Is killing myself the solution?

I suffer from OCD, GAD and Social Phobia. They're all getting worse. I've tried to change my attitude and be more positive but i swear as soon as something good happens to me something equally bad will follow to cancel it out. I'm convinced i was born to have an unhappy existence.

Having social phobia means i have very few people in my life that i feel i can talk to. I don't go out anywhere to socalise, apart from work. If i do go out outside of work i need somebody with me otherwise i panic. I can't even go shopping by myself because i feel like everyone is looking at me or judging me. I'm 27 years old but i feel 100. If my Mum has family or friends over i hide upstairs until they've gone. They must all hate me and think i'm rude. I'm always tired because my mind just doesn't stop. I see other women my age who seem so happy and carefree and i just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I've never had a proper boyfriend, only a sexual relationship which resulted in the last bit of self esteem i had left, being destroyed. He ended up marrying someone else but still got back in touch with me looking for sex (lucky me(!) He's moved abroad with her now and i find myself looking at her instagram and torturing myself for not being more like her. Imagine what she's like and how perfect she must be.

My OCD makes everyday a living hell. Some days i can control it slightly better but most of the time it's very, very bad. It consists of me having to do things a certain way or certain number of times otherwise something bad will happen to certain people. I've tried ignoring the compulsions but i always end up giving in just to get rid of the anxiety, even if it doesn't last long.

I'm just tired of being here. I can't explain how i feel to anyone because i'm scared they'll put me in a mental hospital or something. I just want to be normal, not even happy, just normal. I know that will never happen though. My next door neighbour suffered from the same things as me (not sure about the OCD though) and she killed herself last week. She was 47 years old and never beat her demons. That was a real reality check for me and i don't want to live that long and still feel like this. There is no hope, is there? Not really.

Hello and welcome to the forums! I hope you're feeling better . I would highly recommend talking to a doctor or therapist about this, telling them doesn't mean you'll end up in a hospital, and they could give you a great deal of help in feeling better. If you're feeling suicidal please call the hotline, call a doctor, or even visit the emergency room yourself, alot of good resources can be found in this thread. There's always hope, even if it may be hard to see at the moment If you need anyone to talk to myself and the other mods are always available .

Hope things get better for you soon!

~Partial

Hi i am sorry for what you're going through, i understand it.. and like Partial said, there's always hope. and suicide is definitely not the solution. i really hope you seek the assistance. don't torture yourself for not being like someone else. you have your own special thing in life. and i have OCD too, if there's anything i can do or u need someone to talk, pls let me know.

Hi and welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, and very sorry to hear about your neighbour as well- I imagine that would be very upsetting and triggering for you, especially while you already feel a bit fragile.

I would also suggest reaching out for some extra help in 3D too- you sound like you could really use the extra support right now. Asking for help doesn't necessarily mean being put in hospital. There is hope that you can get through this and that things can improve- don't give up.

Take care and stay safe
Lily

Thank you for your replies.

I don't see the point in telling anybody how i feel. It won't change what happened to me and i doubt my "life" is going to get any better.

Don't give up! OCD and anxiety is treatable with a combination of medication and counselling
or solid peer support. You can also learn to change your habit of thinking negatively.

I have two friends who both struggled with anxiety and depression bigtime and for years and
years. Honestly, they both beat it and are living full, productive lives now. One is now totally off medication; the other on a low dosage. I also have a relative who is coping well with anxiety
disorder.

What I see in them is they had courage to continue on and face and fight their fears. They searched for support. They discussed their problems with a couple of trusted friends. They took small steps
to help themselves. They took comfort and pleasure in small victories.

For example, when a friend of your mother's comes over, go out very briefly and smile and say,
"Hi, how are you?" You don't have to visit. Just say Hi.

The other thing is think of what the other person needs. Do not think of how you feel or that you might freak out. Think of how the other person might feel and what you could offer her... a smile, a compliment, a Coke, a listening ear.

Things CAN get better!

You're right in that it can't change what has already happened, but what you can change and work on is how you react to and deal with what happened. Processing the thoughts and the feelings that might have been pushed aside at the time, and are now overwhelming to you. Gradually the pain of what happened lessens and you can remember the things without it being so totally overwhelming.

Do you have a friend or family member that knows what's going on, or knows that you're having a hard time?

Take care
Lily