CONFUSED GF. PLEASE HELP. I'm at a loss.

Dear readers, first of all, thank you so much for even taking the time to read this. I appreciate any opinions and welcome any advice on this situation I am currently dealing with.

I'm actually writing in because I am in a relationship with someone who thinks he suffers from GID. Unlike many other people, I am very open about it (though only with him and that is his choice as well) and I am willing to support him through his journey. We have been in a relationship for about 2 and a half years now and we are very happy & enjoy a healthy sex life among other things. He was worried about telling me at first about this but somehow, the things I say and my mentality about these things must have changed his mind and he opened up to me slowly. It started with his sexual fantasies. *I won't go into great detail but I don't want to miss any of the important bits either.* We do switch roles and I am comfortable satisfying him in this instance and behind closed doors. We first talked about this about a year and a half ago but only got into it more in detail a year ago. And he has been in many relationships before this but ours has been the most serious to date. I asked him when he first knew about this feeling he had & his fantasy and he said "Well i didnt know specifically what i wanted to do, but i knew what i wanted to feel like, and you make me feel like that" & he said it came from as far back as he could remember. He thinks it stems from female envy. And his appreciation for women and the way we look. He doesn't feel sexy or hot in his own body but he thinks women are just about the most beautiful "things" ever. And he thinks that nothing in particular made him see it that way and that he just thought that way as long as he could remember (his envy and appreciation toward females). He says that its only now, however, that he gets to experience a part of femaleness (when we switch roles) and it's only been with me as he has never been this open with anyone before.

He thinks it is somewhat therapeutic for him cause it makes him feel better than he even felt. Previously, the closest time he has ever felt as good was when he was much younger and he used to drop acid with his friends and since being under the influence of acid pretty much takes you to a different paradigm, it is definitely an indication that he is not as comfortable in his own body as other people are.

We're currently in an LDR since I have just left the US, (I just graduated from uni & moved back to my home country) and he is still in the US since he is American but we are definitely working on moving somewhere together. He is most likely going to go back to school and I will try to make my way to him though it is hard given the current economy and strict rules on visas. We have been talking a lot about this though, and I think chatting online about it has given him the confidence to tell me more and allow us to explore more about how he feels and what we can do to make him feel better. I hope you understand, I am not trying to change him because I want him to be who he is and not feel the need to conform to what society wants of him but at the same time, I have to make sure that I am ready for what the future will bring. I love him so much, he truly is my soulmate. And we love and enjoy each others company heaps. I want to support him through his journey but not at the expense of my own feelings because I have to also think about myself and what I want & if I can fully be with someone in this situation 10 years down the line. Like he said today, "That's why its important to me to know whether you love what you imagine me to be, or love something deeper than whether or not im a manly man". To which I said, I am totally cool with him wanting to be comfortable in his own skin & I am definitely prepared for that but I don't know the extent of what I'll be willing to be part of. He says he has no desire to fully become a woman and go through the entire thing, which is why I think he has a less serious urge for this transition, but at the same time I need to know that if we get married in the future, he won't suddenly want to roam the streets as woman while he is supposed to be my husband. I do wish in a way that I was more bisexual so that I could be more attracted to his "female" side but I know that's not going to happen although I'll admit, behind closed doors, we do a good job of switching roles. Heehee. I told him though that it wouldn't bother me and he could be anyone he wanted to be behind closed doors as long as he would still be my man in the open since I believe fantasies should be explored and it brings people closer as well like it did for us.

And he honestly said that he had no intention of going through the entire transformation because he doesn't want to himself and he doesn't have the urge to do it. I guess it will take away all the bonds he has with people, family & friends and he doesn't think he's at a serious enough stage or ever will be to risk all that. He thinks that he is using both sides of his brain, almost equally. And it makes sense. He is good at languages and with people, two female brain dominating fields but on the other hand, he is also awesome at building things and envisioning things, very male brain dominating fields. It makes a lot of sense. And oh, the reason he liked acid so much in the past when he was about 15-17 years old (he's now 27) was because he says it removes one from the paradigm of our earthly form & when you are really peaking on acid, you are nothing but yourself, you are not biologically male or female, and you are not a girl or a boy, you are not fat, skinny, white, black, or anything really. You are you, nothing more or less. Basically, an escape for people like him who are unsatisfied with their form he says. And it is the only drug that can successfully do that and is therapeutic to him. Which is why he doesn't need acid now since what we do is helping him, but not that he has used it for years but I think he tried to busy himself with things and forget this feeling he had which isn't healthy either. So I'm glad we have this going for us and he is most happy that we are open and talk about it cause it has really brought us closer.


