Where is my mind? Seriously though

First post on this website, or any online forum actually..just a forewarning..this may be a lengthy post so thanks to anyone who will read it and hopefully reply.
I'm pretty confused about what's been going on with my thought patterns recently. I've had some very high anxiety levels, depersonalization, depression these past few months. I came here to hopefully get some clarity or at least someone who can understand what I'm going through.

So my biggest fear is going crazy. I know it's practically impossible to actually make yourself go crazy, but I still literally feel like I'm in the process of it right now. Through the past couple months of constant negative thinking, I just literally don't know what to think about anymore because my negative thoughts are too powerful to stop from coming in. It's caused me some severe insomnia, questioning reality, and the worst part: not being able to focus on anything let alone relax at the end of the day. It's simply the inability to let my mind naturally think pure authentic thoughts without questioning them. To me, the concept of "thinking" and one's "mind" is just too f**cking weird. I'm always asking myself how did I used to think before all this started happening..and of course that never fails to get me pretty depressed.

Another thing I always tend to worry about is getting something negative stuck in my head that I don't want there. Thoughts that could easily manifest my mind like "suicide" or images of horrific things. Basically, thoughts I would never think but my mind brings them in as some way of torturing myself. That's the stuff that can keep me up all night giving way to panic attacks that make the next day even more grueling than the one before. I know it'd be so easy just to let my mind be at ease with itself and let it do it's thing, but it almost feels like I'm doing it voluntarily for some strange reason, and that's the scariest part. For example, one day I said to myself, what would happen if I had a panic attack right now? And of course, I wound up with one for a couple hours..I scared myself straight.

In the past few weeks, it's been something I've thought about every hour of every day. I just can't let my mind relax from all these anxious thoughts, which most of the time are about my future and where I'll be. I have some bad social anxiety as well which makes me overthink all my relationships and conversing with my friends and family. It used to be I would have these anxious thoughts only when I was alone but now my anxious thoughts are bursting into activities I used to whole-heartedly enjoy like writing music, hanging with friends, hiking, and concerts. I literally overthink everything, and now that I can barely enjoy the things I used to, I feel robbed. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to contemplate mental institutions and if I'm going to belong in one in the future.

I can barely hold my focus when I'm conversing with people, with these intrusive thoughts breaking into my self inflicting mind. My other biggest fear is living with all this commotion in my head for the rest of my life. I will end up a loner with no-one around me if these thought patterns prevail. Thinking really is just too weird of a concept for my scattered mind to handle anymore.

Anyone else ever go through something similar? Their mind torturing them for no real trigger or reason? I've always been an over thinker but this is taking it to a whole other level..haha any feedback would be great. If what I have is something serious please let me down easy.. I just need some advice. thanks everyone

You don't say if you are receiving medical treatment. If not, you should seek such help immediately. Medication (cipralex) has helped me very much in calming down my mind. My therapist says without the medication your thoughts can be like you have ten men shouting at you at once, but with the medication you can say to each one of them 'ok, now you can talk.' one at a time. You do need to give it a couple weeks to take effect though.

I can relate to the "thinking is weird" thing.

Since I was about five or six, I'd have these nights where I was lying in bed, and I'd think about thinking, and then everything would feel weird and look tiny and I'd freak out. This only happened every once in a while though.

It progressed throughout my teenage years, especially since I was doing a lot of drugs. It's been getting so much worse these past couple of weeks. Half the time I feel like I'm not even in my own head. Everything will suddenly look and feel completely foreign to me. I start thinking about thinking and I feel like I'm not on Earth anymore. The thing still happens at night too- where I'm lying in bed and suddenly everything looks really tiny and I have no comprehension of what's going on.

At this point, I've come to terms with the fact that I'll probably be insane by the time I'm thirty. I guess that's not much help to you, but I'm just letting you know you're not alone. Best of luck to you.

@P0ppy

Thanks for replying. I agree with you, sometimes it just feels like I will be clinically insane within a few years. Just curious, have you found any good ways to get of your head when the thoughts become too overwhelming and strong??