Am I possibly a lesbian? or just oversexualized?

I’m not quite sure what is wrong with me psychologically, but I have some troubling intimacy issues. I have to sort of break down a history to maybe help explain why I am this way. As a child I always wanted to be a male (I was female) and often would cry or act out if I was forced at school into a gender specific role. Teachers even commented to my parents about this and I believe everyone thought other than my parents who were in denial that I was going to grow up and be a lesbian or transsexual etc.
I never did though. By the age of 11 I was rather young but fantasizing about sex with boys, but always in third person focusing more on watching ME than the guy. A few weeks after turning 15 I had sex for the first time. I really was attracted to this boy and liked him a lot, but of course it didn’t last. After that a lot of trauma happened in my life with my family, my mother was diagnosed with fast growing cancer and was in the hospital, my father was a nervous wreck and extra strict on me. I acted out and tried to heal myself by having sex with multiple guys; I was too foolish and very young and hurt. I continued this pattern up until I was 19 when I finally met a man I fell in love with. The issue was he noticed I did not like to be intimate other than sex. I didn’t like looking at him when we had sex or during a romantic moment and I was very nervous to be held or touched other than sexually. He asked me multiple times if I had been abused or raped because I would almost act like it other than the fact that I was ready to go with a very high libido when it came to sex. He also discovered that I tended to prefer oral sex over vaginal and would often get angry if oral didn’t occur first. Honestly I like both and wouldn’t want one without the other, but it made me discover that, that was something I seriously needed with my sexuality. I get much more turned on by the thought of oral over vaginal and I definitely prefer the feeling, although I like both a lot.
Well after we broke up I went on many dates and all have said the same thing. Why don’t you like kissing so much? Why aren’t you looking at me when we are romantic? To this day I still get turned on more by the thought of seeing myself get off than the guy. When I envision sex now I get much more turned on by the idea of a woman moaning and orgasming than a man.
The questions I have are these…could I be a lesbian? I have never really fantasized about having sex with girls more so other girls having sex with men. But other than that I never gave it much thought. I do love penises a lot too though. I just wonder if maybe I actually am more attracted to women just never knew it? All my life I acted more like a male and liked more male dominant things as well as being the aggressor in the relationship. Could it be that because I had sex with so many guys at such a young age that I am just not as interested in sex and intimacy anymore? Some of the guys were not very good to me, so could that abuse have made me less intimate? Maybe I over did it and it means less?
Very confused, but I’d like to fix it.

HI MissUnknown,

I can relate to you on a lot of different levels. I am also bio female but most of the time feel male. I think you have a lot of things going on here, and it might be worth posting some in the sexual dysfunctions forum. Particularly the intimacy issues. I think there are people there with some good thoughts. Do you feel you are dissociating during sex?

But for the gender, sexual orientation issues. It is important to separate these two things. Your gender is whether you identify with being male, female, both, neither. your sexual orientation is who you are attracted to/want to be intimate with. So if you find yourself in a group of people, who do you identify with, male or female? If you are walking on the street and you could be anything you wanted to be, is that person male or female? Do you wish you had male body parts/features or are you fine with female.

What type of people are you attracted to? Male or female. Would you rather have sex with a male of female.

Your discomfort with intimacy is something I know well. Remember sex is not necessarily emotionally intimate, so perhaps you are not achieving emotional intimacy at all with your SO? How does emotional intimacy make you feel?

I don't think you over did it, just imo. I think there are a lot of layers of difficult things here. And if you stress yourself over what this all means it could just cause you to stress about it and perhaps lose interest.