I'm thankful that he says he decided that it was important to tell me these things before we considered marriage in the future because a lot of times these things drive people apart. He thinks being a bit more feminine and thus feel less ugly will make him feel better. I'm definitely supporting his decision as long as it does not take away what I feel for him as a boyfriend and future husband and like he said, he's still going to be him to me no matter what. So we are now talking about things he can incorporate into his daily life, subtle things that will make him happy but nothing that will make people question anything since he says he really does not want that. Perhaps shaving his chest hair, growing out his hair and he is even talking about taking Hormones, of which I am cool with as long as he does not take away the man I fell in love with. I'm really in a limbo here about the hormones bit though. What is your advice? I want to be understanding and I am trying hard, but at the same time I have to be happy as well. I am accepting this and I just hope that this will work out for us. He definitely does not want to make the change, he made sure of that to me but I think he just wants to feel a little more feminine and tap into his feminine side because he already has part of his brain thinking that way so he wants to feel it in his self too.

I guess i need some advice, and I need to know if there is anything you can tell me that would help him figure out things more? He is a little confused too but he knows that there is definitely "something wrong" with him. I keep telling him it is not an illness, and that he has just tapped into a different side of his self and I just want him to be happy but I need to know what else I can do for him and what you think about this situation. I guess we really are at the crossroads because he wants me to be happy with him but he can't change this (and I really don't want him to anyway) but he wants me to tell him I will be with him through it all. I'm confused and worried about what the future will bring as even though I am open about this with him, I need to be sure I am willing to go through it all with him and for him and I am simply afraid that one day he could just walk out on the relationship when he is comfortable being a girl and leave me hanging, although he has promised not to do so.

Sorry for the length. I hope I didn't leave anything vital out. I CANNOT wait to hear back from you.

Hi my friend,

Yes, of course I understand the difficult situation that you are in. Well, maybe 'difficult' is the wrong word. I think 'confusing' is more appropriate (as judged by your own username here). The biggest thing you need to see here is your partner as a person, and as neither male or female. See him/her as a human. See the mind and think:

- Do I love this person?
- Do I enjoy being in this person's company?
- Do I enjoy talking to this person on the phone?
- Is this person my best friend?

I think that you'll answer yes to each of these, but please answer each slowly and not rush the answer. Sit back and think about each one. the good thing about society these days is that people are more accepting of differences in people. I know that your partner says that he does not want a complete change of sex, but there will still be subtle differences that might be noticeable. My point is that society is in general accepting of things like this.

I helped a person here previously who is now going through a sex change, and he claimed that he would never have told his family in the first place were it not for me. I am truly humbled by his story, and I am still in contact with him (soon to be 'her'). I will be willing to contact him on your behalf and ask if he would talk to you, if you so wish.

Take care,
Kevin

Hey Kevin,

Thank you so much for your prompt reply. I'm so confused right now that I really do need to think about all these things. I took some time to think about the questions you asked and it is safe to say, I answered Yes, to all. I know the only way things can change is if I let it, but I hope that his rather subtle changes don't turn me off him. I know he is big on loving me for who I am, and I do love him for who he is, but his self is changing as he is getting more open about this with me, so I am trying to accept and be happy at the same time. It's all new to me. I'm one of those people that is willing to accept the differences in someone, even when it is happening in my own life. Thus, I do not see this as something that is impossible to accept, I see it as something I am definitely open to grow with and accept even more over time.

I guess my biggest "concern" is if he would decide to go through the entire thing. I do not want to be the person standing in his way of it, though he has made it clear he has no intention of doing so. But my only guarantee are his words. I am in a confused state only because I now have to really think if I can continue to be his person, while having this thought at the back of my head. I have already told him about the way I feel and he has assured me that he definitely does not want to go through the entire thing, but would like to experiment with hormones (even this, Idk if I am willing to accept yet, since we're in an LDR and I can't be there with him to see the changes he is doing to himself. He just lost 28lbs cause he says he wants to feel lighter and thus more feminine but says it's also good health wise. He is growing out his hair. He wants to shave his chest hair all off.) but my fear is what hormones will do to him, even short-term. And what if he gets addicted to them cause they make him feel better. I shouldn't stand in his way. But then, what about me? And I was gonna ask, I do plan for kids in the future, with him taking hormones and all, will that be affected? He says he still wants kids, but now, idk if that's on the books for us with this in our hand.

