that I worry about excessively is the same thing I have always worried about, my sexuality. I am attracted to girls and have always watched straight porn and had intense sexual feelings towards girls, Im just so self conscious about being able to perform in bed that I am depressed because of it. I feel like this aspect of it is causing my overall anxiety to skyrocket, and I know that the next time I have a good sexual experience I will feel more confident and re-vamped.

I have had many problems with anxiety in the past, but at this point I am preparing to join the professional world and am worrying that I might have a problem that could interfere with my success. I posted this to tell my story, and to get as much input and advice as possible. What do you think the issue is? Has anybody had similar issues in the past?

Thanks so much for reading, I know my punctuation isn’t quite up to par but I had to get all of this out. I would appreciate ANY input.

-John

P.S.

My name isn’t John, I just wrote that because I don’t want to post my real name…