A Bit of a Weird Situation

Hello and thank you in advance to anyone reading / replying to this post.

I am a biological male, in my mid 30's.
Ever since I was a kid I have always felt a lot more feminine then I think that I should have.
I love women, in fact I love them so much that I have wanted to BE a woman for some time now.
The main problem is that I am not sexually attracted to men in any way. I have tried some gay stuff in the past just to make sure and I did not enjoy it in the slightest. I don't feel shame about it, I just am not attracted to men.

I really feel like a a female on the inside. I actually just told my mom about this for the first time last night and she reacted a lot more positively then I thought she would have. She didn't judge me at all.

My main question to the forum members is, just what the hell am I? Am I a lesbian trapped in a mans body?
Should I try to ignore it and continue on as a man? I want to be beautiful on the outside, like I feel on the inside, but at my age it might be too late for me I fear. I love pleasing women sexually even more than the act of sex itself. In fact, I can't even "get off" unless I know that she is having more pleasure than I am feeling at any given moment during sex.

I have always hated having a beard and body hair and am constantly shaving to get rid of it. I know this post is a bit all over the place, more of a stream of consciousness. I thank you all for reading any any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Um, not that weird,I think

I think, a lot depends on how you feel about your own body. How badly do you not like being male? How do you feel about having male genitalia?

There is such a thing as a male lesbian; the term was coined in the 80s, I think.

https://www.angelfire.com/ab6/polepino/ ... sbian.html

But generally, the men that term was invented for, have no desire to present as a woman. Do you wish to present and live as one? (Regardless of whether you dislike having male bits or not.)

Yes I do want to live as a woman ( I think). Having male genitalia never bothered me though, though I do envy not having a vagina. I'm not sure if I would make a 100% transition. I do feel very feminine on the inside, but people don't treat me that way because I'm a 6 foot athletic looking male. I have done things involving ureteral sounding since I was around 8 or so years old so, I'm really not sure what that means. I had 2 surgeries as an infant to correct a hypospadias so it is a lot easier for me to do the whole sounding thing. II am just tired of living a lie and want to really express my true inner self.

Hmmm, I posted a reply but it's not showing up so here goes again, lol.

--Thank you for the warm welcome and the information you provided--
I took the time to read the link you sent me, it seems I have some in common with these men, but I am definitely not "Love-shy" , if anything I would say I'm hypersexual. I just really like women but at the same time I like them so much that I actually want to be one, so yes I think I would like to live as a woman. I do not have a problem with having male genitalia though, I am just jealous that I don't have a vagina... I don't know if I would want to transition 100% and have surgery. I just feel like like people don't treat me the way I see myself on the inside because I am a 6 foot tall athletic looking male, when I feel like a 5' 2' woman on the inside. I play the part but I would rather people treat me like a woman if I had the choice. Still, I've never had a problem with having the male bits, I have been into doing ureteral sounding since I was about 8 years old. It is easier for me though because I had 2 surgeries as an infant to correct a hypospadias. I definitely would never want to be penetrated by a male though, I don't find them attractive in the slightest and I think I have some degree of self loathing because I am a male and I dislike the male form so much.

I didn't think you'd be a complete match for that book passage I linked; however I thought there'd be some similarities.

I'm born male also. And I would fit that description fairly well, except I happen to consider myself Bi- which rules that out in my case.

I'm going to speak PC heresy, here- and I've been cussed at for it, before- but I'm the moderator one who believes in the free discussion of ideas, within forum decorum.

Have you heard of autogynephilia? I... don't think that's going to define you either, but it's another concept to consider, when trying to define yourself. In a lot of the Trans community, that word is greeted with prejudice, however we are not all the same, and just because a word doesn't apply to many, it doesn't mean it doesn't apply to some.

And that would be the desire to be, the object of one's desire- an attractive woman. The man who came up with that idea is far out of favor currently- but that doesn't mean it's invalid- for some people. I think I have a little bit of that going on; as well as a little 'male lesbian'- a little. I can't completely fit in either of those boxes, but I can see parts of them in me.

Have you tried taking any self-tests? There's a few I can think of, if you haven't taken them. I'll have to dig them out of the recesses of my memory- well they're probably in other threads on this forum. Off the top of my head, the COGIATI (sort of fallen out of favor itself, but the one that helped me personally the most, when I was young and considering if I was trans enough to do something about it). The COGIATI includes the aforementioned heresy in its results- I score the COGIATI as somewhat autogyne, and I'm okay with that.

