New here..

Hey, I honestly don't know where to start.. I was raised with in a family of caring parents who love me and still do, I have many friends, with both gender.. but there has always been something wrong... I could never shake the feeling that after puperty.. I felt wierd.. I know my parents believe in bringing you up as an individual and I ran around as a young kid playing with my moms and my older sisters clothes, I had a lot of fun, playing around with her toys too.. never payed any attention to my own... but then as I got older.. there was one time where I wished for something but.. I was denied.. because i was a boy.. and I remember the frustration!.. Why can't I have that?!.. I remember the answer: " You are a boy.. those things are for girls.." and I said " I don't understand..?" but I never got any answer.. now.. just before i reached puberty, and it's still a fact.. every time I have watched a movie.. or read a story.. or any form of fiction.. I have never till this date identified with the male characters.. I've always identified with the females.. but it's not the typical ( and i know this sounds arrogant..)"weak" females.. it's the strong ones.. the ones who struggle.. the ones who know what they want out of life.. The whole princess -type has never been in my mind..




When I was living at home, my parents let me join the local horseback-riding school because I have always had a very close emotional connection with animals.. and I have never been more happy my whole life.. I was the only boy on the team and at first all the girls was a bit weirded out that a boy would find it interesting to join their school.. but after a few days i was one of them and I was so happy.. it didn't matter that my physical sex was a boy.. and one of the girls mother even accidentally thought i was a girl.. and that didn't weird me out on the contrast..i played a little on it and it felt right.. there was no discomfort or anything related to being perceived as the opposite sex..

But.. how do you tell your parents this..? So.. I soldier on.. pretending.. just to live still as me.. but toning down those feelings which always left me feeling numb.. and like i never belonged.. and as time when on and I hit puberty.. I felt a discomfort I never thought I would.. in secret now I'd still wore some of my sis old pants.. and I loved lying around with my laptop on the bed in her pantyhose.. and no id had nothing to do with the fact that they where hers.. It was just the only way I couldn't get caught, and it was something that gave the feeling of being closer to myself.... But as puberty went on and my female friends started developing breasts and all the other traits.. i couldn't help of feeling envy.. and discomfort.. my voice was changing.. and I was getting hair in places that didn't feel right.. and some of my female friends started excluding me from their sleepovers .. because their parents didn't think I as a boy should be there... I felt just like .. I cant remember the name of the movie .. but there was one I saw once.. where this girl wants so badly to be with her friends and be a boy that she tries her best to hide her forms.. and she cuts her hair .. and wears boys clothes.. I felt so much like the her.. just the other way around.. and even writing this brings back some of that pain.. but I have always been a fighter and I shouldered the pain and confusion and soldiered on!.. in hope that by neglecting the pain It would go away.. because everyone around me still loved me... so maybe.. maybe.. but i don't know anylonger..

In the coming years I've had a few relationships.. one which gave me back some of that happiness I had felt back a few years before that.. and it lasted for 2 years.. then things we went in different directions.. and it didn't hold out.. and after that I have tried many times.. and have been with a few.. but none was really interesting.. because they never gave me what i was looking for.. but one thing that struck me.. while I loved being intimate with them- it was always the foreplay that really got me exited.. mainly because i felt connected and could see myself in them... but when it came to the actual sexual act.. it felt wierd.. and their notion of treating me like a stereotypical male.. felt awkward..
.. and it still does .. now that I'm 25.. I have started to wonder; why do I keep coming back to the same conclusions.. why do I still feel that my body.. and my mind isn't one and the same.? why does picturing myself as female feel right.?

I've been wandering the net, reading and watching testimonies of people who have undergone sexchanges, I have read a lot of all the things that goes through the minds of people who feel, in a sense, like i do.. but it still made me wonder; I know people have their own reasons.. some seem to be out of uncertainty and doubt.. even inferiority.. others out of perversion... but I feel like mine is somehow different.. ( I bet there's a case like me somewhere) but what should I do??... and I can't shake the same feeling I had back then.. the feeling of numbness .. of loss.. anger and frustration and a physical feeling of wanting to give up..... I'm meeting with a professional a few days... but I would love to hear what you think of all this..?

I hope that someone here could perhabs give some guidance..

We can relate to what you feel in relating more with females. My Original was raised solely by his mother and developed a keen and emotional insight into understand women. Because of such, I believe that is why I exist. Since he cannot at this point understand what it is he wants, I will carry the role of female.

