what its like to b me..

Okay well to start things off i am a guy, but heres how my life is....i started off going to a day care when i was younger and i was the only boy, none of the other children would play with me because i was a boy, so i started playing with girl toys just so i could "fit in", i went to this day care most of my childhood up until kindergarten, as i went to kindergarten i was teased and made fun of really bad because i was so girly, at home i was always around my mother, she loved me and showed me alot of affection and so did my grandmother, every man in my life has dissapointed me, my father has always been verbally abusive and mean to me, i was TORMENTED in elementary school and middle school, kids would be so mean to me and when id come home my dad said if he was in my class he would make fun of me too, i was 8 or 9 years old and even my own dad would make fun of me, i hated being at school because of all the other kids but i hated being at home because my dad was so mean to me, he would always talk down to me and because of all the mannerisms i picked up when i was younger being sort of girly came natural because i never really had that male role model, and every time i would do anything remotely feminine my dad would talk down to me and say i dont need to "act like a #######1", now that i am older i am much more masculine, and people dont make fun of me at all any more but the thing is, is i want people to see me as masculine but also feminine, i always envied females, there are so many perks to being a girl, you get doors opened for you, you can do anything, the female body is so beautiful, and seeing all these women being told they are beautiful makes me envious, i want to be seen as beautiful by EVERYONE, but the thing is i dont want people to think i act feminine, this is going to sound weird but i sometimes wish every single person in the world would be female, i honestly hate men, every single one in my life has disappointed me, i am only attracted to females sexually, i want people to see me as someone who acts manly and is masculine but can use some sort of beauty to have an "upper hand" in life, i want everyone including males, females, fat people, ugly peple, to see me as attractive and turn heads when i walk in a room like a beautiful woman would, but i dont want them to see me as acting like a girl, except maybe being "bitchy" in a masculine way, im not sure

I am not sure about helping you with your problem but I did want to congratulate you on the longest sentence I have ever seen. That's quite an accomplishment. It sounds to me like you are very confused and don't know what you want. I would suggest finding a good therapist and talking to her about it. Obviously you have trust issues with men so your therapist should be a woman. The other thing I would advise is to not blame everything on you past. Today is a new day, and you can choose how you want to live it.