Transgender Cure

(after decades years I don't feel trans anymore)

I'm very concerned. Very, very, very, very, very concerned. All of my life I have experienced a feeling of being "off". Even in preschool I didn't understand why I didn't have a penis like the other boys did, and why I couldn't urinate on their side of the unisex bathrooms. At summer camp in elementary school, I remember always changing in the bathroom stalls across from the individual lockers where dozens of other girls changed. I felt it inappropriate that I was in there, and was not comfortable changing in front of them. I knew they didn't feel like I did.

From preK-present my sexual orientation and identity have been called into question. In 2006 I had knew what transgender was but never looked into the subject. Then one day I ran the line in my head, "I'm transgender". I immediately stopped myself, actually processed what I had said, and within a week I started saying it. It made sense to me. It all made so much sense, and every symptom I had in regard to identity resembled the term. I began dressing in odd ways trying to find myself, with dramatic styles each day; monday: Ugg boots and bright red lip stick, tuesday: a suit stolen from my little brother's closet, leather moccasins, and blended makeup for facial neutrality; I was androgynous, and accepted an equally ambiguous sexuality.

As of the last few years I've completely embraced the title of non-operative Female-to-Male. I had used many alias' since youth, but finally settled on Max. So, I had come a long way, and was quite happy with myself. I'd long passed the suicidal thoughts about being trans, and having any involvement in the LGBT community in fear of persecution from a deity I didn't believe in. So, I was happily free and inspired many of my peers to embrace their sexualities and identities. I rallied and advocated, and sported a packer almost daily. But then, as of recent, only a few months even, something changed...

I've been on a mood stabilizer for two years now, have more mental clarity and emotional stability, with no instances of suicidal thoughts since I began it. But they return as I get used to the dosage, so I raise it slowly and am functional and content. But after a certain milligram I started feeling less like myself. And it's not an uncomfortable feeling. But my identity, my affirmation of being male, as I always present, as my friends know me as, I feel slipping away. At this very moment I don't feel like a guy. And being one is something I've known as truth since when I was incapable of speech. I may even feel like a female, not entirely, but I'm closer. I've been around my family a lot for the summer and they refuse to use any desirable pronouns, and for once I don't cringe when I'm refereed to as "her". What happened to me? Does this mean that gender dysphoria is a curable imbalance. Was everything a lie, a disorder? I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I can't tell my family because they'd be happy and further make fun of me since they said it was always a phase, and my friends would---well, I'm embarrassed, I don't know how they'd react. I had to tell someone, do any of you have any feedback?

Perhaps - and I'm not sure of your age - but perhaps your body is chemically changing as well? In a developmentally appropriate way.. as we all go through changes as we age. Maybe your body is finally catching up with your mind (or vice versa). I think you should embrace the change and see where it goes. It will either feel good - and right - or it won't. Maybe this is your time to make decisions about who you are inside (and out)? Don't let it be a bad thing.. Your life seems to have always been led by "go with it" - and you've done it well. Now go with this, and see where the journey takes you. Perhaps do it discreetly so that you don't raise the hopes of mom and dad, or - end up confusing friends and other loved ones. Having to explain what you're going through might get tiring - or make you over-think things. Just go with what your body's telling you.. and be grateful that you are so self aware and confident. May I ask which medication you're on? Some meds can have odd effects over time. I'm pretty familiar with most - do you mind sharing? You're very brave for sharing your experience.. hoping all the best for you.

Oh, yes, of course. I'm on Lamictal (Lamotrigine). A mood stabilizer which I allegedly treat for Bipolar disorder, though by my own (uncertified) self diagnosis is Borderline with Epilepsy; Lamicatal can help treat those both, as well.

psycgirl wrote:Oh, yes, of course. I'm on Lamictal (Lamotrigine). A mood stabilizer which I allegedly treat for Bipolar disorder, though by my own (uncertified) self diagnosis is Borderline with Epilepsy; Lamicatal can help treat those both, as well.

Ok - this is a med I'm not familiar with. And I thought I knew them all. Wish I could offer some insight that would be helpful, but I'll stick with my original direction which was to encourage you to take the journey, and see where it goes. But so that you don't have the added pressure of feeling like you've let people down, take the journey discreetly - explore your new feelings 100%. Choose what makes you feel most at peace. I hope everything works out for you!

psycgirl wrote:(after decades years I don't feel trans anymore)

This happened to a MTF friend of mine as she started getting near 40. I really do agree that it might just be a hormonal change with age. Or maybe a hormonal change with your meds. (She's better now, btw.)

(I consider myself "gender questionable". I personally don't hold to this whole binary concept. )

Definitely take the time for some introspection to find out what's most comfortable for you. You don't have to pick something that's been defined by someone else. Whatever word you choose, you're still you.

And you definitely don't have to feel bad about "changing your mind". Changing your mind is natural, not a crime or a sin (even though some people act like it is).

I marvel at your clarity, courage and introspective nature. I struggle too with changing my mind or going through phases and I completely understand the need to feel respected and genuine not only by your family but also by yourself. I fall into a similar place as you bio female feeling male but for me I repressed this so strongly for a variety of reasons I'm just acknowledging it now, later in life. Which in some ways I feel so ashamed for being so blind. But accepting the male side of me has been a revelation. I am actually starting to know who I am. So when i read your post I understand your confusion but am motivated by your journey. Thank you for posting. I agree with the suggesting that if you are comfortable with the she part for a while, go with it. You know sometimes I love ice cream and sometimes I hate it and I don't mean to trivialize gender identity down to the level of ice cream but seriously I would be in a deep dark hole of depression if I didn't lighten it a little (for me). Can I ask about when people refer to you as a she (your family) do you not cringe because you feel like a she or because you are more tolerant or care less about what other people think? This might be a new space for you - not worrying as much about the judgement of others. How about an effeminate male? Does this strike a chord. It is just another place on the spectrum - so maybe you have slid over a bit to the female side, but don't let this make you think you were wrong all of these years, or that GI issues are a curable condition. You are who you are even if you change one day to the next. hang in there!