Warning: (can trigger surivors)magick's intro

Hi I'm "magick" and I am considered "trans" or "ftm". I've already had all of the surgeries including phalloplasty. I am a survivor of child hood sex abuse, as well as emotional, mental and physical abuse at the hands of my mother and the stepthing. I was also inducted into a cult as child (jehovah's Witnesses) and so here I am having recently found out that all this time since age 8 when the abuse first began I have been suffering from PTSD. Needless to say, I've suffered from severe depression for many, many years and suicide was always a comforting thought. I was told that on top of everything that has happened to me in my life, the fact that I entertained suicidal thoughts for years and years also caused trauma to my mind and soul.

I have severed ties from the abusive family. I basically have no one now except for my girlfriend who herself is dealing with trauma from having been raised in a cult similar to the JW's. She really is incapable of showing emotions or empathy, but is still in denial about just how serious her trauma is. So I have no one to talk to and I decided to go to a forum. I really have lost all will to live and am just going through the motions. I can't see any future for myself. My soul is very tired. I just want to leave and go to a place and time that is peaceful and happy. So much for dreaming.

So here I am, maybe I can have something to hold on to, at least help me get up and face another day tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
Kind regards,
Magick

You seem to be at a brick wall here, as does your partner. it doesn't have to be this way, and so I appreciate you coming here looking for help. Unfortunately, there aren't many people that identify with GID. I have spoken to some over the years that I have been here, but not all at the same time, if you understand me. Your partner should be making an effort to improve her life too, as 'sitting idly' doing nothing is not the way to go. We can accept our problems and let them overcome us, or we can pick ourselves up and 'bark' back at the world. Which of these two sounds better to you?

I suggest that you reach out to other GID communities, if you can find them, because this one certainly is not great. My apologies for that.

TAke care,

Kevin

Thanks Kevin for the encouragement and advice.

magickpsy wrote:Needless to say, I've suffered from severe depression for many, many years and suicide was always a comforting thought. I was told that on top of everything that has happened to me in my life, the fact that I entertained suicidal thoughts for years and years also caused trauma to my mind and soul.

This time of the year - the new year - I can relate so well to this. Just the thought of having to begin a new year again in the same old lousy job and the same poverty is almost more than I can endure. It was like this last year, the year before, the year before that, etc. It's the same misery played out over and over again. If I had the courage I'd hang myself just not to have to go through another year again.

I think the only thing that really is keeping me hanging on is my family. If not for that, who knows? It is comforting to know that others feel the same way instead of the faux happiness so many seem to put forward

I can't see any future for myself. My soul is very tired. I just want to leave and go to a place and time that is peaceful and happy. So much for dreaming.

I feel your pain and I can identify with you on many fronts. Indeed, after years of abuse, you just get so tired and just want to rest in peace. I am afraid that I cannot offer much advise as I am struggling with much the same things you are but I can offer something that I learned after many years of tears and anguish, and while it won't solve your problems, its just a different perspective. I call life and its hardships the Spiritual Universsity. A spirit can be many millennium in age with each life and the path one took in that life as a series of challenges or lessions. The way we respond, react to these challenges, the lessions we learned from them is what makes us grow spliritually. Every persons spirit is unique, and each has their own lessons to be learned. How or what makes this so just isn't important. What is important is to know that we are all unique and the path we take spiritually is unique. The goal of course is to grow spiritually and thus eventually achieve a certain degree of spiritual nirvana - to be in harmony with ones self. One achieves this based on their own unique spiritual curriculum. Who and what we are right now is the aggregate of all our life experiences. If we reject the totally dysfunctional traditional way of looking at things and acknowledge that our uniqueness is the result of a certain level of spiritual maturity, this will go a long ways toward repairing the damage done onto us by the brainwashing idealogy that something is wrong with us because we are different from everyone else. In other words, we should rejoice in the fact that we are different or unique and not feel guilty! As soon as one realizes the traditional set of values we are expected to adhere to is what constrains an otherwise free spirit tnto a sort of spiritual bondage or spiritual incarceration, and instead strive to journey down their own unique path, the sooner we can become closer to being in harmony with ourselves. Put simply then: you are special because you are unique!

Don't let those who are spiritually immature drop you down to their level. It takes a lot of character and a brave spirit to do what you have done and go through what you have. Hold you head up! There is nothing wrong with you - Its everyone else who are the screwballs. I often tell myself: The whole world has gone mad and I'm the only one left in it that is still sane. I honestly believe that statement is not too much of a stretch of the imagination either. It's all about presentation and attitude! Don't let the prejudice, bigotry and hatred of the world destroy your kindred spirit! Try to rise above it by staying in tune with how you feel and remembering that everything you do and say has a direct influence on others who can see and hear what you do. So what if 90% of the whole world lives in a sea of self delusional hypocrisy? You are unique! You are special! I think you should try to treat yourself as being special for a change instead of allowing that stigma 'something is worng with you because you are different' mindset get to you. Now if I can somehow manage to follow my own advise I will be ahead of the game..