a mixed bag

So I have never had yo do anything like this. I mean I spoke with psychologists near the end of me last job but I'm the type to try and leave the past behind me. I'm starting to feel depression creeping up on me again and a mix of extreme anxiety. I'm 26. I've been able to do very little with my life. I recently separated from the army and although honorably they made my life a living hell because of an injury I sustained and they refused to treat. I was treated like a liar and a malingerer. Now I'm out but have been struggling to even find work. My family wants me gone and what few people I call friend accuse me of not looking hard enough. I have thousands of dollars of government training and I'm applying to everything from waiter to my actual job. In person I am very happy and bubbly. To meet me you would never know that I was unhappy unless you lived with me everyday. I have heard every excuse in the book for why I'm not employable. It is not the first time I have dealt with this either, but at least this time they are telling me because I'm too old or quote en quote too experience, or under skilled.i feel like a slave being beat down, when all I want to do is rise up and be important, make something of myself. As if everything works against me. I can't even use my benefits because my past college experiences, for which I served one of my depressions, curses me.
I can't even find a girlfriend, some of it my own fault because I don't trust due to past experiences so I push away. The closest I have gotten is one that pushes me away for similar reason, which is why I think I haven't pushed her away I think we will be good for one another and she will be different but I can't even get close or she runs away. I get in fights with family because of lack of work and I'm on the verge of being homeless because they want to sell the house. We have an incompetent realtor. Let it be known I don't enjoy conflict. In the heat of the moment I can't finish an argument. But I am smart. When a sales person asks the person they are working for how to sell something I'm not going to sit there and let my parents get taken for a ride(she has been making my family spend alot of extra money changing things for her, rather than her do her job and flip a sale I used to convince people to buy 2000$ ski and snowboard packages when all they wanted was to buy 100$ skis, she isn't even trying to convince people she is just rolling over and making my parents pay for it.) I have a mix of anxiety, which hasn't been resolved since I left the service, frustration and I'm slowly beginning to become depressed again. People keep saying keep trying, keep your head up, have you applied to x thing have you tried y thing. Yes I have yes I have.

I could go on and on, and like I said my whole past could make a book. I am not being poor me poor me, there are people worse off, yes and I don't want to be treated like that. I don't even think I want help or for that matter, or sympathy. I'm prideful though I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm meant for alot more, but everyone just wants to see me fail and will do anything to see it so. I feel like people laugh at my misfortune. Like my misery is a game. Soon I will have to start selling what little I have been able to retain from the service due in no small part to a leaders actions causing the destruction of personal and government property. I'm too soft to actually commit suicide, however, I'm warming up to the idea of driving out to the middle of a lake this winter, letting the ice break, and leaving the rest to fate. I'm at wits end and don't know what else to do. Its always one Sept forward and 6 back, and I'm tired of it.

Hi and welcome

I'm really sorry that you're going through all this. It sounds a lot to be dealing with and understandable that it would leave you feeling that way.

Being knocked back for jobs repeatedly is really hard to cope with. It's painful and every time someone says no, it feels like a personal attack.

Its understandable that you might have some trouble with being in a relationship if you're having difficulty trusting people. Perhaps now is just not the right time for you to be in a relationship and that time will come a little way down the track for you.

I understand you're not being "poor me" about it, but it's ok to say you're struggling and need some help. Have you thought about seeking out some help in 3D at all? I think it's especially important that you do if you're having suicidal thoughts. Even if you don't think you'll go through with it, having those thoughts there says that things are really not as they should be.

Please keep talking and keep safe- take care
Lily