splitting of self - mixed gender identity

Im a 35 year old biological female and I appear to have some gender dysphoria or identity issues. I've had particular desires to be male for a long time, however only through psychotherapy I have realized that they have probably been there since I was a small kid, just strongly repressed (I have an overtly narcissistic mother and a covertly narc father who is probably sexist). I approached my therapist originally to deal with my issues with my parents and severe anxiety and mild depression and as an awareness of my mother being, quite frankly, an effin bit, and that not every woman was like my mother, my repressed attraction to women came to the forefront which is problematic since I am married to a male. Recently my therapist warned me of my splitting - referring to parts of me as my himself and my herself. I feel that, if anxiety is the manifestation of an internal conflict, my him and her hating each so much are the root cause. From what I read this seems to be a vertical split of incongruent thoughts and opinions, beliefs. I'm not trained in psychology but I feel as by becoming aware of my repressed male self, I have turned a horizontal split to a vertical split. Is this possible? My therapist has advised that splitting is not a good thing and that a more unified self with male and female attributes is the desired goal. This has made me very angry at him because, I think, both my he self and she self are struggling to be accepted, him because he has been voiceless for so long and her because she has been successful despite all of the challenges of never feeling female (I have a great career, a great husband, and the two best kids on the planet). I know I should go back to him but I feel I have rejected him or lost trust, which leads to regret of even opening this can of worms in the first place.

Your shrink is trying to do what's best for you.

Gender identity is tricky. It can lead to a lot of self-hatred and I can easily see how he would think that your splitting could lead to a lot of inner conflict, and thus turmoil. He wasn't trying to complicate anything, just looking out for your well-being.

He wants the whole of you to be accepted, not split as HE or SHE, that's all.

I would recommend going back and talking with him. If you're angry, you tell him why. He's there for you're benefit, not to attack you.

For a while I've been working with MY shrink to gain a gender. I'm a biological female, but I don't identify with that... I don't feel like a guy either. I'm nothing. It's not more healthy than being both, I can tell you that... shopping is hellish, I'm constantly wondering... But the first thing that I had to accept was that I needed to accept myself. No matter what I'm me. No a he or a she, just... me, and if I'm a he or she is second to that acceptance. Still important, but second, really.

I'm not defined by what gender I might identify with, and you shouldn't be either.

See the guy. Yell at him, if you want, but don't give him up just because he struck a cord. He's supposed to, otherwise he can't make progress.

<3

Thanks SmileXx your comments are reassuring that some day I might find myself in a place of acceptance. Right now it just simply pisses me off and I know I am projecting this onto my therapist, but that is how it is. I find your comment Not female or not male interesting and have asked myself if the things I ascribe to being male are just the "not female" and the female things really the "not male" falling in line with gender stereotyping in our society. Yes I think some of some things. Behaviour, thoughts, the sexist part of me I place as male only because the fem dominant side of me won't take that crap. But neither is a really interesting place as a central point on the male-female spectrum. A person that is what you are, in your own place on the spectrum, or off. I envy the people who find their spot on the spectrum, you know, whether they know they are female, male, trans, neutral, whatever. I find myself bouncing around, and I am highly critical of that and I challenge myself on authenticity. Shopping is hard too (why can't mens shoes be made one or 2 sizes smaller because womens shoes are lame) I buy womens clothes for when I want to me more female (which me and my therapist have decided it is more like role play) and gender neutral for the rest of the time, well as gender neutral as you can get without looking dumpy. But then when it is time to clean out the closet and dump old clothes I cant deal with the dichotomy in the wardrobe (why do I have this prissy crap) or when I feel I need to look professional (why dont I have any nice, more formal clothes). It was fine in my 20s as I could go anywhere looking like a skater girl, but alas i am not longer a grad student.......What tangent my point is I feel highly conflicted both in gender and sexual orientation (I'm clearly bi but preference changes based on whether I feel male of female). Tell me what's next? Alien sex.... maybe it is less complicated....

Alien sex sounds fun... Venusians? Yes... Venusians...

I'm bisexual... and gender neutral.
I'm essentially a big nothing. Hahaha...
My point is that I'm right there with you.
I have guy clothes, I have girl clothes, I usually hate both, lol.

