Help!! serious sexuality crisis

I'l start off by saying that i'm a 19 year old boy. Basically I think that I've repressed my homosexuality for so long and so deeply that I've damaged myself, maybe I am a bit bisexual aswell. Whats happened is that although i'v always been more emotionally attached to guys and more 'happy' when being around guys being gay and gay sex in particular has always disgusted me (because of how i've been brought up) and after my first year at uni iv realised that im probalby gay or at least that I need to explore it and see. However I can't bring myself to do it, I'm on the verge of suicide. It disgusts me.

The thing is that because iv been in denial for so long that throughout growing up I'd look at any internet porn except from gay porn. And i'm feeling the consequences now. I'm scared its made me permanently perverted, is there time for me? I'm trying to wean myself onto gay porn by looking at bisexual porn. My world has been destroyed because of this, I can't speak to girls because of the disgusting porn that iv watched and I'v turned agrophobic and am scared to go outside. I've lost most of friends because I don't want them to see whats happening to me. Its all because I've realised that I'm gay (or at least bisexual). Help is there still time for me? what can i DO. Has anyone experienced the same thing I would kill myself if it wasn't for my family because i've tried alot of things i'v gone to gay bars spoken to gay people, but the thing is that ive internalised the homophobia, because im so depressed people on the street make comments like 'hes gay' and it upsets me. I used to smoke weed from a young age which has made me paranoid. Help!! I don't want to be perverted!!

Question your assumptions. Learn about what you are first - before concluding what form of sexual experiences you should have. Too often people take their sexual orientation to be their identity and then try to protect and defend it for the rest of their lives. It is good that you are unsure and do not know. It is a good place to be. See http://www.thework.com and http://www.adyashanti.org. Also check Eckhart Tolle.

IMHO you should not force yourself into any position without considering why you want to be there, and what your boundaries are.

I may be reading this wrong, but you remind me of some acquaintances of mine, who happen to like Ladyboys. (not sure of the terminology. trans____)
They would feel very comfortable with a ladyboy, because of the combination of beauty and guy commonality.
They would go as far as a one sided sexual relationship.
If it came down to them to be on the receiving end of the sexual encounter, they would get sick to there stomachs.
If the person of their affection transitioned to full, female or guy mode, they would not feel as comfortable with that person.
A genetic female should appeal to them, if she was capable of thinking like a male.

I don't necessarily agree with their thinking, but i have tried to understand it.
I also don't consider them gay or homosexual. (they are attracted to the female image)
Society may think otherwise.

If the porn bothers you, stop looking at it, or change the type of porn.
There are very nice and brilliant gay people out there, that would gladly take the time to explain things to you from there perspective.

Just ease up on yourself.

hi, all i can say is just be true to yourself.. i mean why living in a denial world? it's your life and you should treat life in a positive way. if your gay then let it be this is how you are to be. live life to the fullest...

Hi there,
First of all, if you're disgusted at the thought of gay sexual relationships, then you're probably not as gay as you think. You may just feel emotionally drawn to other men. That's not necessarily gay, as there are many heterosexual men who prefer the company of their buddies over their wives or girlfriends. You may just be able to relate to males emotionally better. Although, in our macho defined Western world that is frowned upon and called "gay" , it really isn't. Perhaps you're just a unique man who is in touch with his emotions more so than the average. Society makes fun of men like this, and it's really stupid, since we're human beings too and have feelings like anyone else.

If I were you, I'd leave the porn alone, at least for a while. Porn industry is nothing but a big cult to brainwash most people into the most disgusting sex acts such as rape, torture and animals, among other things. These are not things that are healthy for any mind to be constantly exposed to. Just my opinions, feel free to disgregard

All the best to you.

Generic Student, I think you're "judging yourself" through other people's eyes rather than your own.
Firstly, should you be "judging yourself" at all? Many readers here will have spotted this one.
Secondly, soon, as you grow a little more, you'll come to realize that your judgemental yardsticks aren't yours, but those of people from your own past. So at least, if you ARE going to judge yourself, let it be YOU, and not those voices from your past that people have left in your head.

Your judgemental yardsticks, standards, should be:--
1) Am I harming anyone?
2) Are my judgements on myself making me happy, making no difference, or making me UNhappy?
3) Will my judgements enable me to better function in my life, my work, my social relationships?
4) Am I asking people to tell me what to think, what to feel -- when I should be asking HOW to think, HOW to feel? I hope I'm helping on this one.

Fredllfixit.

Sounds like I'm reading part of my life here.

Back in high school because of who I hung around with I was the same way. Acted very snide and rude towards homosexuality and I was (completely straight). I don't know if I was in denial to keep the little amount of friends I had, or if I was afraid of being picked on even more back then/isolated more (high school wasn't great). But by any means I was all for the "That's gross" verdict.

Long story in between here but there is no need to post.

I came to realizing I was in fact gay, it didn't really take long to accept it; I've probably never really been happier since. You need to do what you feel is right, if you aren't ready to label yourself don't!