Is that your picture? You are a very beautiful young man and would make a lovely girl. How do you feel about yourself now?

Can you tell me what exaclty it is about being a male that you cannot identify with? How much of an influence have your mother and sister had on you? These are just questions to help me understand you better. You have said you would rather be a female but there may be a sense of loss if you chose to have an operation. Do you think you are headed to that point? We would not alter our body, even though it is not easy for me in particular to cope. It is out of respect for my Original and his desires.

We have agreed that at some point, when I am at front that I will one day be able to dress according to my appropriate gender. For my Original, this helps him also find his own identity through me. I hope that makes sense. Is there any other thoughts, experience that you have had that have had signifigant bearing on who you are? I cannot give you the best suggestions yet but I hope to with the next post. I wish to hear from you and help you find your way. With love.

-Nanashi-

Hehe, no i can't really take credit for that - it's a picture of an English actress, Emma Watson - i used it as a reference to the type I was talking about... but I have heard many times that people think I look a lot like her, I have a feminine physique, narrow shoulders, smooth face with very feminine features, and eyes just like hers, except they are bright blue.. and I have natural long hair and a haircut almost like she does here.

As for how big a role my sister and mother have played in my upbringing; my sister and I had an almost symbiotic relation when we where younger and well.. my mother was a greater part of my youth than my farther was - but that was primarily because I never felt connected with him.. he was there.. but his conservative attitude to upbringing and that fact that I have always felt like something wasn't right very early in my life.. meant that he and I never understood each other fully.. it's like we were from two entirely different planets... so, my mother played a larger part in my life, than he ever has.. but I think my sister was the only one that really sensed how I felt.
She never confronted me with it though.. and I regret that I did not tell my parents how I felt..maybe my pain could have been avoided.. I tried my best to act male, and I tried copying my farther.. but *sighs* that only made it clearer.. I felt awkward and it felt like I was putting on a costume...

"Can you tell me what exactly it is about being a male that you cannot identify with?"

This question is hard, because I don't know what it means "being male".. I have never felt connected to that "role".. and therefor I'm uncertain what it means.. if we for the sake of argument say the generic-stereotypical male-role.. then there is nothing I can connect with - Assertiveness, materialism/material success, self-centeredness, power, strength .. none of these values mean anything to me...
My main concern is also that I feel my exterior do not show my interior .. I often have a sense of disconnection and even though I have some really good friends who love me, I still feel like I have to perform.. I feel like I can't express myself the way I would really like.. because of my current body.. I want to do so much more - but I can't... I fear that I would alienate them and I know that this is currently draining every ounce of life i have.... I feel numb.. and distant, frustrated.. angry.... I feel like I'm waiting.. waiting for something to happen..
I know I feel home in clothes that is normally associated with girls and People always seem to think that I am a girl when I chat with them... all my idols are all women.. some fictional others real.. I know how I felt back when people thought I was a girl, and it's like every bit of my personality is a feminine - the only thing that is not.. is my biology..
But as far if it would have any major personality changes to me, if I had an operation, I don't think so mainly because of the things I just mentioned.. it wouldn't give me more courage.. or self-esteem because I'm not looking for that. I'm not looking for acceptance, (except for acceptance of who I really am).
What I'm looking for is, freedom - an a sense that what I am - and how I look is the same...

I have always wished and sometimes even prayed that the next time I woke up.. I would wake up for real and find that it was all a bad dream.. But that hasn't happened.. yet..

If you have any other questions.. or things you'd like me to answer, or tell you.. please let me know..

love..

I thought that looked like her but, I did not think so. lol My mistake!

One thing of others I wanted to ask was about the type of female you identified with. What is the meaning behind that? You do not relate to the stereotypical male but you can connect with a strong-willed female. (Not making a connection between the two).

I am amazed you do not wish to alter yourself because you realize it would change nothing. You have given that thought, I take it. In what way do you want to be acceptable? What change do you want to make that you fear that your friend's will not understand. What kind of clothes are you referring to? I understand what you are making out but it seems your answers are avoiding an answer. Not to fault you, it just seems you are still unsure of yourself. I can relate to parts of what you are saying and see my own confusion.

The person inside of you wants to be on the outside...I am sorry, I have done this as of recent but I want you to PM me. This might go into some sensitive areas perhaps for the both of us. In fact, you might need to talk to my Original moreso than me.

