Does anybody else feel this way?

OK, I'm a 36 year old guy. I've always been sexually attracted to woman and never to men, even though every girl in the world finds me to be repulsive and ugly and for that I think they are all evil. When I was a kid I've always liked doing mostly boys things like playing with small cars and Lego, and would rather have a motorcycle than a horse. I would usually play by myself, constructing things out of lego and pushing little hotwheels cars around. I didn't mind playing Barbie with my sister once in awhile. I've been into computers ever since I was a teenager. I like to write PHP scripts, and play around in Linux. I liked watching mostly boy's TV shows. I like some chic flics like Fried Green Tomatoes, but mostly action, comedy and horror films, but oddly I've always preferred to watch The Little Mermaid over Aladin.

The thing is whenever I see a woman that looks pretty, I feel like I want to be her. I want to wear what she's wearing and look pretty like her. I've always been afraid to come out of the closet and tell anyone about how I feel because I feel strange about it and afraid of ridicule. At times I wish I was a female. Even when I was a kid.

Not only do I feel like this but at the same time I'm also curious what it's like to wear some of the things they wear. I've went as far as to buy some things and try them on at home only to find them to be more comfortable than I could ever imagine. I especially like to wear things with spandex in them such as leotards and bodysuits, tights and body stockings, and things that are bright and colorful or shiny as well, but I will never go out in public in them. There are lots of things that I am still curious about because I've never had the courage to go out and buy or wear them. They range from lingerie to things like shiny lip gloss and even high heels. I've seen some chicks with this neat eye makeup design on their face and would love to do something like that if I had the courage to.

I've also been curious what it would be like to conceive a baby and go through all those things that woman have to go through in the process.

I've been wearing thong underwear for about 5+ years, but I prefer the man's ones because they are designed to cover my package in ways that woman's underwear usually don't, but prefer lots of other woman's things over man's, such as woman's leotards even though they do make them for men as well, but they have very limited selections for men and no choice in colors or style and designs, and only available in online stores. I also find that when I am in a department store, the woman's clothing section is much larger than the man's and it's like a rainbow hovering over their section with all the colors and styles while a dark thunder cloud hovering over our section due to the lack of colors and styles.

Recently I started painting my fingernails. I got into this when I saw these nail stamp by Konad a couple years ago and thought that it was so neat. Then I got this idea for doing a camouflage pattern using them and people have actually complimented me on them.

Recently they've been making products for men like a murse, and even cosmetic for men like 4voo. I've even had man's hand lotion but didn't like the greasy feeling on my hands when I tried it. I don't want man's versions of what was feminine because they are just not the same.

With the internet and most stores putting in self checkout stands, it's getting much easier to buy lots of woman's clothes than it's ever been, instead of pretending to be buying it for someone, because nobody has to see me scanning them or placing an order on a Web page.

So am I alone in the way I feel? Where would I fit in?

It sounds like you might have the condition known as autogynephilia. Autogynephiles are usually hyper-masculine in their male life: heterosexual, married, children, sometimes military service, etc. and are actually so in love with the female form to the point of longing to possess it.

I had actually never even heard of this condition until about 10 years ago. I think it's mostly due to the fact that so many male-to-females who feel this way are reluctant to openly talk about. Even to the point of lying as to how their transgender feelings came about and their desire to change gender. I know one transsexual in particular who did this. At first stating "she" became sexually aroused while wearing feminine attire, but later denying she had said this once she went full-time as a female. She wouldn't even admit she had been married and had sex with women. Never mind that she had fathered two children in this marriage.

I've heard that some have resorted to recommended low dose female hormone treatment - instead of transition - which has been shown to reduce the desire for autogynephiles to change sex as it lessens their libidos and thus thwarts the fetish of "loving women to the extent they wish to possess the female as the self."

Thanks for the reply. After reading your response, I was reading about it on Wikipedia, and it pretty much seems more fitting to me than GID.

So what would be the next step to take from there? I don't even know if I could face a doctor to tell them this about me. I mean it is really humiliating for me.

A couple things I forgot to mention is that I feel like I'm the only guy in the world that doesn't enjoy watching sports. Most people here (Canada) are into Hockey but I can't stand to watch it or most other sports. It's just boring to me. The only exceptions are auto, boat or dirt bike racing and wrestling and I'm barely into those, plus wrestling isn't really a sport.