I can't tell you what is going to make it better. I don't know.
If I stumble onto it, I'll be sure to share, but in the meantime, you have to learn to love yourself.
All of yourself.
That's hard... but it gets easier with practice.
The more you love yourself, the less you worry about the question of... ya know.
I don't think about it much anymore. It's still distressing, but it's easier now.

<3 Just remember you're not alone, and it's okay. Things will makes sense... eventually.

I'm trying to take your advice, but .....wtf, i can't get a handle on it.

I feel like I have multiple selves or states, or emotional beings. Not in a DID sense but there are some similarities.

I have this male self. He is male, wants to do male things, hang out with guys, he feels make and is male. Dressing etc more male doesn't help him too much because he is not a girl dressed as a guy he is just a guy. He hates being addressed as or called a girl, or when he is around he hates having to speak with the women as a women at social gatherings. He often wishes women would stop wanting to be his friend, and he pushes them away. He is a great DAD to my kids though and a good buddy to my husband.

Then I have this she self. She is ok with being a girl, more of a tomboyish one, not a girly girly though. She likes hanging with some girls, she LOVES being a mom. She's complicated, because one one hand she is proud of herself (secretively) but she believes all the sexist crap my him feeds her. She has low self-esteem but is stubborn and gets things done.

As I mentioned above, they don't like each other very much. He is sexist and she is an accomplished female. They can drive me nuts.

Then I have this other emotional state which has bothered me in the past few years and I have really only started directly addressing her this month. She is triggered by family (parents, siblings, sometimes husband, never by my kids). She is silent, withdrawn, she can barely speak but inside she is screaming at the top of her lungs, non stop, it's weird but it is so loud it is like I cannot listen to anything around me. but outside there is no voice, nothing, I am quiet. I have been bothered by this behaviour over the past few years and I really cannot control it. It consumes me and I cannot snap out of it. Finally this month she was lingering after my parents left and I didn't know what to do so I told her to go away and we (my he and she) would protect her. And she did I was able to snap out of it. But do you think it is all in my head, that I could have snapped out of it anyways?

I do have a therapist and I have yet to tell him this so clearly, it is really just coming together in my mind. But also I have serious trust/vulnerability issues. when I feel vulnerable she, the depressed one, jumps out and pulls down the iron curtain all around me, and I lock up and don't speak. I know he (therapist) is here to help but...... bit by bit, I'm scared of it all too.

I've been reading the DID/DIDNOS forums and it is not like people describe really. No loss of time, or anything like taht. i'm not sure of people's awareness of their otherselves, but i am aware completely, they are more like separate emotional states with different feelings of self, different opinions, needs and desires which have their own way of coming and going.

I think why it is bothering me is that I feel like I cannot control who I am each day and it is harder and harder to kick my self out of a place I don't want to be (like a sexist male when hanging out with girls, or a depressed child/teenager). I can deal with it all better when I am on the SSRI, but I'm not sure it is control but rather tolerance.

I would be grateful for any thoughts. I want to find a way to deal with this better.

Sam

Just take it a day at a time.
It's not easy. There's not perfect, easy answer.
You just find a way that works...

You can PM me anytime...
I'm always here for you. It's what I'm here FOR...

TRY to trust your shrink.
I know it's hard... but they're there to help you, really.
It takes some getting used to, I know, but it's really what's best for you.
In the meantime, you always have me.

<3

thanks SmileXx I appreciate it......

Anytime Sammypants.

Can some one please delete this thread

-- Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:39 am --

or at least my posts in it

It sounds like you may be bi-gendered, where a person is both male and female. For most one gender tends to be dominant at any given time, and tends to follow a cyclical pattern. I'm that way.

If you are then you're not crazy, or "splitting" at all.

Think about it...Psychology is the field that pronounced homosexuality as a mental illness. Up until recently being trans, or GID, was pronounced a mental illness.

Then there's the stark reality that much of the gender binary has been made by Western thought. and that such a construct has been made by cis-gendered men. Not to mention that many cultures don't have such a rigid gender binary at all...for instance, many Native American tribes had high esteem for bigendered folks for their completeness (they called them two spirits).

Read up on it, it may clarify some things...honestly, I think your shrink is the one that's out of the loop. If you are then you'll have to make peace with your genders and renegotiate your life accordingly.