Controlling everything

Hello,

I'm a 32 year old male student who intents to complete my third year at university in September. So far, my study and most of my life has been a struggle. I was unaware of the desire to control the outcome of everything in my life. The desire to control things within my control and the desire to control things out of my control.

I saw a CAT therapist last year and we completed my mind map. This was helpful because I became aware of my thoughts and feelings, whereas before I was operating on autopilot. My thoughts and feelings powered me. He introduced me to Mindfulness to deal with anxiety and I admit it is a tool that will stay with me for the rest of my life. It is brilliant.

However, procrastination ripples throughout my life. The greatest ripple is via study. I cannot bring myself to calm the waters. I am overwhelmed with anxiety and although Mindfulness is there, there is another force at work in the background. This is a desire to control.

I was not aware of my desire to control until it was pointed out to me a few days ago. So, what I am asking is this - how do I accept I cannot control my life? I need tools I can put to use so I can remove this cruel tormentor?

Do you have personal stories? Do you have internet links? Do you have books?

Thank you for reading.

My therapist told me that it would be more easy to accept that I can't control everything by pre-planning for things outside my control. I used to be quite paranoid about natural disasters. So I packed a "bug-out" bag and put it in the closet near the front door containing basic survival equipment (which, handily, is largely the same as basic camping equipment, so I'm always ready to go camping at a moment's notice!), and I know where in my house to go in case of earthquake. I also know little-used routes out of the city, and have a store of distilled water, medicine, canned goods, etc. in my house.

I can't control natural disasters but I can be prepared for them.

It's a bit trickier when your need for control affects other people, who quite naturally don't want to be controlled. But you can use the same technique. It used to stress me out that my fiancé could fall out of love with me at any time and there would be nothing I could do about it. But for some reason I stopped the visualizing there - at him leaving. Therapist told me to keep visualizing after a split. What would I do? Where would I go? Forced to think about it, I developed a backup plan. He's still here and we're planning our wedding, but being forced to really think about and visualize PAST my imaginary worst-case scenarios that are out of my control makes you realize that you can survive it, and you feel much more capable.

I forget what he called it - "pre panicking" or something like that. Essentially it means that if your mind is torturing you with visions of terrible things happening that are beyond your control, force your mind to move past the event itself and - oh yes, that's what he called it - cope ahead. Visualize what you would do AFTER the horrifying event and that will help you realize that even though you can't control everything and everyone in the entire world, you can still control your own reactions to it.

There's a quote that's very inspiring to me: "Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, Surprise you, dissapoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power."

thanks, lilja h, thats wonderful advice.

I think repeating the worse case emotions and feeling bad about it makes me feel worse. I want to acknowledge my feelings, but I also want to have agency.

I have a higher power
I have 12 step groups with at least 50 people involved.

If control is the subject! I start studying this subject! When I have an understanding, I start expressing or talking or writing in blogs.. This gets the anxiety out! starts to clear my mind. I talk to the groups Im in about control.

Control is a problem for me! it keeps me unaware of others desires and needs... I become self centered.

The idea is; take chances and let go of the outcome. How does a real human do this; with the help of a large group of people on my side. No way can I do this alone! Most humans can't...

I have to work my way into a new way of thinking; a change of attitude... When I see "letting go" as more prosperous then controlling, I will let go of controlling.

Im insecure and come from a background of severe abuse; specifically psychological abuse. Abandonment is a major factor in that abuse and I am scared and controlling.

I did not know I was controlling until a recent relationship pointed this out! They wanted someone free. I was a bit needy!

Letting go of the outcome! That is letting go of control. However, this causes great anxiety!

Practice, practice, practice..

Look control up on Youtube...