Really kind of always wanted to be a girl

I hope I can write this without it becoming a wall of text...I'm just going to apologize in advance, in case it does.

I am a 24 year old male. And I've been fantasizing about being a girl/woman since I was...maybe five years old. I played with barbies as a lad. I was partial to house...although as I recall, when we played house I was generally the offensive female stereotype. Always being poisoned or kidnapped or...whatever. I was a really awkward kid all though school. So...lots of bullying and teasing.

Anyway. I want to wear my hair long. Like down to my butt. I always visualized myself cuddling up beside someone so they could brush it for me. A little weird I guess, but...I dunno. And I always wanted to wear pretty things. Skirts and fuzzy sweaters and cute shoes. I wanted to be seductive and wear lingerie. I wanted to be nurturing and cuddly. I want to be able to express my emotions honestly, which is something I've never been able to do. Which is why I probably seem like such an emotionless husk today to people who know me.

I feel like if I don't do something, the depression I'm suffering from is just going to get worse and worse. But on the other hand, I'm not an unattractive guy. I just feel like if I were to go through with a transition, that I would be doomed to a live alone - that I'd be the scary trans-gender stereotype you see in Adam Sandler movies or whatever. I'm tall. I have short legs. Like 6'3" with about a 30" inseam. Long torso...giant man head. I wear size 13 (US) shoes. I've already completed puberty and all of my male hormones have already laid claim to me. I have body hair and a deep voice and an adam's apple. I have a giant forehead, fine hair, and a debateably thinning hairline.

I mean, maybe that's all shallow of me...but I feel so trapped. Like I'm being forced to just accept my life as a moderately attractive man and shut up about it OR...I can live alone as a completely unattractive woman, fearful of looking at or speaking to the wrong kind of person and getting dragged behind some guy's truck.

And it doesn't help that my family is conservative and extremely unsupportive. My stepmom is one thing. I told her I might be gay and she was really okay with it. Like she was asking me questions and just wanted to talk about it. There was no confrontation...she didn't even tell my dad. She ended up asking me about it later and I told her that I think I maybe had a different problem and that I was looking into it, and that on second thought I wasn't really sure if I was gay or not.

But my brother is one of those guys who has no inkling what it means. Like he actually said the following: "I don't mind gay people as long as they don't hit on me. I'll ###$ them up, then." and also, immediately after that he said something like: "Transsexuals are ###$ up though." So, my brother, who I have a good relationship with, has just outed himself as someone who would strongly disapprove of me if I was living honestly with myself. My dad refers to gays and trans people as deviants and perverts, and views their pushes for equality as a cry for special treatment or something. And I mean...he says these kinds of things on a regular basis.

And he's never taken me seriously. I think that if I told him I was a transgendered person, he'd just tell me to shut up and stop being an idiot. Whether I had talked to a professional or not. Which I haven't, because I can't afford to. And if I came out to them and he disowned me or something...what if that affected his marriage? What if she ended up divorcing him for acting the asshole? He's my dad...I can't do that to him. Bigot or not.

I don't have money for surgeries or hormonal treatments anyway...I haven't even got the slightest idea what they cost...but I can tell you that I'd live in utter poverty for the rest of my life if I only had the opportunity to live it as a woman.

I don't even know what I'm asking for, here. Can someone just talk to me? Ask me questions? My head is swimming.

Hey Angora. I appreciated reading your post - I'm trying to figure out some of the same stuff in my life, and what you wrote really rang true. I don't know if I'm actually trans...I thought I was, a few years ago, but I have serious depression and anxiety about that as well as other aspects of my life, and I got so caught up in medication trouble and trying to work through my social anxiety, that I haven't really made any progress figuring anything out

One of the tricky questions about trans is whether it's a mental problem to be treated or a physical problem to be changed, and thus corrected. I would say for the most part, treating it as a mental disorder (a type of BDD) is counterproductive, because what you feel is real, and I expect that your best case scenario would be to come to terms with your femininity, not "get over" it. On the other hand, I have some BDD-ish issues concerning "masculine" hair growth, and while I may wish I didn't have this testosterone causing it, my obsession over it is really OCD and BDD-ish.

It's great that your step-mom is somewhat supportive. Even having one ally can be amazing. Did you ever talk to her about your gender concerns? It's your call whether you're ready to talk to someone about it, and whether you think she'd be okay with it, but given how well she accepted you thinking you were gay, and without outing you to anyone else, I'd imagine she might be a great person to talk to.

If you want to talk to more people online who are specifically trans, check out this site: lauras-playground.com/chat.htm

That site has been invaluable to me, when I've been feeling really really down about my gender.

I wish that I could offer more personal support from my own experience...but as I said, I've kind of been sidetracked by other concerns, and so don't really have much more experience in this area than you do. Six months ago I went off antidepressant medication, because I thought it would help me feel things more fully, get more in touch with myself, etc. But it seems like it mostly just cranked up the levels on all my anxieties, and I've been less in touch with myself as a result. I may be going back on an antidepressant in the near future... But at the time being, I'm just too overwhelmed for gender or sexuality to be at the front of my mind.

Edit: I just registered, and thought this was a BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) site because I found that section first, which is why I brought it up at all in my post here. You didn't give any indication of concern about that, so you can disregard that!