This is a long long story...but I am devastated

My member name on here is a female one in order to be anonymous and also express who I am inside. I hope you don't mind.

I am a 33 year old male. I am currently a loser at life. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a girl. When I just turned 13 I even prayed to God that he would take my life and let me reincarnate into a female. I am tormented all the time when I see or interact with women. I just want to be one of them. I fantasize about being one. I put women on the highest pedestal because I am so happy for them. I hate my body and I hate it with a passion. It is ugly. I am tall, have a large nose, and have hair everywhere. I have a pathetic shrinking hairline on top. I don't work out because I detest it as much as I detest masculinity. I don't even try to look like a strong man. I hate my voice and my chest and my shoulders and my threatening face that disguises how gentle that I am inside. This GID issue that I have has caused countless psychological problems mainly including avoidant personality disorder because well I feel DEAD inside. I have no friends either. I have a few family members as friends though. I have never considered a sex change operation and have never thought that they were any good. I still don't think it would work for me. This is just my opinion but yeah I would rather just be a beautiful woman rather then something from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. So that idea has been furthest from my brain.

However, I just found out that they are starting to treat children who have gender identity disorder by stopping puberty around age 12 and giving them hormones of the opposite sex. So this magically turns pre-teen boys into women by the time they are 18! They then have the "surgery" and any physical link between them and possible manhood as opposed to womanhood is gone! I can't begin to say how jealous that I am of this new generation who are actually achieving and doing it right. No male puberty so no Adam's apple, wide shoulders, muscle growth, etc. The human skull I read is basically female for everybody until a boy reaches puberty. There are 19 year old mtf patients who have youtube blogs and they look and are exactly who they want to be to the point that they never bother to mention their condition and just consider themselves young women. They just don't have periods or can get pregnant and have to take a pill everyday for the rest of their lives. That is all.
I wish so bad that I could have been a part of that.

So anyways I have never really told anybody about my issue and people think that other childhood trauma contributed to me being so socially awkward and loathing myself constantly. I do think of suicide sometimes and wonder however I die whether God will allow me to live as a woman in my afterlife whether on Earth or in Heaven. Finding out about these successful transitions in adolescence though has really triggered my interest in transgenders and GID. It's gotten to a point where I am going to be seeing a therapist for the first time and I can't wait to express all of these so very deeply hidden for so wrong...TRUTHS about me. I will finally get to be able to talk about this stuff.

I was happy as a young boy and was pretty feminine...which caused me to be bullied so much. But I was still happy. I did greatly envy the opposite sex though. When I went through puberty I hated it and felt like I could relate so much easier with teenage girls rather then teenage dudes. I wanted to grow up into a girl instead of a boy but knew that would never happen unless I died and came back in another life or something. As time went on a lot of problems arose and I got clinically depressed and have had all sorts of mental issues (that have nothing to do with aggression at least) and I have never been happy since I was about 12. Being a macho tough strong confident and aggressive man is almost as loathsome to me as kissing one.

Yes I am straight. But I would gladly trade that up and worshiping women so much if I could just be one and be able to be true to myself. To express myself. I also would like to find out what it's like to be a woman and be able to love and appreciate everything about men like they do so much. Instead of detesting them like I do now.

This is me. This is where my heart is. At the bottom of all depression and anxiety and self-loathing, and personality disorders...this is what is at the bottom of it all. This is all that I can post now but hopefully I can keep you posted on how my therapy sessions go. I don't know how it will turn out but at least I am ready to talk about this stuff including on here.

Thank you so much for reading this =)

JM

Hi, Jessica Michelle! You will feel better when you have therapy, you'll hopefully figure a lot of stuff out about yourself. If the therapist isn't helpful, look for a new one and don't let anyone make you feel bad about who you are.
You are a unique person and you have your own life, even though it's not as you wish it were and others have it better. There is still stuff that you like and enjoy doing, right? It's going to be ok, you'll feel better soon.

Jessica Michelle wrote:My member name on here is a female one in order to be anonymous and also express who I am inside. I hope you don't mind.

I am a 33 year old male. I am currently a loser at life. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a girl. When I just turned 13 I even prayed to God that he would take my life and let me reincarnate into a female. I am tormented all the time when I see or interact with women. I just want to be one of them. I fantasize about being one. I put women on the highest pedestal because I am so happy for them. I hate my body and I hate it with a passion. It is ugly. I am tall, have a large nose, and have hair everywhere. I have a pathetic shrinking hairline on top. I don't work out because I detest it as much as I detest masculinity. I don't even try to look like a strong man. I hate my voice and my chest and my shoulders and my threatening face that disguises how gentle that I am inside. This GID issue that I have has caused countless psychological problems mainly including avoidant personality disorder because well I feel DEAD inside. I have no friends either. I have a few family members as friends though. I have never considered a sex change operation and have never thought that they were any good. I still don't think it would work for me. This is just my opinion but yeah I would rather just be a beautiful woman rather then something from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. So that idea has been furthest from my brain.

However, I just found out that they are starting to treat children who have gender identity disorder by stopping puberty around age 12 and giving them hormones of the opposite sex. So this magically turns pre-teen boys into women by the time they are 18! They then have the "surgery" and any physical link between them and possible manhood as opposed to womanhood is gone! I can't begin to say how jealous that I am of this new generation who are actually achieving and doing it right. No male puberty so no Adam's apple, wide shoulders, muscle growth, etc. The human skull I read is basically female for everybody until a boy reaches puberty. There are 19 year old mtf patients who have youtube blogs and they look and are exactly who they want to be to the point that they never bother to mention their condition and just consider themselves young women. They just don't have periods or can get pregnant and have to take a pill everyday for the rest of their lives. That is all.
I wish so bad that I could have been a part of that.

So anyways I have never really told anybody about my issue and people think that other childhood trauma contributed to me being so socially awkward and loathing myself constantly. I do think of suicide sometimes and wonder however I die whether God will allow me to live as a woman in my afterlife whether on Earth or in Heaven. Finding out about these successful transitions in adolescence though has really triggered my interest in transgenders and GID. It's gotten to a point where I am going to be seeing a therapist for the first time and I can't wait to express all of these so very deeply hidden for so wrong...TRUTHS about me. I will finally get to be able to talk about this stuff.

I was happy as a young boy and was pretty feminine...which caused me to be bullied so much. But I was still happy. I did greatly envy the opposite sex though. When I went through puberty I hated it and felt like I could relate so much easier with teenage girls rather then teenage dudes. I wanted to grow up into a girl instead of a boy but knew that would never happen unless I died and came back in another life or something. As time went on a lot of problems arose and I got clinically depressed and have had all sorts of mental issues (that have nothing to do with aggression at least) and I have never been happy since I was about 12. Being a macho tough strong confident and aggressive man is almost as loathsome to me as kissing one.

Yes I am straight. But I would gladly trade that up and worshiping women so much if I could just be one and be able to be true to myself. To express myself. I also would like to find out what it's like to be a woman and be able to love and appreciate everything about men like they do so much. Instead of detesting them like I do now.

This is me. This is where my heart is. At the bottom of all depression and anxiety and self-loathing, and personality disorders...this is what is at the bottom of it all. This is all that I can post now but hopefully I can keep you posted on how my therapy sessions go. I don't know how it will turn out but at least I am ready to talk about this stuff including on here.

Thank you so much for reading this =)

JM

wow i really admire you well im a bit younger than you i am 26 and yeah i pretty much feel the same as you and kudos to you i hope to be me someday with nor problems since society is the main issue in my case including my own family =/ . Im a girl in the inside for now maybe someday that will be possible =3 ...