my son was just diagnosed GID

momimoto:

As a post op MtF, there is one aspect to what you said that I do not think has come out. Even 6 years post op, when supposedly all the nerves that were damaged by the surgery have healed as much as they will, I still have extremely low sex drive. It is almost non existent in comparison with what tormented me as a male. So, now days parents and friends who are close and affectionate could posibly fill the need for nurture that I have. Given humanely affectionate support, it is posible that a sexual relationship would never occur. So, in the unlikely event that "she" finds a man that loves her, perhaps he would be the only one.

I have not had one, but at one time, in emotional and financial despiration, I almost started working with a Pimp to prostitute myself just for a bit of touching. Fortunately the financial despiration is past, but the emotional emptiness is stil there.

Just a thought.

Khadijah

It sounds like you are doing a good job already. You love him no matter what, and that is wonderful. He will be ok, he will find friends and be happy. Just keep learning about everything you can from a scientific standpoint and you will gradually rise above everyone else and realize whats important is that he is your son and you want him to be happy- nothing else!
Its difficult to break old habits and question things you were taught growing up- so don't stress over that right away.
Just keep doing what you're doing. Keep learning and keep making sure your son knows you love him.
And be proud of yourself, because you are dealing with a difficult situation that many other mothers would NOT be able to handle due to their ignorance. So give yourself a pat on the back. You will grow from this!

Why can he not bring home boys, just because there are 'small children in the house'? Sexuality isn't contagious, you know. Also, I'm cyclothymic and have GID, and my mum doesn't know about either. But if I told her, I'd want her to support me and not judge me solely because of a hormonal imbalance, or whatever else causes it.

You should blame neither yourself nor your son (daughter?). If they want to be treated as a boy, do that. But don't feel ashamed of yourself if they want you to treat them as a girl.

The best thing you can do for him is to be supportive of him. What he is going through right now will be some of the hardest times in his life, and he needs the support of a loving mother. Believe me, I have been living with GID for my whole life, and I can tell you this from first hand. I'm only 20, and my mom never knew. You know, and you have the chance to help ease the stress he is going through. Thats the best thing you can do for him at this point.

HenryHall wrote:Aspergers is the most common comorbidity among gender variant people.
No-one really understands why, there is a support group for the combination though.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/TransgenderPDD/

A problem is that only perhaps 25% of members of that group are concerned parents and a majority of Asperger people in this situation are, as it were, going the opposite direction (raised as girls, but want to live as men). Nonetheless there are resources if you pipe up in group and ask.

You don't say where you live, it makes a huge difference and you offer no clue. If it is, for example, Memphis that will be a lot harder than if it were, say, Amsterdam.

As a general comment, for a 17 year old, the best bet might be college somewhere that is too far to come home every week.
Many colleges now offer dorm rooms especially set aside for transkids. If your child is not college material then a job far away perhaps. Avoid the military! With a bunch of kids in the house and pushing 18, and especially with a Christian parent then leaving home at 18 has to be a good option all around.

For a Christian I would suggest this reading: Galatians 3:28
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.
This is a new testament reading which, for Christians (not Jews), supersedes the more commonly quoted Old Testament passages that point in the opposite direction. It is interesting to note that Jesus was a virgin birth; it is a biological fact that virgin birth mammals are commonly intersexed so Jesus may very well have been FTM transsexual Himself. Never being married in that society would point in the same direction.

The military might actually be one of the best things he can do. I'm not saying to try to push out of him what he is going through, I am saying to help get him the care he needs when he gets out. I have been coping with GID for all 20 years of my life, and joining the military was one of the best things I ever did to help. During my 3 years, I have met a devout chaplain who is currently helping me to try to tell my family about my struggle, and an honorable discharge at the end of my time in means I can get full health benefits from the VA, including them paying for my hormone treatments and psycological therapy for my transition. The military does help its veterans, and all you need to do is get an honorable discharge with over 2 years of service to qualify.

By the way, I wonder if half the guys out there that bash tohes of us with GID ever even read into the new testament. They always pull stuff from the old testament, and look over the fact that between the old and the new, God goes from being a vengeful and very angry being, to being loving of his people, regardless of who they are. you dont hear about the middle east being smote these days because they believe something different. People forget that The Bible teaches forgiveness and love, and less about God's vengefull ways. Even The Lords Prayer asks that he forgive us of our sins, as he has taught us to forgive others.