Think about it in little steps, you'll find your way!
Sam

Wow, Sam, those, I'm sure, are great questions to really ask oneself. Yet, would they necessarily define and point out a gender identity? - I'm not sure.
I am bio female. I identify as bisexual. I find emotional intimacy more satisfying than sexual intimacy, well, at least I imagine so anyway. I've always wanted male body parts. I carry myself sometimes how a guy would carry himself. But that's probably because I grew up around my dad and brother more than my mom. Recently, my mom has pointed out that I have a faint mustache. I've always had it. Always had bad or abnormal (in some way) menstrual cycles. I consider myself to have more interest in developing muscles than the average girl. I think the hidden answer to this is that I have higher testosterone levels than an average girl should, I suppose. Idk, what is an average girl suppose to have in a level of testosterone anyway?
This is just me, for the first time, expressing my inner thoughts about my gender and sexuality. I have expressed some thoughts throughout my childhood that I wished I was a guy. Ultimately, I can't imagine myself changing who I am. I could cut off these breasts, but I think I'd rather wait til I get breast cancer (runs in the family). I have pretty big size for breasts, so anybody knows I'm definitely a girl.
Anyways, there's my spiel. And my input, that hormone imbalance might be to blame. (By the way, is hormone imbalance something that one is born with or comes up throughout pre-pubescent childhood?)

Yet, would they necessarily define and point out a gender identity? - I'm not sure.

I think it depends what kind of answer you are looking for. It will not always point to male or female, that is certain. If you divide male and female in to two separated groups. But if you make male and female to be points on a spectrum, then, yes I think you can find your place on it.

This is just me, for the first time, expressing my inner thoughts about my gender and sexuality

Good job. This can be hard stuff to work on. Ultimately it is part of our identity so it is important we listen to ourselves.

And my input, that hormone imbalance might be to blame. (By the way, is hormone imbalance something that one is born with or comes up throughout pre-pubescent childhood?)

I wouldn't call it an imbalance. It is your balance, the way you are. You might have more testosterone. You might not. Again this goes back to the spectrum. You might just have differences in interests and the way you want to be which seem to contradict what society puts out as the "norm" for girls with their pink fluff and romantic comedies.

We are moving toward the day where diversity is celebrated and we stop shoving ppl into these tiny boxes with labels. At least I am hopeful.

Nice to talk to you,
Sam

I wouldn't call it an imbalance. It is your balance, the way you are. You might have more testosterone. You might not. Again this goes back to the spectrum. You might just have differences in interests and the way you want to be which seem to contradict what society puts out as the "norm" for girls with their pink fluff and romantic comedies.

Yeah, I totally agree. Is there a "norm" for hormonal balance - haven't known of it. The "norm" would be associated with the thing society deems are feminine. I would even reckon to say that that would be the extreme of the spectrum. Of course, I think the diversity is great. I mean, I accept who I am as the "imbalanced" or not, I dont know how hormone levels would have been created or adjusted since birth. There is a "flood of hormones" during pregnancy which determines your sex - I guess it deems more than the sex, but possibly either the gender or other kinds of personality traits and characteristics.

There is a "flood of hormones" during pregnancy which determines your sex - I guess it deems more than the sex, but possibly either the gender or other kinds of personality traits and characteristics.

Actually that is not true. We have 2 sex chromosomes. One X and one Y and each egg/sperm only carries one. So if you are XX you are a girl, and if you are XY you are a boy. The male thus sperm can have X or Y and the female can only have X. But the hormones can determine other characteristics of gender and personality definitely!

there is a lot of evidence that things in our environment, particular estrogen, and estrogen-mimicking compounds are influencing animals (particularly fish) and ppl. So it is possible that the bodily processes driven by hormones are influenced by what is around us but isn't necessarily a disruption in hormone homeostasis in the individual. You know what I mean?

Sam

there is a lot of evidence that things in our environment, particular estrogen, and estrogen-mimicking compounds are influencing animals (particularly fish) and ppl. So it is possible that the bodily processes driven by hormones are influenced by what is around us but isn't necessarily a disruption in hormone homeostasis in the individual. You know what I mean?

haha, not nearly enough. sorry. are you talking about the hormones they inject into non-organic foods?
are you a biology major or have the degree or something?

haha, not nearly enough. sorry. are you talking about the hormones they inject into non-organic foods?

Well they don't inject hormones but food additives certainly have estrogen-mimicking compounds.

One of the worst culprits is birth control actually - it doesn't degrade in our bodies, so we just pee it out! and it goes right into the environment.

are you a biology major or have the degree or something?

something like that

Sam

so, sam, are you saying that there should be more estrogen additions from the environment? if so, where does the testosterone come from within the environment?

NO I am saying that there is estrogen and estrogen-like compounds in the environment that can act like estrogen. I am sure there are testosterone mimics as well. I know less about that but I am sure google knows . testosterone levels vary a lot in both females and males.

Sam