Moving Confessions

Living with my birthmom and stepdad has been tough after leaving an nightmare abusive relationship. I started doubting the move three months in, not because I missed him, but because I was isolated and in a tough living situation with people I'd never lived with before. I started making frequent trips to my childhood home, a few hours away, and catching up with old friends, and it helped. Finally, it got to the point where I started planning to move there away from here. I made plans to move in with a guy friend from back in the day, and shortly after that we started seeing each other. I've always been fast to get swept away but I've done my best to stay level headed in this one and I've had a lot of hang ups anyway, due to the abuse and rape I had suffered in my last relationship. I won't be his girlfriend. And he says he doesn't care, that he wants to see me happy again, even if it's not with him. And I think I'm in love with him. He says he's in love with me, and I believe him. I had a lot of anxiety telling the biomom and stepdad I was moving, but it went well. My dad seems like he thinks it will be hard but hasn't told me I shouldn't. My stepmom, however, who raised me and is tough as nails, has a lot of questions and doubts and was very vocal about it. My grandma (who doesn't know about the rape and abuse) even says it doesn't matter if I'm happy, I should stay where I'm getting free room and board while I finish my master's. So I have massive anxiety about moving, and about how I'm going to explain things if/when (really more when than if) we start dating. My parents would be very disapproving of my entering into a relationship with my roommate, or even living with a boyfriend before it was very, very serious. And he doesn't pressure me at all, but I feel like I'm hiding him from my parents and there's no reason to (although they might think he's not good enough for me) and I they would find it inappropriate for me to be in a relationship again so soon after the last one (too young to play house, focus on being young, being free, your degree) and especially given the circumstances of the last one. I didn't intend to get involved with him in the first place. Add all this in with trying to find a job in another state and my uncertainty of after my degree and adding another year on to my program by transferring to a harder school, and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack every single day.

Hi there

That all sounds pretty stressful for you- understandable that you would feel so anxious about having to make the decision.

Ultimately, only you can decide what's best for you, I appreciate that it is not easy though, esp with family assuming they know what's best for you or trying to tell you what you should do (I struggle with this too). But it's up to you who you decide to be in a relationship with. What if the two of you just take it steady to start with and see how things unfold?

I can always count on you for a steadying reply One of my downfalls is I have to examine a situation from all angles until it happens. I wish I knew how to stop :/

toefreckle90 wrote:Living with my birthmom and stepdad has been tough after leaving an nightmare abusive relationship. I started doubting the move three months in, not because I missed him, but because I was isolated and in a tough living situation with people I'd never lived with before. I started making frequent trips to my childhood home, a few hours away, and catching up with old friends, and it helped. Finally, it got to the point where I started planning to move there away from here. I made plans to move in with a guy friend from back in the day, and shortly after that we started seeing each other. I've always been fast to get swept away but I've done my best to stay level headed in this one and I've had a lot of hang ups anyway, due to the abuse and rape I had suffered in my last relationship. I won't be his girlfriend. And he says he doesn't care, that he wants to see me happy again, even if it's not with him. And I think I'm in love with him. He says he's in love with me, and I believe him. I had a lot of anxiety telling the biomom and stepdad I was moving, but it went well. My dad seems like he thinks it will be hard but hasn't told me I shouldn't. My stepmom, however, who raised me and is tough as nails, has a lot of questions and doubts and was very vocal about it. My grandma (who doesn't know about the rape and abuse) even says it doesn't matter if I'm happy, I should stay where I'm getting free room and board while I finish my master's. So I have massive anxiety about moving, and about how I'm going to explain things if/when (really more when than if) we start dating. My parents would be very disapproving of my entering into a relationship with my roommate, or even living with a boyfriend before it was very, very serious. And he doesn't pressure me at all, but I feel like I'm hiding him from my parents and there's no reason to (although they might think he's not good enough for me) and I they would find it inappropriate for me to be in a relationship again so soon after the last one (too young to play house, focus on being young, being free, your degree) and especially given the circumstances of the last one. I didn't intend to get involved with him in the first place. Add all this in with trying to find a job in another state and my uncertainty of after my degree and adding another year on to my program by transferring to a harder school, and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack every single day.

School is always stressful, especially grad school. I have my eyes set on a Ph.D. in Geography (yikes!), so I know what it is probably like, since I worked like a dog in undergrad and graduated near the top of my class. You just need to budget your time wisely, make sure you study enough, and also remember to take time out for yourself. Also, really make sure you are looking at the job market 6 months to a year in advance of graduating, trust me on that.

As for what your parents think about your room mate, you could two one of three things. You could tell them about him and suffer the consequences. You could hide him from them. Or you could not tell them and not move in with him. I would say chose option 1 or 2

toefreckle90 wrote:I can always count on you for a steadying reply One of my downfalls is I have to examine a situation from all angles until it happens. I wish I knew how to stop :/

You're welcome. Sorry I'm a bit slow replying to you.

I don't think that examining a situation from all angles is necessarily a bad thing, but perhaps it's more about the level of examining that you are doing? I know it's so easy for thoughts to spiral out of control with anxiety- you quickly end up with lots and lots of "what if's", and it's hard to try to catch it before you do get to the "what if's"- at least that's where I find I always run away with it.