Is gender really inborn? Or society made me a "guy".

Hi all, first I'd like to say English is my second language so pardon me if there's something wrong

I was wondering if my gender identity is inborn, or it's shaped to be more masculine by different factors in my life.

I'm a 17 year old female and currently a college third-year student. In all my life I have had limited socialization. When I question my gender identity, I tried to think about days when I was young and I remember having a "not too strong" feeling of feeling like a boy, but definitely not a girl either. But the things that happened afterwards were blurred by a series of depressing events: I went to school early and everyone treated me as a little sister. I'm a stutterer so it's a pain for me when I speak almost anything, and my parents don't really communicate with me, and the girls in the school had their "bigger girl" secrets to talk about and sometimes left me alone in the corner. I remember feeling very lonely and out of place.

In eighth (not tenth:P) grade my parents decided to cut my hair short. I was only ten by that time. Before that I didn't feel much about my long hair or thought it was beautiful, but I think cutting it off really added to my masculinity. I became this girl with a boy's haircut walking around in the school. I was lonely and shy. But in 11th grade a girl liked me and treated me as her boyfriend. I didn't really have feelings about her but we fooled around in my house kissing for hours on end..

And after that I went to college at 15, and I was still pointed at the first few days, but luckily I settled in my new class, not really happy but still feeling okay. Meanwhile I'm still very uncomfortable about me being picked out and treated differently. I felt like a boy more and more and people say I give them this kind of feeling too. My third year in college is an important year for me, I was growing mature in all aspects, and considering the fact that I finally learned much about gender identities, queer theories... With that I began to look into my gender. I feel like a boy, and I feel it more and more throughout the years. But is it because men can be silent and not so verbal, so that gives me less pressure, or they are generally considered more capable than women? So I subconsciously identify with men? (Girls are supposed to talk and smile and NOT stutter or they would be very unattractive while guys can have no facial expression all day.) All these questions pondered in my mind and there's no answer. I hear transgendered people hate their bodies and strongly believe that they actually ARE their chosen gender. But I differ from them because I don't hate my body, I don't hate my period or breasts (though I feel uncomfortable about them and want to hide them), and I admit that I'm a girl, not a boy, because I still am not a boy. But I enjoy things boys like and think like a guy. Instead of painting my fingernails and shopping around in the streets, I would much rather wearing a T-shirt and jeans and drinking beer and lying on my bed daydreaming.

I don't often have social contacts with guys. In fact I'm majored in English, and the ratio of girls to guys is 8:1. I feel inferior whenever I face a guy in my class. (In my family my dad and brother are both very forceful and I was scared of them when I was young.) And I'm shorter than them and younger than those guys. I think it's more of like a silly "guy comparison" thing about height weight and stuff. Besides, they see me as a little girl and try to take care of me as a big brother. I hate that, because I only want to be myself and be seen in the image I want to be. When I'm with girls I do feel like a guy. I have a girlfriend in college and I enjoy doing everything with her and she attracts me like no other. When facing her I'm just a guy..and she supports my transition if I wish to do it one day.

Now I am still feeling confused about my gender identity. My gender identity, if I have any, is not strong enough to make me rush to be one of either gender. But I think I would be so much happier if I'm hanging out with the people of my age and if I didn't stutter, whether I'm a boy or a girl. Lack of socialization results in lack of self-understanding and this has certainly contributed to some of my confusions. You never know how you feel about something unless you try. My life experience is pretty blank so I haven't tried much of anything. But this has been an extraordinary year because I have so many things to think about and I'm working hard for going to America to finish my postgraduate studies. If I go to America I might take testosterone and really live the life I've never lived. But will I regret it? I'm not sure. I'm willing to do it if it makes me happy, and I'm not scared of anything that I set my mind to, but I'm just considering the possibility that I might regret it.

I'm sorry if I rambled for so long. There's no gender therapist in this country apart from those who think gender identity disorder is a mental problem and I don't want to go to them. I will be happy to see any reply if there is one. Thank you so much for reading this long. I poured out my deepest feelings here and would like to hear some opinions from other people.

Hi, kingpot! Maybe you're just between male and female on the gender identity "scale". I've actually heard other people talk about it. You could try to concentrate on what makes you feel better about yourself in person, find stuff you're good at, people you enjoy hanging out with. Maybe that will help you figure out if you want to live as male or female. But my advice is that you should just do what makes you comfortable.

jasmin wrote:Hi, kingpot! Maybe you're just between male and female on the gender identity "scale". I've actually heard other people talk about it. You could try to concentrate on what makes you feel better about yourself in person, find stuff you're good at, people you enjoy hanging out with. Maybe that will help you figure out if you want to live as male or female. But my advice is that you should just do what makes you comfortable.

Hi Jasmin! I'm so glad you replied. Thank you so much for your empathy I realized, too, that my question is probably very long and confusing and I feel like I'm whining but you still replied and it was very inspiring. Yes this might be hard but not a hurdle preventing me from bettering other parts of my life. I'm actually working on it now, and in fact from day to day I realize more and more that I'm a transguy. So thank you very much Jasmin

And just a little correction guys: I made a mistake in speaking about my experience of growing up. My parents cut off my long hair in 8th grade, not in 10th. So that's it;) I couldn't possibly be THAT young.

Cool, so you're figuring out your identity You're not whining, lol.