I'm new and seriously anxious! Helppp. *Trigger Warning*

I'm a 24 year old female and out of nowhere I'm battling crazy feelings of guilt and resentment towards myself. I was dealing with depersonalization and derealization for a few months and I'm finally just now coming back down to earth (somewhat) and out of nowhere these immense feelings of guilt over past situations have been driving me mad. The doctors don't really know for sure what it is I'm battling but GAD and depression are pretty much what it feels like. Except lately my anxiety has escalated immensely. I realize now that I was use DR and DP as a coping mechanism and when I finally got out of that, all of these negative feelings are floating around in my entire being and I don't know what the hell to do about them.

So basically, I'm going to tell you guys stuff and hopefully you can give me some words of wisdom. I need constant reassurance, but I fear being judged so I have an incredibly hard time opening up. Again, I'm 24, an only child. I'm the child of an alcoholic, co-dependent as hell, depressed, social anxiety, generalized anxiety (about my health and the fact that I'm convinced I have a new disease/disorder every other day... this has calmed down a bit.) And out of nowhere I'm just extremely guilty over things! I don't mean to make this so long but, here goes. When I was 7, I was molested. Once. The sad thing is I feel like I don't deserve to acquire the "victim" label because some people have had much worse situations than mine. Again, low-self esteem and pretty much no self worth whatsoever. Anyways. as a child I experimented sexually with other kids. From when I was 5-7. And the thing that grosses me out is when I was 12, I had my 4/5? year old male cousin in bed with me and I touched his genitals. I really don't remember what I was thinking besides curiosity, but I am so disgusted with myself now, all of a sudden. I keep thinking "What if I'm a pedo?" I find men attractive. I find people MY age attractive, so I don't know why I'm having these feelings. I just feel like 12 years old is an odd age to do something like that but I don't understand that stuff anyways. It happened once after that I think. I don't remember how old I was. I just remember wanting to look at a penis. Is that messed up? My poor cousin! I don't see him now and even when I did, I never wanted to do anything like that again. And when I was 14, I experimented with my neighbor's. Three girls, I think the youngest was 8 at the time? I just think it's disgusting and I'm beating the $#%^ out of myself for it. Like the time I stapled a cat's ear out of curiosity and recently thought I was a sociopath because of it. Am I nuts? Or just worrying myself into insanity? Please help! -_____-

Hi and welcome

Apologies for my lateness in replying.

I'm sorry you're struggling with things so much. I have issues with dissociation too and have found that my anxiety makes the dissociation symptoms a lot worse.

No-one here is a professional, so we can only offer our support and understanding from the point of people who have "been there too".

I'm sorry that you were molested. Even though it only happened once, it doesn't make your experience any less valid than anyone else's. Rather that using the "victim" label, what about calling yourself a "survivor" instead? You might like to make a post over in the Sexual Abuse and Incest forum too sexual-abuse-incest/ where I think you'll find others who can relate to what you've been through with that.

Are you having any help with things at all? Have you ever thought about talking with someone like a therapist to help you work through some of the thoughts? I understand how anxious thoughts kind of get "stuck".

Take care
Lily

Hey, sorry for the late reply.

I'm currently talking to a therapist who thinks I have a lot of intrusive thoughts due to my anxiety and depression.

Thank for you responding to me, I appreciate it.

I still have them but now knowing that it isn't me but my mind, I have less anxiety towards them and thus, they aren't as strong or persistent.

Hi- no worries about the delay in replying.

I'm glad that you're talking with a therapist and that they are helping you to understand and deal with things a bit better. I really hope things continue to improve for you.

Take care
Lily

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all that. It's a lot to try to process for sure.

Not sure if this is helpful at all, but I heard from a sexuality expert that it's actually really common for kids to experiment like you were describing, way more common than you might think. I actually have two close friends who told me they did that kind of stuff when they were kids. I think we just don't realize how common it is because it's not exactly the kind of thing people talk about openly.

I hope you're starting to feel better! Good luck!!