I would very much love to be in contact with the friend you helped. I need as much advice as I can get. I truly am thankful. You have no idea. Words cannot describe how loss I feel. This is the only place I can go to to talk about it.

Thank you SO much. You are my rock.

Confused&WorriedGF wrote: ... And I was gonna ask, I do plan for kids in the future, with him taking hormones and all, will that be affected? He says he still wants kids, but now, idk if that's on the books for us with this in our hand. ... .

If by "him taking hormones" you mean a fertile XY person starting on estrogen (it's a fair assumption, but you are not crystal clear on this), then it is really important to do sperm banking ASAP so that future possibilities of IVF are not closed out.

Not being on top of this is to be either irresponsibly ill informed or simply impecunious. Many IVF facilities will not do sperm banking for MTFs because they consider it to be unethical. This especially includes any places with Christian funding or Christian psychiatrists on staff.

But plenty of places will do sperm storage on a commercial basis, for example http://www.thespermbankofca.org
The cost is on the order of USD2500 the first year and USD300 annually thereafter. Fertile sperm can be stored up to perhaps 50 years in liquid nitrogen.

People vary enormously, but it is likely to take somewhere in the range of 6 to 24 months on estrogen to become substantially infertile. There are rare exceptions of course. And surgery can make one instantly infertile.

Note, this is for the MTF side of the house. If I have misunderstood (it is surprisingly easy to do that) then for FTM people the equations are quite different (one can be fertile even after many years on testosterone, oocyte donation is more difficult and more expensive and eggs do not survive many years frozen (however fertilized embyos do).

Confused&WorriedGF wrote:Hey Kevin,

Thank you so much for your prompt reply. I'm so confused right now that I really do need to think about all these things. I took some time to think about the questions you asked and it is safe to say, I answered Yes, to all. I know the only way things can change is if I let it, but I hope that his rather subtle changes don't turn me off him. I know he is big on loving me for who I am, and I do love him for who he is, but his self is changing as he is getting more open about this with me, so I am trying to accept and be happy at the same time. It's all new to me. I'm one of those people that is willing to accept the differences in someone, even when it is happening in my own life. Thus, I do not see this as something that is impossible to accept, I see it as something I am definitely open to grow with and accept even more over time.

I guess my biggest "concern" is if he would decide to go through the entire thing. I do not want to be the person standing in his way of it, though he has made it clear he has no intention of doing so. But my only guarantee are his words. I am in a confused state only because I now have to really think if I can continue to be his person, while having this thought at the back of my head. I have already told him about the way I feel and he has assured me that he definitely does not want to go through the entire thing, but would like to experiment with hormones (even this, Idk if I am willing to accept yet, since we're in an LDR and I can't be there with him to see the changes he is doing to himself. He just lost 28lbs cause he says he wants to feel lighter and thus more feminine but says it's also good health wise. He is growing out his hair. He wants to shave his chest hair all off.) but my fear is what hormones will do to him, even short-term. And what if he gets addicted to them cause they make him feel better. I shouldn't stand in his way. But then, what about me? And I was gonna ask, I do plan for kids in the future, with him taking hormones and all, will that be affected? He says he still wants kids, but now, idk if that's on the books for us with this in our hand.

I would very much love to be in contact with the friend you helped. I need as much advice as I can get. I truly am thankful. You have no idea. Words cannot describe how loss I feel. This is the only place I can go to to talk about it.

Thank you SO much. You are my rock.

You're welcome, and I will tryt o contact the person I know who is currently undergoing the sex change. Your mentioned in your post that your partner seems to be becoming more comfortable with his 'other side' (for want of a better term) the more he gest to know you; and this was one of my worries which I failed to mention in my first reply. He says right now that he's fine about never going through with the sex change, but I don't think he knows what he's saying. Life is a very long time and I suspect - in the future - his mind will change. As you and he become stronger in unity as a couple, he will feel 'safer' about going through with the sex change. Are you prepared for that? - He'd still be the same person and in the same body.

Kevin