How I overcame my pain for 15+ years

What’s up ladies and gents, my name is Chris. I came to this forum to share with you how I overcame my anxiety, depression, shame and pain. I am currently 20 years old and I have been dealing with the pain for over 15+ years. It started with a pretty tough relationship with my own father, and a lot of bullying. I was physically abused at times with my father and he barely showed up in my life. My mother and I became homeless at one point but beforehand we were moving from place to place, school to school. It was weird for me to adjust and I was regularly considered the new kid.
I eventually grew depressed and felt alone at home and at school. At a young age, I took to playing video games to take myself away from the real world. Eventually as I reached my teens, I became increasingly upset and chose to take up martial arts to control my aggression. School was pretty tough for me all the way up into my freshman year of college. I had plenty of downs on my way to move up in my academic career. On top of that, I struggled to want to compete in martial arts simply because I felt as though I was not good enough to win. I had a losing record in high school wrestling. I avoided karate tournaments. And boxing was a no go despite my impressive showcase of skills in sparring sessions. This just ate me alive and it was brutal. To possess all the ability to become anything you want but have such a regressive mindset just kept me in the dark for such a long time. That’s when I decided to re-evaluate my life.
I decided to stop trying to fix my life OUTSIDE of the environment that bothered me the most and open my eyes when I was on the INSIDE. So I stayed at the boxing gym and looked carefully at my self as I worked my regular routine. I looked and looked and looked and eventually, it hit me.
I had extreme anxiety. I cared so much about what others thought of me to the point that I honestly had rather stay in the darkness instead of showing myself out and dealing with the possible negativity from other people. This stemmed from my previous endeavors when I was young.
This fear ladies and gentleman was my defensive mechanism. I ABSORBED the role of the bully but I didn’t pick on other people, I picked on MYSELF. Bullies choose to pick on others because it’s a survival instinct. If they target others to take their aggression out on, they then won’t feel compelled to keep it inside of them. Imagine a bully that expressed depressive, shameful and sad feelings around others. They would look like a prime candidate to get made fun of by other bullies wouldn’t they?
The reason why I stayed depressed, ashamed, sad and miserable was because it was a defense mechanism to not get hurt again. This also bred my over thinking or analysis-paralysis because I was steady protecting myself from a “surprise attack” on my integrity by others. That’s when I noticed the big problem. I WAS LIVING TO PROTECT MY REPUTATION AS OPPOSED TO STRENGTHENING MY CHARACTER. “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” --Coach John Wooden
Reputation is the closest thing a person has to LOOKING perfect. A big house, fancy car, good looks, a lot of money etc and you still FEEL miserable. When you look back at your past, it’s actually quite easy to be depressed and ashamed if you did things that others wouldn’t deem to be ok or cool or acceptable. Actually, making mistakes and failing could very well damage your reputation, but what about your character? What would happen if we cared more about our reputation when it came to walking when we were newborns? All that falling and crying because you don’t have it down yet. I most certainly would feel depressed. But what if I looked at it according to my character? All that falling and crying would press me to try again and again until I cried no more and I was walking on my own 2 feet.
Bottom-line is, your reputation (what people know you for or see you as) is tailor made to APPEAL to others. Your character is what APPEALS to YOU. Your life is your own, enjoy it and embrace it. You can buy sex but you can’t buy love. You can buy a house but you can’t buy a home. You need to stop bending over backwards and hiding your true power because of the people around you. If somebody doesn’t like who you are, f**k em’. You are you and you are enjoying your own presence, that’s way more important than being miserable and dependent on others for your own enjoyment. Stop listening to what this world tells you to be right and find that out for yourself. Everything starts and stops WITH YOU. I can tell you everything I know, but its your choice to listen just like it was your choice to read this. It’s your choice to be depressed and it’s your choice to live by other’s expectations as it is your choice to stop it and rule your world. It’s your life and you do as you please to live right in your own way. If you respect your character, people WILL respect your reputation because they will respect who you are. If someone brings you down because you are enjoying yourself in your own way, forget them. While you’re having fun, they’re busy being pissed off and miserable and that has nothing to do with you. You can only control yourself, it’s your right to live and you do as you please, right or wrong you reap what you sow. Have fun with yourself and be free, you are the only one this world will ever have.

hi Overcome,
nice message!!
..."Bottom-line is, your reputation (what people know you for or see you as) is tailor made to APPEAL to others. Your character is what APPEALS to YOU. Your life is your own, enjoy it and embrace it."
I can see both in my life, thanks a lot!! still lots of work to do, but I am somewhere along these lines!!