I also enjoy going to shopping malls, but mostly enjoy going to shops like Radio Shack(now The Source) or Future Shop and Best Buy. Most guys don't usually enjoy hanging out in malls. Not even in these stores.

Hi SpandXQueen,

thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that takes courage, but talking about your feelings is the first step on the path to discover who you are.

I don't really believe in the theory of autogynephilia, because fetichism seems to be very common even in transgender women who later underwent sex reassignment surgery and benefitted from it. As an example Anne Lawrence demonstrated in a study of 232 operated women, 49% had experienced hundreds of episodes of sexual satisfaction in combination with dressing up, yet all but three persons, as I recall, described an improvement in quality of life after the operation.(1)

When I read your post I sense a lot of shame about your feelings and I think that is where you should start if you want to be free to find out who you really are. I really recommend experimenting a lot with gender play in your situation, because i think that is the only way one will really learn what feels right. You may find a gender therapist helpful in this process as well as sharing thoughts here or in a specialized forum such as Susan's Place Transgender Forum.
Remember it's okay to take things at a slow pace if you like and that your path would not necessarily be the same as the one of another transgender person. You may find your path has another destination too. We are all individuals, each one of us.



Good luck on your journey of discovery

Tippe

(1) Lawrence, AA. Sexuality Before and After Male-to-Female Sex Reassignment Surgery. Archives of Sexual Behavior, Vol 34(2), Apr, 2005. pp. 147-166.

[quote]OK, I'm a 36 year old guy. I've always been sexually attracted to woman and never to men, even though every girl in the world finds me to be repulsive and ugly and for that I think they are all evil. When I was a kid I've always liked doing mostly boys things like playing with small cars and Lego, and would rather have a motorcycle than a horse. I would usually play by myself, constructing things out of lego and pushing little hotwheels cars around. I didn't mind playing Barbie with my sister once in awhile. I've been into computers ever since I was a teenager. I like to write PHP scripts, and play around in Linux. I liked watching mostly boy's TV shows. I like some chic flics like Fried Green Tomatoes, but mostly action, comedy and horror films, but oddly I've always preferred to watch The Little Mermaid over Aladin.{/quote]

OMG. My experience is much parallel to yours in many ways, and yet so different. In fact I do Linux since 1992 so that is really uncanny. Also I liked the usual things that boys did growing up as well as some very unusual things. I have always been called Ugly since I was a small child at various times growing up. Do you realize how hurtful it is for a boy in the 7th grade to hear girls laugh at you and call you ugly? At a very early age as a baby my mother and sister would dress me up in little girls clothes. The practice stopped around the age of 4 but I still remember having my little girls dress hidden in my clothes dresser and would look at it and wish I could wear it for years after. At 4 or so my life took a drastic change for the worse, I was involved in child porn first by women and then by men and was forceably sodomozied at various times through out my childhood, in addition to being forced to do child pornos. So by the time I was a teenager, I had a full blown sexual addiction and since I had been sexually de-sensitized at an early age, various sexual perversions were not a big deal for me.

I was born as a small framed boy. As a child growing up I could very easily be mistaken as being a very pretty girl. At the age of 10 an 18 year old teenaged girl convinced me to allow her to dress me up as a girl just for kicks. I said ok and let her do as she wished. She gave me a drink of something that was supposed to relax me, and relax me it did as it put me to sleep. When I awakened I was a Girl! I was entirely enchanted by what I saw in the mirror! She had transformed me into the most beautiful girl I had ever seen! We had sex. After that she would dress me up in different cute preteen girl outfits and would take photos of me. She taught me how to be a child model and pose for the camera etc. Anyone looking at these photos from this era absolutely could not tell I was anything but a girl - a very pretty and beautiful girl. When I was a boy, I was ugly and creepy looking. When I was a girl, I was absolutely beautiful, pretty and sexy! And everyone who saw me when I was a girl would complement me on how pretty and beautiful I was! I got to the point that I craved being told I was pretty and would go through serious depression if I was not told this! (My experience as a child model is that most models need to be constantly told they are beautiful - I now wonder if they were also guys pretending to be girls like I was)

