Existential Crisis?

I've been dealing with some ###$ up thoughts as of late. Constant intrusion, causing me great anxiety and fear. I feel hopeless, I dread the future, I feel alone and am constantly questioning the meaning of my life, the reason behind life, etc. A constant thought of mine is, "Why live if I'm just going to die? What's the point?" This causes me some anxiety to an extent but the thoughts spinning out of control cause me great pain. These thoughts of hurting those around me as "we're all going to die anyways". I wouldn't dream of harming anyone... but these thoughts make me think otherwise.. And then I fight them and tell myself that the best thing to do in life is give others the opportunity to enjoy their time on this earth, not end it for them. It takes me back to movies I've watched... "Rampage" being one of them. I've always been very passionate about conformity, or rather, not wanting to. I feel I'm just a sheep being controlled, that everything is a hoax... that no one is actually out there to help me, they're just there to make my suffering last a little longer... and even in typing this, I know it's not me who think this way... it's that inner "demon" putting all kinds of $#%^ in my head. I've always found it pointless to work a job you hate, to live the "american dream"... I'm just fearful that I'll turn into someone who becomes obsessed with the notion, who needs to "rid" the world, essentially like Alex did in Rampage. I'm assuming this IS only anxiety and depression talking, as I'd never want to act on these things... I suppose I'm just so misguided in life, fearful of the future... that I don't see how it could possibly get any better... I'm scared I'll lose touch with reality and start believing these crazy thoughts.

It's sometimes hard to differentiate between "my" thoughts and those my anxiety causes. And there's so much violence in the media.. I've always adored horror movies, learning about serial killers and irrational mental illnesses until I fell victim, that's when the fear took its toll. I strongly contemplate ending it everyday, if it weren't for decent people reaching out to me, my pets, music and this little spark of hope, I don't know what I'd do... I don't mind dying, I just don't want to hurt anyone around me.

After my cousin committed suicide in January, the notion of mortality smashed me in the face... I was living as if I'd never die, and when I realized it was inevitable and would eventually hit close to home, I lost it.

What do you do to alleviate these thoughts? What can I do to live with a more positive outlook on life? And why the hell am I having an early-life crisis? I'm 24... but I suppose I might as well get it over with now. -___-

I'm only one on medication: Baclofen 20mg 2x/day... perhaps I should consider something else as well.

Hi and welcome

Sorry to hear that you're dealing with such intrusive anxious thoughts and feeling that everything has to be questioned- that's something that I find quite overwhelming.

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin as well- that must have been very hard to deal with and it's understandable that it might trigger off some of those questioning thoughts.

Have you thought about seeking out some therapy at all? I think it would be worth having a chat to your doctor as well about how you're feeling too. Perhaps ask them what they think about your medication and whether they think it might need to be changed or upped.

Take care- stay safe
Lily

Thank you for your reply. I'm currently seeking therapy but my counselor thinks I'm doing well enough to only see her once in awhile, although I disagree. I plan on talking to her as soon as I see her, which is next week. These existential views haven't come up until recently... it's very strange. Hopefully returning to work will benefit me... I'm just beginning to think there's no point for anything, really.

You're welcome.

I think if you disagree about how frequently you see your counsellor you should definitely let her know. I know I've tried to stretch sessions out a bit further before, but I usually end up doing worse. I guess stretching it out further will come with time.

I have found being overwhelmed by those thoughts comes and goes. Sometimes triggered by an event or thought in particular. Otherwise I just try to put it out of my mind.

Perhaps returning to work will help as a distraction and give you less time for the anxious thoughts to take over. Are you safe?

Take care
Lily

I'm safe. My environment needs to change immensely. I suppose I've just gotten into the habit of overthinking every single thing in my life. Letting go and finding acceptance will benefit me. It's as if every time I'm okay, I retrace my mind to see if the thoights there and, boom, anxious again. Definitely an OCD thing, haha. I've been fairly depressed these past few days... Questing life again. I'm trying to reframe my mind. I just started CBT so I hope that benefits me. Thank you for listening.

You're welcome. I'm glad to hear you're safe.

I think overthinking kind of comes with anxiety. It's so easy to get lost in all the thoughts. I don't know that overthinking is just an OCD thing- I think it goes with a few anxiety disorders.

Sorry you've been feeling so down. I really hope that the CBT helps you.

Take care
Lily

I am not sure if you are still checking this thread, but I experience existential crisis all of the time, and I am 23.

I think the early "life crisis" as you put it is really normal. As children and young adults we often times live in a communal sort of environment, whether it be in the neighborhood or in the dormitory in college. Suddenly, the rug is pulled out from under us and we are thrust into the marketplace. You are suddenly expected to take all of your social science and humanities education (philosophy, theology, english lit etc.) and throw it directly into the trash.

In the process we are often expected to surrender all of our ethics, values, and ideals. We find ourselves in entry level jobs, at the very bottom of the totem pole, subservient to bosses that we likely despise. On top of that, we are living in turbulent times, both economically and politically.

In terms of thinking about death, don't worry about that. That just means that you are an intellectual, and somebody who is brave enough to ask those sorts of questions

I recommend picking up some Hermann Hesse books, he is sort of the stereotypical author for the existentially tormented youth who are experiencing the very same crisis you are. His book "Knulp" would be a good start.

I go through this several times a week, it's horrible...usually it only lasts 1-3 hours and I find something else to focus on. Try to keep busy and that should put things into perspective.