The... it's dated, and depends on stereotypes that have also fallen out of fashion, but the BSRI- the Bem Sex Role Inventory.

And there's a sexual preference test, that also throws in a little gender if I'm not mistaken- the Flexuality Test. That one's much newer than the other two.

Am I jealous that I don't have a vagina... well I don't envy pregnancy or periods. For a long time, I thought that I might have wanted to transition but definitely no bottom surgery- that is... not for sissies. That's some rough stuff, right there. But also I didn't feel that female. Most gender tests, like most sexuality tests I take, place me around the middle. To say 'androgynous' doesn't feel right to me simply because that translates in my mind to 'neither'- when often I have felt 'both'.

But if I could have decided which sperm got to me first- well, X, of course. It would have fitted my personality far better, although I didn't really consciously think about gender until my teens. Like the 'male lesbians', I strongly envy the feminine prerogative. I know they have their own set of problems- not the least of which can be men- but... well, grass always greener. The freedom of dress- the freedom of expression- the freedom to not have to be tough... the freedom to be frilly- or be a tomboy. I mean, women can get away with tomboy- guys, well, not so much with being a sissy.

But having said that, I think I'm not trans simply because I still think too much like a man. If I could have chosen, I'd have chosen other- and it's sad that I can't be that. But it's not the level of gender dysphoria that would drive someone to turn their life upside down. And that's where I sit.

Hello again,

I think that terms describes me quite well actually. I wouldn't go so far as to say that merely putting on women's cloths would sexually excite me, however I have put on women's underwear during some intense masturbation sessions in the past. I need to take some of those psychological test you recommend and will definitely report my findings. I know that I am a little more than an autogynephilic male though, because I want the full female social experience. But maybe it is best to suppress these feelings, as the man said... "people can be taught not to do what they want—when what they want is harmful to themselves or others—but they cannot be taught not to want what they want"

This definitely explains why I have always been attracted to women that look like a female version of myself, lol.

I actually always found my own half-sister extremely attractive because she looks so much like me but is female.
I would never admit that to her though and have definitely never acted on any of those feelings. Apart from wanting to see her naked, which was never a problem really because she frequently walked around the house naked of her own accord.

Oh now that is.. interesting, and I'm not sure I've ever heard that from someone before- attracted to female version of themselves.

Although the more that I think of it, the more I wonder. While everyone likes eye candy; I find myself more drawn to tomboys or.. even a little.. butch? Not quite the same thing you describe, but as I feel I hover around the middle of the spectrum- well, like calls to like.

Anyway, let's see.

https://www.transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html
(My bad I have a bad memory- I come out an 'androgyne' on the COGIATI)

https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/OSRI/
The OSRI gives me a score of 107 Masculine traits; 106 Feminine- a virtual tie.

The OSRI is a very condensed version of the BSRI- which is about sixty questions. I'm having trouble finding the Bem either online as an interactive, or even just a paper, test- I found where you can buy it... I wonder if they've been scrubbing the internet of copies of it.


And not technically a gender test, still an interesting one.
https://flexuality.wordpress.com/take-the-test/

Ah, ixnay on the lextualityfay.

The Flextuality test need Flash and Javascript- All updated browsers discontinued running Flash as of December- it's no longer an official Adobe product. Well, that sucks- I liked to take it every so often, and that was the official website of the man who created it. Needs updating....

I found a link in another thread to the Bem- same broken link I found when I googled.

IF you can find the actual BSRI, it scores you three ways: Masculine, Feminine, and Androgynous, my last recorded results on that were like 26, 49, 53, respectively. Out of a maximum of 100 on any one category. Which is pretty accurate.

Considering it came out in 1974, and 'official' culture has changed a lot since then, I'm not sure how accurate it is, for younger generations. I think.. it's probably still fairly accurate, whether it is in favor now, or not.

My sister lives in a household where there are 2 bi-sexual women, two straight men, my sister who is now asexual and was formerly straight and lesbian, and another woman who has now turned into a man. His mother was also a woman, who is now a man. Both felt like they should be men and have performed the necessary steps to become men. They are a lot happier now then before.