Surely a Christian should love God more than any human, even their own offspring? And if God's will is that homosexuality be considered an abomination (Genesis 19, Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13, Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, etc.), then you should respect that and side with your God. So good for you for not allowing him to bring home boyfriends in front of the children. I'd say go a step further and cast him out. Do you really want to be associated with someone who's going straight to hell at death? Have conviction in your faith, follow the example of Abraham!

Well, I guess anyone who knows me on this site will know that I'm a lesbian and I'm saying all the above in the spirit of irony. Provocative it may be, but if you are a Christian then these are serious points with which you will have to contend. For all the good contained in that book, I'm afraid when it comes to the message of love it's far too exclusive in its application: universal love, but only for those that conform to certain norms.

GinaSmith wrote:Surely a Christian should love God more than any human, even their own offspring? And if God's will is that homosexuality be considered an abomination (Genesis 19, Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13, Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, etc.), then you should respect that and side with your God. So good for you for not allowing him to bring home boyfriends in front of the children. I'd say go a step further and cast him out. Do you really want to be associated with someone who's going straight to hell at death? Have conviction in your faith, follow the example of Abraham!

Well, I guess anyone who knows me on this site will know that I'm a lesbian and I'm saying all the above in the spirit of irony. Provocative it may be, but if you are a Christian then these are serious points with which you will have to contend. For all the good contained in that book, I'm afraid when it comes to the message of love it's far too exclusive in its application: universal love, but only for those that conform to certain norms.

Only some churches are like that. The Episcopal Church, on the other hand, is one of the most accepting in the world. They take the message of love, and appky it to everyone, not just their own people. Thats why we were the first church to have an openly gay minister, as well as some transgender ministers.

I am new to this forum, searching for info on GID for various reasons. I am very frustrated by the responses this mom has received on a topic that is new, life altering, and very very scary for her.

Why is it that it is demanded that those with GID get all the understanding and empathy, yet none is afforded to the parents or other loved ones? Their feelings don't count? They don't matter? Aren't as important? Respect and compassion is a two way street. And there is no law stating that one must agree and accept the behaviors of others. Love them - yes, of course.. but accepting/embracing differences is a personal choice - an internal choice, and each choice has reason behind it.

So let's put ourselves in "mom's" shoes...

1) She is grieving for the loss of dreams FIRST from the Aspberger's syndrome. This mom has been robbed of the future she dreamt for her son, his aspirations - and it's been replaced with fear for his well-being, his ability to provide for himself (especially once she's gone from this Earth), and the life-long commitments that must be made for his support.

2) Mom wonders - will my son be able to go to college, to see his dreams fulfilled, to marry, to have children? And Mom's heart breaks a thousand times over with each time she wonders these things.

3) Mom begins to make peace with the diagnosis - and begins the fight to battle the disorder head-on. No stone left unturned, countless hours on the internet looking for answers, new treatments, theories, support. She'll spend countless hours on the phone seeking medical support & information, have to wade through rude/indifferent insurance agents, and doctors who roll their eyes at her when she says, "How can we fix this?"

4) Mom gets some footing, and develops her plan for her son's future - and lists all the ways she can make this work, that life won't be as bad as she imagined - perhaps college isn't down for the count, maybe the future is still there...

5) And now GID. Not that Mom didn't have a gut feeling - motherly instinct.. but now it's confirmed. Now there is a new round of pain that seems to never end. Crying sessions into a pillow, in the privacy of a walk-in-closet so the kids won't hear her, and so that she won't scare them. Mom's have to be tough and lead the way - they can't cry, they can't look weak or afraid. So Mom cries privately.

6) Thoughts about the new future invade Mom's head - she rarely sleeps. When she goes to bed at night, she fills with all the worries and fears.. and replays the day in her mind - asking herself "did I call that one doctor? Did I remember to email that expert? Did I feed the dog?".. and maybe drifts off to sleep for a few hours.

7) Mom wakes up, and before she can lift her head from the pillow, she's thinking about all the pain again - her fears, the grief for the loss of her son, whom she carried for 9 months, whom she sang lullabies to, whom she read night time stories to, whom she cleared out the boogie monsters from under the bed for. Her baby, her precious son.

Mom reads websites - endlessly - about transgender "lives" - therapy - treatment - and surgery that erases the beautiful body that was created inside hers. That has never been anything but perfect to her, and to God - who was the ultimate designer. It is terrifying.. unimaginable.

9) Mom starts to wonder why it is that surgery is the "only" answer on these websites (written by transgenders for transgenders, for the most part).. why is it that nothing is done to reconnect the brain and body so as not to have to put someone through dangerous, life-threatening surgery? Why is it that THAT is wrong?