So growing up I was a closet girl child model. I would hang out with girls much older than I (real girls) and sometimes we would spend the day getting our hair and nails done, having lunch and then head over to Paris Royal and other places and try on cute girl outfits (yes - the gals knew I was a preteen/teen boy). This was especially true during the summer months when I was out of school. Oh the fun I had as it just didn't get any better than this! I have to stress that I was not attracted to men and a lot of people thought I was gay or a sissy because I just didn't act like the other guys. Thus I grew up basically hating men and enjoying being a girl. Never-the-less, I was exposed to bisexual sex as a consequence of the porngraphy. I was sexually attracted to girls, wanted to have sex with them and also wanted to be them. I would admire myself in the mirror and remember being astounded at how beautiful I was and would even want to have sex with myself! I learned how to be sexy,exotic, erotic even. There were some girls who grew jealous of me because I was prettier and sexier than they were and as a result the vindictive creatures really caused me a lot of trouble and grief growing up - I mean, boys who they liked were attacted to me and not them, and I have to admit that I did get off on this very much and would taunt and flirt with them in front of some of the gals, but I really was not attracted to them. Oh how I just adored being a preteen and teenaged girl. It just wouldn't happen often enough!

As an adult I had fetishes that included me and my gal pal to dress up in sexy lingere amongst other things. I am somewhat of a social recluse. Guys think I am gay because I could care less about Monday night football and If I do socialize, I always always always hang with the girls. I can't stand being around all the BS.. . The Girls facinate me though and I never can get enough of listening to them and secretly wanting to be like them - pretty, beautiful and sexy. Problem is I find myself fantasizing about being a girl when I am having sex with one. I notice that I also fantasize about doing some of the bisexual things that I did when a child, though the memories I have being a boy pretending to be a girl are good ones, the ones in which I was forcibaly raped throughout my childhood are absolute nightmares that I wish I could forget. Yeah I want to be a girl, But its just not possible anymore. Being introduced to that as a small boy was the closest I could ever get to be the kind of girl I always wanted to be: Youthful and stunningly beautiful. I longed to have a vagina and breasts, but besides that, I was one hot flat chested teen girl I have to admit that I'm glad it happened but still can't help but think that I am just some kind of freak of nature. I am sick of all the prejudice, bigotry and hatred that I have become depressed and simply do not give a damn anymore. I used to think I was unique, but now I am starting to feel that I am just a unique freak. I really want to be able to transform from being a man to a woman and back again about 50% of the time. I love girl world but I wouldn't want to live there as I would not have anything that I could call special anymore.

NikkiGirl wrote:I have always been called Ugly since I was a small child at various times growing up. Do you realize how hurtful it is for a boy in the 7th grade to hear girls laugh at you and call you ugly?

Or how about "Geek!" and "Nerd!" throughout highschool and even right into adulthood or trying to chat with people online only to be called a "Creep." I know the feeling all too well.

Or how about "Geek!" and "Nerd!" throughout highschool and even right into adulthood or trying to chat with people online only to be called a "Creep." I know the feeling all too well.

Yes! As I became more a dysfunctional introvert as the consequence of physical and mental bullying by schoolmates and to a limited degree even by family, I found it easy to be a science geek/nerd. The stigma of being stereotyped as a geek or a nerd is just as bad as being called queer or f-a-g-g-o-t. I grew up in a era where being different meant more often than not physical violence against me just for being different. As a result my memories of my school years are very painful and have made me bitter on many fronts. I simply do not feel compelled to forgive the people who bullied me and I know this is destructive for me spiritually, but the pain is so great that 30 years later I still have utter hatred for those that wronged me. My goal is to somehow, someway learn how to forgive those who have cause me all this pain, but until I learn how to source that pain to ground, I am afraid I will not be able to see past my own pain in order to forgive and forget. That is what hatred does to you - makes ya death, dumb and blind. I'm afraid that even if I were to somehow magically transform into a beautiful girl, this would not be enough to undo all the pain and hatred I now feel for those who felt compelled to impose their perverted versions of reality onto me as if it were in the name of God and Country. The pox on them all I say.

Nikkigirl, you have been through the mill haven't you!

You can look back at being a girl better than the girls. Now there's masculine competitiveness for you!

Your story makes my abuse look pathetic and bland, but it certainly screwed my life up.

Have you had any counselling about it?