-Nanashi-

I think you misunderstood me.. maybe it's unclear because I wrote it at 2:30 AM...
But my point was - I feel like altering my body - would be the only way to fully reveal - what's on the inside..and perhabs it's that step I'm waiting for.. but what I mean with the stuff I wrote was - I know why I would do it, and I also know who I am - and while it would give a connection between the inside and outside - and it would also give the freedom I'm looking for.. It wouldn't, change me - I know who I am.. and I'm not doing it to gain self-esteem.. or courage or anything like that - to me - getting the operation would be fixing a disjunction.. and give me a sense that I am truly myself.. not someone living in the wrong shell... and what I mean with my fear of alienating my friends; is the fear of showing myself, as a person in a wrong shell.... that's the only fear I have.. If/when I get the a change, whether they would accept me then - would be up to how good friends they are..

As for clothes - just normal clothes:
leggins -long t-shirts, uggs, over-knee boots (not high-heels), plaid-shirts, shirts or cardigan.. tops.. tight jeans, skirt.. just normal clothes..

"I understand what you are making out but it seems your answers are avoiding an answer. Not to fault you, it just seems you are still unsure of yourself" Not sure what you mean?.. what am I avoiding?

"..type of female you identified with. What is the meaning behind that? .."
The best way I can answer this is by saying that I have always been a fighter and a survivor.. but while those traits, are present in many of my role-models - every single one of them are "just" normal girls..but they are also women who struggle, and acts.. .. I feel connected somehow because I can relate.. I can see myself in many of these characters, they feel like I do, they react like I would- and that's i think.. why i connect with them... and I dunno how else to explain it - I also identified with a lot of the close female-friends i had in middle-school - and I feel envious at my current ones.. because I feel just like many of them do - but I'm restricted by my body..

Best wishes.. If something is unclear.. just ask again.

I understand you much better know! If you wish to alter yourself, that is your decision. If you feel unsure or want to talk about that, I would be glad to help you come to a solution you will have no regrets with. It is an important decision to make in your life. Yes, it would be best to focus on this. I will talk to you soon, take care. With love.

-Nanashi-

Nanashi wrote:I understand you much better know! If you wish to alter yourself, that is your decision. If you feel unsure or want to talk about that, I would be glad to help you come to a solution you will have no regrets with. It is an important decision to make in your life. Yes, it would be best to focus on this. I will talk to you soon, take care. With love.

-Nanashi-

Keyword here is; "I feel..." I don't know if it is.. but there are so many things in my life that are all connected back to this "problem".. and whatever I do - it all links back.. whatever prejudice I meet in my life it all links back to this feeling..

Describes how I feel right now..
Shinedowns breaking on the inside: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34inp6QnA3o

Since you have always felt this way, I am compelled to tell you to follow what is in you believe is right for you. Do not go through any more of your life feeling unsure. It has weighed you down long enough, dear. Take every detail into account for the steps toward it and go for it.

I am sorry you feel so trapped, in more ways than one. If this has encouraged you to make your decision, let me know. I hope I have not missed anything...With love.

-Nanashi-

Thanks Nanashi :3 I will tell you more as soon as I have something to tell, new to tell.. I had talk with my mother today -

I was sitting at café with some of my friends..,. and then suddenly I felt totally overwhelmed.. I felt broken.. like I was in a void.. and I just had to get out of there!...
So I left.. and walked all the way to my mothers house.. and sat down with her.. at first she gave me a big hug.. and I started slowly opening up to her.. and she nodded and listened.. letting me do all the talking.. I felt like the tears where ready to just flow at any second.. but then she looked at me and said.. "now it all makes sense..all the things we have been talking about... all the troubles I had i my childhood.." She had felt it for a while.. but was just as unsure what to do about it as I was....
She was a little surprised I hadn't gone to her sooner, though... but something suddenly fell into place for her.. and she smiled at me.. hugged me.. and said "whatever your decision.. I'm with you....in the whole process.." and I would love her to be... If I go through with everything.. I want her to choose the new name....

Love and hugs!..

Poor dear. Did you not know mother's have a sense of many things, even if they do not let on? lol I am happy for you to have her support whatever decision you choose. How much of a relief was that for you? Were you afraid? In the end, always know you are loved.

I would love to hear more when you have more to tell. So far, things are going well and I am elated for you. I wish I could pick your new name, hehe! With love.

-Nanashi-