different feelings for each gender, some too strong

I am 17 and have never been intimate with a female but when I was in middle school I had a very promiscuous, male friend who was the same age as me. I enjoyed seeing him a lot and eventually he convinced me to be physically intimate with him. We each had girls that we liked and we would talk about them to each other. However, when I look back I think I was in love with him for a period of time. I couldn't stop smiling the morning after the first time we did it and I showed affection for him at other times even though I thought I was straight and didn't like the idea of being homosexual. I have had other homosexual thoughts. They aren't very lustful but when I can tell that another boy likes the idea of me being close to him it makes me smile and I would want to embark on those feelings.

I have become attached to women, see the distinction between male and female within my mind, and I imagine women in my fantasies. I hope this isn't inappropriate, but I would have a hard time getting to sleep if I tried to imagine a boy. Actually about a year ago there was a girl that I became attached to but shouldn't have because I was fooling myself into thinking that I had feelings for her. The feelings were for my daydreams of kissing her, not for her. She was a friend that I had at school for about 2 years. When she graduated she suddenly stopped talking to me for over 6 months, hurt me, and never said why or apologized. When I imagine a female in my mind I usually imagine her as an object and I usually feel guilty about it afterward, except when I imagine her in the form of the girl that broke my heart. I realized she wasn't for me but for a long time after I would often imagine her in fantasies, although what I imagined actually was more of my mind's creation than what she actually looked like. I didn't have these lustful thoughts about her in the beginning. When I investigate these feelings, I feel like love isn't something for me and that I would rather avoid it but this might be because of more experiences than just those involving this girl.

When easily infatuated (usually younger) females approach me and say that they like me without even knowing me, I avoid taking an interest and will probably walk away but I will probably start to get an erection as well. When I was younger I did have a perverted period but I have dealt with that and have learned that I shouldn't include the wrong things in my mental diet. I have had dreams about both males and females. I usually just want to see the female naked but I have had dreams where I wanted to make love to another man.

I have approached females with the idea of making them my girlfriend but they usually end up being my friends. I have never had a girlfriend and have only kissed one girl. I like the feelings that I get for males more than the feelings that I get for females. I don't like the idea of becoming attached to someone in a way similar to how I became attached to the girl (or rather the idea of her) that hurt me. It starts out innocent but gives way to jealousy and resentment.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts or advice.

Hi, spare ohs! I'm sorry about the late reply, I hope you're still around. It sounds like you might be bisexual and you're just figuring out what your sexuatily is. Lots of people go through a period of confusion. There's nothing wrong with feeling attracted to both genders or having relationships with both genders.
Gender identity is more about the gender that you feel you belong to, though.

jasmin wrote:Hi, spare ohs! I'm sorry about the late reply, I hope you're still around. It sounds like you might be bisexual and you're just figuring out what your sexuatily is. Lots of people go through a period of confusion. There's nothing wrong with feeling attracted to both genders or having relationships with both genders.
Gender identity is more about the gender that you feel you belong to, though.

Thank you. I saw some people talking about sexuality on here and I didn't know where else it would go. I was hoping to get into a discussion or at least get some guidance on attaining more insight into myself (i.e. get some ideas of what to think about the next time I have time to look inside) or some ideas about the importance of feelings that I might be dismissing too hastily. Anything like that.

You can post in the sexuality forum as well and I hope you find what you need here