Lost Soul new here

Hello ,I am new here .
I will try to be as briefly as I can ...ok ?I apologize for errors ...english is not my mother tongue ...
I am nearly 30 years old ,I am a biological male .
Since I was 6 years old I wished I could became a girl and live my life in the right way . I never talked about my feelings to my parents nor to friends .I had the feeling that I was wrong ...broken ...so no one really knew this until adolescence .
I told about me to my mother .She didn't understand me ,I didn't keep on trying ...and things remain same for a couple of years .
I used the Internet to know other people like me ...I knew some wonderful friends similar to me ...I foolishly felt in love with a boy I never saw in real life ...and I knew a pre-op transsexual who gave me hormones .I was 16 years old ...and felt my dream can became true .
So I started taking hormones ...see my body start changing ...but after 4 months my parents accidentally found hormones .I can't get out of my mind that horrible day .
Obviously I stopped taking hormones .
I was visited by a psychiatrist for about a month ...
I was visited by an endocrinologist ...
My parents didn't support me ...I really felt I was alone .I could not face all that pressure ,I started not talk with friends knew in Internet ,I started to freeze my heart ...I decided to stop going to psychiatrist and other doctors.
Yes ,it was just my fault .That was the way I killed myself .
I completed high school and university with good results .
I have a job ,and I like what I do .
I don't have friends ,I can't get in touch with other people .I always feel distant to everybody .
I never had romance ,nor I desire it .
I never had sex ,nor I desire it .
I have no aim ,no purpose or ambition .
I just do activities which can help me not thinking .
Usually I don't feel strong feelings ...it is like my heart became piece of ice .
But sometimes I can't avoid thinking again about these events ...and having a lot of regrets .Maybe Elisa could be saved ,she didn't deserve that unhappy fate .
I feel split .I am not the person I used to be years ago .That person died years ago .
I don't think about suicide ...not seriously .But now I watch life with a lot of disenchant .Too much a person can sustain .I don't trust no one ,I don't believe in all those nice things I used to believe years ago .I see life just like a zero sum game .No one wins .No one lose really .Maybe it's just all useless .
In a few months it will be an important anniversary of that horrible day ,when all started to end .I will remember it going in the place I was when my parents found out what I was doing ...reading my diares ...listen to my music .And maybe cry .

There is a game I like to play
I like to hit the town on Friday night
And stay in bed until Sunday
We'll always be this free
We will be living for the love we have
Living not for reality

It's not my imagination...
Not my...

Hi, losteli! You are still young and you can have a life. Please don't give up on trying to be the person you really are on the inside. You could find a therapist who understands this stuff, to give you support and maybe you could find others like you too and meet them. Even if it takes a while, it won't take forever. You have to find a way to be yourself some day.
I'm sorry your parents didn't support you or try to understand what it's like for you. It is very unfair.

Thank you jasmin for answering me ...but I am completely disenchanted by life .Your words are wise ...but I think the person I really am don't exist anymore ...I feel I am a different person .It seems I don't enjoy stay with people ...maybe not enjoy people at all ,all seems void .Would it better try to find a therapist instead of "live" this way ?Maybe I could take some medicine that can improve my mood and let me feel less "depressed" (ahhh ...those chemical miracles !) ...and then ?Probably if tomorrow I woke up and be a girl ,nothing in the way I see the world would change .I am in a vicious circle and I really don't see way out .It's like events in my life just switched me off ...and I am really alone .Maybe I would not have real chance to became and pass as a girl if I continued taking hormones years ago ...maybe the situation would be worse than is today ...maybe I just cannot have chance to be me and deserve the fate which I have to accept .Just a defective item which is better to throw out instead of lose time on trying to repair it .Maybe this post is so melodramatic ...sorry for this ...but I really need to pour out my heart to somebody ...I don't feel good ...I am not having a good time ...sorry ...sorry .

Please pour your heart out! Maybe a good (be careful, there are a lot of bad ones who have prejudices) therapist could help you figure out if you still want to live as a woman and yes, maybe they could help improve your mood. You've been hurt a lot and forced to live as someone else, nobody deserves that. You don't have to rush into doing anything, just talk about what's going on and your feelings.

NO no pal...at least u have us like net friends, be free to post here and will try to help you!

I feel a bit better now, thanks for your replies and support.
I found again some of my old friends I had 10 years ago... know new friends (unfortunately they are all a bit far from me), I am slowly starting taking care of me, started losing weight I gained to compensate my depression... started trying to feminize my look (also: slowly... but...) and I am trying to start the path to find again myself and maybe found a way to live... but I have to say that I feel that the psychologist is not judging me well... for the story of hormones took in that way... for the fact I don't have a strong feminine look (hair... but I used to have male cuts for years and they took time to grow... clothing... etc etc)... because I have difficult to explain how these thoughs and feelings originated. The problem is that I know what I feel, what I felt when I was younger, thoughs about being a boy instead of a girl, what I "envied" in females... but I don't remember why I felt for the first time the desire of being a girl and not a boy. For him is really strange and is not ok... well, this demoralize me, but if necessary I would turn to another specialist, or look for some center who follows wpath protocol... don't know. What do you think... maybe I am mad? All people who lives with this condition remember well how all originated?
I just know that I feel sure that I don't want to "live" as I used to do in these years, I feel that my big problem is that I have a lack of self confidence (self esteem < 0... ) and need the others to support me or at least not frustate my "plans". The good thing is that now I feel motivated!

Losteli, there must be a lot of psychs who think this is not ok, especially in countries where people aren't very open minded (I know because I've had an experience with a bad psych too, but regarding a different kind of issue). If this person is making you feel bad, find someone new, maybe someone who you know is open to this stuff. And if you can't, you could look for a community of other people who feel the way you do. Always remember to stay safe and be careful who you trust, though.

He is somewhat a specialist in this field... but I feel he has difficult to understand me as a person, before as a person with gid.

Oh, so he helps people with GID live as they want to live? Or does he try to "cure" them?
Hmmmm, maybe you have to do a bit more introspection or just explain that you don't remember everything.

Helps people with GID... that's ok, of course if he isn't sure about a person, he "stops" her. But the problem seems to me to be before this point... I feel he usually misunderstand my words and thoughts, and some impressions he has about me and told to me are wrong. He also misunderstands wheter I am worried or not, and this is not about the gid. I don't know... I talked to him about my life and feelings, wrote about my life experience... but for him is really important to know how all started... I can have hypothesis but it's difficult for me to go back when I was 5-6 years old and know what came in my mind.