10) Mom begins to research alternative methods.. how can she fix her baby's mind from the damage that has so obviously occurred. Where is the disconnect? What went wrong? Can it be fixed? Are there any transgender people out there who opted to bring the brain and body together, without a scalpel, and did so successfully? Mom discovers that that they do exist, but they are muffled, and their experiences "poo-poo'ed" by Gay/Lesbian/Transgender rights activists who think anyone who tries alternative treatment is a threat to them.

11) Mom wakes up - and starts the pain all over again - to exhaustion.

12) Mom is told by strangers at a forum, which she went to to seek support and information, that she is horrible for sharing her fears and concerns about exposing her other children to such a complicated situation that they can't possibly understand until they are adults themselves - while protecting her son from further hurt.

Should I go on? Or has anyone grown a smidgeon of empathy for Moms who love their kids, who would swim through shark infested waters to protect them from hurt/pain/disappointment, and who want to leave no stone unturned in their quest to heal their child's broken body?

Shame on all of you for coming in here, wrapped in your rainbow flags, condemning this mom for trying to seek support for all the normal fears and concerns she's experiencing -- and for not giving her the same respect and compassion you demand for yourselves. Shame shame shame on you.

First off, it was Mom's dreams for the life of another person. As a parent of three children, we don't get to choose their path in life. They choose that for themselves.

Secondly, there is some apparent linkage between aspergers and GID. The extent is not known.

Third, GID or being Gay or Lesbian is not voluntary. There is enough scientific information out there to prove it pretty effectivly. I don't wave a rainbow flag, and in spite of the fact that I am GID and post op to correct as much as posible, I am also a member of a religious sect that will accept me but I am sworn to celibacy, not in the catholic sense, but in the real one.

Yes, the Mom and all the loved ones need comforting, and it is vital that they somehow keep the family in a bond of love and understanding. All to often that does not happen and every one suffers.

1000yardstare wrote:First off, it was Mom's dreams for the life of another person. As a parent of three children, we don't get to choose their path in life. They choose that for themselves.

Secondly, there is some apparent linkage between aspergers and GID. The extent is not known.

Third, GID or being Gay or Lesbian is not voluntary. There is enough scientific information out there to prove it pretty effectivly. I don't wave a rainbow flag, and in spite of the fact that I am GID and post op to correct as much as posible, I am also a member of a religious sect that will accept me but I am sworn to celibacy, not in the catholic sense, but in the real one.

Yes, the Mom and all the loved ones need comforting, and it is vital that they somehow keep the family in a bond of love and understanding. All to often that does not happen and every one suffers.

Your post is the perfect example of what I was trying to point out... It's always this "demanding" sentiment from one side -- demanding acceptance, immediate understanding, and empathy.. but those same needs are NEVER (or rarely) applied to the person on the other side. Their feelings, needs, and emotions are negated, invalidated - and they're labeled as "gay racist" if they even so much as utter their thoughts out loud, and share their pain.

Parents dreams for their children are simple: a happy life. And yes - that means happiness in the form of being able to provide for themselves, and put a roof over their heads, and food in their mouths... but it also means general happiness - a peaceful, stressless (as possible) life.. and we know all too well the hurdles that gay, lesbian, transgender, etc face. No parent wants those hurdles in their child's life.

So give Moms out there a chance to express how they feel without being attacked and belittled. Not every post was negative - but MOST seemed to be. It was very disheartening.

As for the linkage between aspbergers and GID - you're talking to the parent of an aspberger's child. I'm fully aware - painfully aware - of all that comes with this disorder/disease.

Lastly, talk to any therapist out there, and they'll tell you their offices are FULL of young girls who are confused about their sexual orientation. Why? Because of the MTV world of girls engaging sexually with girls for the delight of boys/onlookers/t.v. cameras. These young girls find themselves on anti-depressants and other mood stabilizers while they try to sort out who they are. The statistics are overwhelming. Only a small percentage of these girls are actually gay. As well. my roommate in college CHOSE -- yes CHOSE - to be lesbian because she had been the victim of date rape, and was never able to be with a man again. So, she could choose a lonely, loveless life - or try another path. And yes - she's the "girly girl" side of a lesbian couple - her partner is very masculine. It's the only safe relationship for her.. however.. she has been in extensive therapy since choosing this lifestyle. So there are some who do choose their sexuality for various reasons. To each his own, I say.

Where the Gay/Lesbian/Transgender community is going wrong, is they are demanding understanding - but not giving it in return. Not everyone, of course, but most. And respect, compassion. understanding is a two way street - you must give it to receive it.

I just thought this mom deserved a little more compassion...